you
[Applause]
hi I'm Mackenzie Nicole and this is my
guitarist Ross Williams and we just want
to thank you guys for allowing us to be
a part of your lives for these next few
moments when I first remember a
contemplating suicide I was six years
old so I'm no stranger to mental illness
my mind was this haunted house in which
I was forced to reside this house was
demented and inexplicably frightening
but it became my home nonetheless
because my suicidal ideation depression
anxiety and OCD was virtually all I'd
ever known it was this familiarity that
provided a perverse sense of structure
making the darkness far less horrifying
than the unknown of the light it was
this contradiction of hating my
condition while fearing any sort of
reform all the while feeling confusion
over this faceless shapeless nameless
beast that is mental illness I lived
like this for 12 years and was resigned
to living like this for the rest of my
life however short I believed that life
might be over the first six months of
2018 I began to suffer a severe mental
breakdown upon the onset of said
breakdown I opened up to a friend about
the mental health scape I was trying and
failing to navigate and he begged me to
see his psychiatrist which I immediately
refused and continued to refuse for
months a period over which I nearly did
take my life on several occasions on one
of my darkest days I called my mom I
said listen I'm going to kill myself and
I just wanted to let you know because I
feel like it would be unfair to spring
it upon you but just letting you know
this is something I'm going to do and I
don't have much time to which she
responded no you're not
I was like what did my mom just forbid
me from killing myself she said we need
to slow down in that moment I realized
for almost my entire life I had been
hurling at full speed towards a cliff
sedge but maybe I didn't really want to
go over I felt I finally had permission
not to do the thing I felt forced to do
to kill myself with my one and only plan
off the table I didn't have anywhere to
go didn't know what to do so I went to
the psychiatrist and I was diagnosed
with bipolar one disorder and it was the
best news I have ever received
I know being diagnosed with a severe
mental illness doesn't sound like great
news but for me the beast finally had a
face a shape a name and the suffering I
had endured was validated come fall of
2018 I had a responsibility to record an
album and at a time when I felt like my
breakdown to find me
what else could I write about from that
my album mystic was born mystic is
divided into three chapters the first is
called the rabbit hole which is about my
rock bottom this first song is called a
cut rose and tap water named for a habit
of mine every time I find a coke bottle
or a cool jar or a nice vase I fill it
with top water and I put a single rose
in it and I never take it out my room is
a graveyard of roses now and I was
sitting there one day during my
breakdown and I was considering one
particular rose and I realized when it
was cut it received a death sentence in
that moment it was fated to die I felt
much the same way I felt that if fate
did exist mine was to kill myself
[Music]
I swear I've never felt worse than a
fear right
I've never felt more like myself then I
feel right now
Cairo's in tap water I had so much
potential maybe this is all the men
Sophie another tragic memory but a
frozen top of it I mean cut Rosen's a
blood
go away but so leave me alone I go home
I wanna go home
I want to go don't be selfish don't be
kinds I did not choose
this is
[Music]
don't be selfish don't be kind I did not
choose
this is how
so there
the decision made for me
I am NOT precious
I am NOT pressure
and you say that even while protecting
a child child child ademma bus - hey
but all the sand
[Music]
you gonna leave me
[Music]
one
[Music]
don't be selfish don't be kind I did not
choose a will not a fight this is
another decision made for me don't be
selfish don't be kind I did not choose
all not a fight it's a song
another decision made
me the scouts were ironic there will be
no judgment food no regard for the
fairness services no price to pay
I expected nothing less and nothing more
there is nothing to be sad for I can say
nothing further
saying Rosen table
I can do nothing further
a debtor's Intifada
I didn't know it at the time but neither
I nor the roads were doomed to die as I
believed but destined to evolve this
next song is called the house above the
world an Albert Camus novel a happy
death there exists a setting called the
house above the world there's this quote
living above the world each discovering
his own waits seeing his face brighten
and darken with the day the night each
of the four inhabitants of the house was
aware of a presence that was at once a
judge and a justification among them the
world here became a personage counted
among those from whom advice was gladly
taken those in whom equilibrium had not
killed love and when I read that I felt
the sense of peace and then I realized
oh my god I'm at peace and I felt calm
instead of anxiety and clarity instead
of confusion and I wanted to feel this
way all the time
because when all I'd ever seen was
darkness finally I had glimpsed a world
where darkness wasn't innate considering
the text inspired by the text I thought
if the world is a personage equal to
myself then perhaps I do have value
perhaps I do have importance if the
rabbit-hole was a haunted house this was
a synthesis the house above the world
[Music]
above the world I fall to the balcony
like a symphony greater video
for the same
[Music]
I am
[Music]
blue
less
[Music]
Uman me
so give your sins to me I love will make
them clean
along will speak the truth
[Music]
my
Oh
for Cupid's arrows and poison darts I
will meet you
[Music]
it happens it's tragic
my heart
[Music]
boys
[Music]
to the house
[Music]
Oh
[Music]
to the house
[Music]
this third and final song is called grow
old from the third and final chapter of
the album oxygen because that's what
recovery feels like to me it feels like
this gasp of fresh air after being held
underwater for so long finally I am
breathing when you feel you have no
future you take no time to discover or
develop yourself there's no point in
furnishing a home set for demolition
but in recovery with the future suddenly
ahead of me I realized that I had no
idea who the real me actually was and
there is a sudden need and excitement
and newfound responsibility to find out
more about the person I was going to be
spending the rest of my life with myself
and now unlike before that task wasn't
daunting or scary it was actually kind
of cool because I had felt so lonely for
so long never realizing that I had
myself the entire time when I had for so
long felt so worthless feeling that I
deserved the darkness the suffering
mystic taught me that what I really
deserve is to be happy I suffered but I
have mystic to show for it I have this
moment to show for it and that is
beautiful to me it's just a number so
I've been told
I know if that's true if I get to grow
old hit the black guys and I spun out
talking to myself like isn't this
age is just a number seven - who know if
that's true if it gets aggro who hit the
black guys and I spun out talking to
myself like isn't this fun
I don't get a second I don't get any
better than I am
second I don't grow up at a school I
don't grow up at a school I don't grow
up at a school I don't grow up I don't
get any better
a second
I don't grow up
I don't grow up at a school
I don't grab by discord
I don't grow up at its grow well isn't
it oppress me I don't get anything
I don't care for the leather
son is far too prey the light burns my
eyes no I don't care for the weather I
like the gray skies much better the Sun
is spot too bright I always like the
night
I don't grow up I just grow old live a
long life somewhere on the East Coast
for the wind on my skin whenever it gets
cold summer when a bad mom a ghost
I don't grow up by the scroll livin la
life somewhere on the East Coast for the
win on my skin whenever gets cold
[Music]
thank you
you