CAN I SAY SOMETHING WE'RE ALREADY THINKING?
BEING A LATE NIGHT ( BAND PLAYING )
( BAND PLAYING ) TALK SHOW HOST IS AN INCREDIBLY
POWERFUL POSITION.
I MENTION OROALZ THEY SEND ME ORTOES YOEZ.
BY THE WAY, OREOS I MENTION OREOS, THEY SEND ME
, WE'RE OUT OF OREOS.
THE FAMOUS, THE POWERFUL, THEY COME TO ME.
I AM A BEACON OF INFLUENCE AND CONTROL.
BUT EVEN THIS AWESOME POWER PALS IN COMPARISON TO THE SWAY HELD
BY HISTORY'S MOST FAMOUS DICTATORS-- GENGHIS KHAN, KIM
JONG IL, JAY Z.
WE AWAIT YOUR ORDERS, LORD Z..
THESE BRUTAL DESPOTS ALL HAVE ONLY TWO THINGS IN COMMON-- ONE,
THEY DEMAND COMPLETE OBEDIENCE.
AND TWO, THEY ALL WEAR A BIG, FURRY HAT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
VERY GOOD.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MY
HEAD, I AM ENDOW NOW THAT THIS HAT IS UPON MINE
HEAD, I ENDOWED WITH D WITH UNQUESTIONABLE POWER, DUE
TO MY HAT'S TWO MAIN ASTRIBTS-- IGNES BIGNESS AND ITS FURRINESS.
ANY PROCLAMATIONS I MAKE WHILE WEARING THIS HAT ARE NOW AND
FOREVER LAW.
LET US BEGIN.
>> NOT SO FAST, COLBERT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JOHN CLEESE!
HOW DARE YOU!
HE WHO WEARS THE BIG FURRY >> Stephen: JOHN CLEESE?
HAT MUST BE OBEYED!
>> I TOTALLY AGREE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FROM NOW ON, WIDE FURRY
FROM NOW ON, WIDE FURRY HATS SHALL BE IGNORED.
HATS SHALL BE IGNORED.
THE PEOPLE SHALL OBEY ONLY TALL FURRY HATS.
>> Stephen: THAT IS HAT BLASPHEMY.
IT IS HATSPHEMY!
( LAUGHTER ) >> THAT'S NOT A WORD!
>> Stephen: MY HAT SAYS IT IS.
IT IS NOW-- I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO LOOK!
IT IS NOW-- IT IS NOW LAW THAT PEOPLE IN TALL FURRY HATS SHALL
BE LOCKED AWAY IN A HIGH-CEILING BUT VERY NARROW CELL.
>> SILENCE!
LET OUR HATS DO THE TALKING.
>> Stephen: BEGIN!
>> FROM THIS >> SILENCE!
WHY DON'T WE LET THE HATS DO THE TALKING?
DAY FORTH, PEOPLE SHALL NOT SAY GOD BLESS YOU TO SOMEONE AFTER
THEY HAVE SNEEZED.
INSTEAD, THEY MUST SHOUT, "HAIL SNEEZER!"
>> Stephen: LET IT BE WRITTEN THAT IF A STARBUCKS BARISTA
GETS YOUR NAME WRONG, YOUR COFFEE IS FREE.
AND WHATEVER THEY WROTE UPON YOUR CUP IS NOW THEIR NAME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> FROM NOW ON, ALL ELEVATOR
>> FROM NOW ON, ALL ELEVATOR DOORS SHALL BE SHARPENED SO THAT
IF SOMEONE RUNS UP AND STICKS DOORS SHALL BE SHARPENED SO THAT
IF SOMEONE RUNS UP AND STICKS IN THEIR ARM TO STOP THE DOOR FROM
CLOSING, THE DOOR SHALL CONTINUE TO CLOSE AND YOU GET TO KEEP
THEIR ARM.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: DR. DRE
>> Stephen: DR. DRE AND DANIEL AND DANIEL DAY-LEWIS WILL BE
COMBINED INTO ONE PERSON-- DR. DANIEL DRE-LEWIS.
>> IF YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT BUFFALO AND SOMEONE SAYS, "I
THINK YOU MEAN BISON," THAT PERSON SHALL BE HUNTED TO THE
BRINK OF EXTINCTION.
>> Stephen: IF THE HIGHWAY IS > Stephen: IF THE HIGHWAY ISTOO
>> Stephen: IF THE HIGHWAY IS TOO CROWDED, KENNEY LOGUNS MUST
PROVIDE AN ALTERNATIVE ROUTE TO THE DANGER ZONE.
>> ALL CLOWNS ARE NOW BANISHED.
SHOULD WE HAVE A CLOWN EMERGENCY, WE WILL SIMPLY FORCE
MIMES TO SHOUT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: IF A BIRD POOPS ON
YOU, IT IS NO LONGER GOOD LUCK.
BUT IF YOU CAN POOP ON A BIRD, THAT IS VERY IMPRESSIVE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> FOOD BRANDS WILL STOP
ANTHROPOMORPHIZING THEIR PRODUCTS AS ATTRACTIVE FEMALES.
NO ONE CAN ENJOY AN M&M IF THEY ARE SEXUALLY AROUSED BY IT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: ANY ROCK BAND THAT HAS A UKULELE IS NOT A ROCK
BAND.
IT IS AN INSURANCE COMMERCIAL.
>> FROM NOW ON, AMERICAN FOOTBALL WILL BE KNOWN AS "BIG
LEATHER EGG FIGHT."
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HENCEFORTH,
CACIALG FRIDAYS IS WHICHEVER DAY I DON'T WEAR PANTS TO WORK.
>> HENCE FORCE THE PLURAL OF MOUSE IS MOUSES, BUT THE PLURAL
OF HOUSE IS NOW HICE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: MR. CLEESE, IT
WOULD APPEAR OUR HATS ARE EQUALLY POWERFUL.
>> YES, WE ARE AT A STALEMATE.
( DRUM BEAT ) DO YOU WANT TO COME BACK TO MY
PLACE?
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU'D
NEVER ASK.
THE HATS HAVE SPOKEN!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN CLEESE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )