[ Cheers and applause ]
What's up, Chicago?
[ Cheers and applause ]
I love y'all, Chicago.
I've been married 13 years, y'all.
Give it up for me. You know what I'm saying?
Love my wife.
All my single female friends be like, "Why'd you get married?
Why are there no men out here?"
Ladies, who are the single ladies here?
Make some noise. Single ladies in the house?
[ Cheers and applause ]
See how happy they sound,
out with clothes on and [bleep]
Y'all be in the club... ♪ "I'm doin' just fine, fine ♪
♪ Whoo ♪
Bitch, don't put your hand in my face.
That's the story at the club.
Soon as you get to that big, lonely house by yourself,
and you close that big-ass door, you just slide down that bitch.
"Aaaah!
Lord, send me somebody!
Jesus!
I hate taking these trash cans down every Tuesday!"
Every female here -- I'm telling you, man,
every female here is somebody for you.
I'm telling you. Every female --
I guarantee you right now, all the single ladies,
there's a fat dude right now at your job
that would like to hit on your right now.
Look at that -- Look at -- Ha!
He just got a goofy-ass name like Vernon or some [bleep]
Vernon is the perfect candidate for you.
He got -- He -- 'Cause my cousin is Vernon.
Vernon is the perfect guy.
He got an 800 credit score.
He own three properties.
"He take care of his mama. He got no kids.
He got 90 grand in the bank."
He clean your cubicle out every night when you leave.
He know how you like your Subway sandwich.
[ Laughter ]
But you [bleep] the dude that's working on a mixtape.
That's what you're doing. That's how you --
That's how you choose to delegate your vagina.
That's all your priority.
Look at all the women, like, "[Bleep]"
Every woman know a girl like they're re-upping.
You -- It's funny, too,
'cause the dude working on the mixtape
really be thinking he doing music.
He's 38.
He's dropping you off in your car,
going to the studio/his cousin's house with the laptop,
to work on the project.
Yeah, right.
Meanwhile, you got five degrees, you the best person at your job,
but you got to go to rap showcases on the weekend
and support bae with your old ass.
You 43 in there, with a bad knee and kitten heels.
You know how you can tell they 43, fellas?
'Cause they got their [bleep]-damn Bluetooth
around their neck at the club.
[ Laughter ]
In the club with the Money Cartel Records sign.
"Get your ass out the club, Deborah."
Y'all put Vernon in the friend zone immediately, too, ladies.
Y'all don't even -- It's like, "Do not pass Go,
do not collect $200."
Put him in the friend zone, and every night, you pray,
"Lord, send me somebody."
God is like, "Bitch, take Vernon for a walk
and get him some water, bitch.
He ain't gonna be perfect out the shop.
You got to get him right."
But y'all put Vernon in the friend zone immediately.
Vernon -- Y'all treat the friend-zone dude so bad,
he'll help you move twice,
and you don't give him nothing but a big-ass friendship hug.
"Thank you, Vernon. Oh, my God, Vernon!"
Vernon [bleep] in your face.
[ Laughter ]
You be like, "Ew, Vernon!
You're my brother in Christ."
[ Laughter ]
You -- You don't know what Vernon went through
to move your [bleep]
He done begged his cousin and sell regular weed
to borrow his Dodge Ram.
And he gonna ask his cousin to help move, too.
And ladies so lowdown, on the second time he help you move,
y'all don't even take all the [bleep]
out of that big-ass white dresser y'all got.
You know that big-ass white dresser that you bought
when you graduated college -- it used to have a mirror,
but now it just got the two sticks?
"That bitch is slap full."
Vernon and his cousin can't even feel their hands,
walking down the steps, carrying your [bleep]
Vernon praying out like, "Lord, let this woman
see that I'm the man for her.
And I want to enter into a covenant under your blood,
Jesus, with this woman.
And I want to..."
His cousin who sell weed at the bottom of this dresser,
like, "Boy, you ain't [bleep] this bitch yet, what?"
[ Laughter ]
"Man [bleep] this dresser."
He just let that bitch go.
Whoa!
She don't respect you, cuz.
Look at all this [bleep] that was in the drawers.
She got 'Encyclopaedia Britannica.'
You don't even need that. We got Google.
She got yoga mats and [bleep]"
[ Laughter ]