I know I have a douchebag haircut is
that what it is I know I know I look
like a beer pong champion date rapist
personal trainer I know who I am and I
apologize to the group there's nothing I
can do about this right now my hair used
to be worse I legit you stabbed yourself
a faux hawk like a Tony Hawk skate ramp
aerodynamic haircut but then I saw the
Great Gatsby Leonardo DiCaprio film that
over yes I will never let go leo
I'll never let go if you're watching I'm
not letting go mommy what have you
people call me why do people call my
mother all right
no you know I'm happy now no I am you
know happy you know you live life you
know but you know you went I went
through stuff Felix went through a
breakup and I was tough look I
completely handled this breakup like the
woman I was the absolute girl every
single day I just drank Pinot Grigio
don't listen to Michael Buble that was
my whole life my whole life Pinot Grigio
and Michael Buble for three freaking
months every workout I did I called it
p90x because I would just drink a bottle
of Pinot Grigio and then try to do p90x
and just send pictures of my shitty body
to my ex-girlfriends new humongous black
boyfriend if I'm being honest you know
when I became like uh you're like very
oversensitive you know over perceptive
about things like I just need to let go
look I got into a fight with a kid you
know I just got to a fight with a kid
over something meaningless it was
ridiculous I create these things in my
head comes getting ice cream nine year
old kid in front of me orders pistachio
ice cream I'm like that's an adult
flavored ice cream
what else you want to suppress oh you're
nine you get chocolate ice cream with
Rainbow Springs or vanilla ice cream
with chocolate Springs you gotta have
Springs you're a kid put some sprinkles
on it if I was the cashier I wouldn't
even give it to him I was at pistachio
let me see you divorce papers recent
colonoscopy what have you been through
kid that's like a fun flavor to you it's
green it has nuts in it you little
frickin psycho it's not fun and I
remember he was with his mom and he
looks like his mom he goes come on mom
you know I love piss - I said piss - I'm
gonna kill this kid you know like I've
talked of kids like I you know I wasn't
I didn't really know I was like kind of
like an idiot little kid to you know
just be like a little jerk you know but
remember that show DuckTales
there that show yeah there we go yeah
DuckTales remember that make that sound
like what if you were my friend and I
thought you were lying right thought you
were telling a tale I would make that
sound and embarrass you
like I remember like one of my friends
came it was like we were 16 he was like
guys I just lost my virginity last night
I was like did you know you know you're
lying he's such a lie but then you know
basically life whoo-hoo to me because I
have no friends anymore like yeah go
stick your dick in the pinot grigio
Prato bro don't do that we're not
hanging out with you you know dad my
dad's around that's good my dad's like
you know it's old and I was a friend you
know it's good it's how it's helpful you
know we're both from New York you know
we have these accents like I can't hide
it okay one lady she that's you you got
balls doing that in Boston good for you
yeah good girl shut up come on now you
know we got I can't hide it you know
there's nothing I could ever do we got
just like bad we don't pronounce the
arse you know that's what I've noticed
it's not New York it's New York
skip the are always but my dad now like
said he's getting older he's adding ours
into words that don't need ours there's
no our balance in this guy's life at all
but he never figured out first it was no
ours now it's too many I like he
goes to the dock the other day I was
like how was it he was like how was it
told me I got full-blown diabetes
I said doc scientifically what does that
mean you need me to get on grill go
I know bro go Google Doc kromm what am i
dumb but I don't brutal doc prom and he
always has the wrong word for what he's
talking about like it's closed it's
closed but it's a hundred percent the
wrong word that means something totally
different
yeah the doc said the cartridge in my
knee it's no good you know the cartridge
in your knee you mean cartilage usually
a frickin printer what are you talking
about does your knee ink it's a court
rigidity get out staples it's no good
but don't print the name don't print doc
said I gotta get on that eucalyptus
machine but do eucalyptus you mean the
elliptical will you work out with koala
bears what are you talking about
is this Australia rotary cuff to in the
shoulder the rotary cuffs it clicks to
the shoulder was his shoulder phone from
1968
it's rotater you guys just learned that
- holy okay
that's what happened there don't try to
pull one over off your boss and I know
you don't know it's not rotary I don't
get this one no it makes them shut up
my dad you know he's funny he's like
he's like religious now but he's still a
dirtbag it's functions kind of cool it's
funny like like this example like you
know we were in his car the other day
and we were you know church outside
let's make the sign of the Cross every
time you see the church make the sign of
the Cross when you see Jesus okay
make the sign it across then there was
this really hot girl walking by anyway
that she was right in front of the car
and he honked the horn and startled her
he's like you see that you catch her off
guard you get the tits to jiggle make
the sign of the Cross don't be
disrespectful but that had nice bounce
you