You’ve seen the prequels,
sequels,
and spin-offs,
but before you see the prequel-sequel hybrid reboot
revisit the triquel that started it all: The X-Men Trilogy
In a world where people cheer for superheroes like The Fantastic Four,
The Avengers,
and Spiderman,
those same people will inexplicably hate the X-Men
"Get out of my bar, freak."
because for some reason there’s a difference
between super-powers and mutant powers
... I guess. Suit up for director Bryan Singer’s first
two X-Men films,
that proved comic book movies can be awesome
and director(?) Brett Ratner’s The Last Stand
that proved comic book movies can totally suck balls.
Recoil as this spoiled hack douchebag takes the reigns of the beloved franchise,
only to kill off your favorite characters,
leave out your favorite characters,
and depower your favorite characters.
"I had to."
all while completely butchering the Phoenix Saga,
a storyline so iconic even the cartoon did it justice.
"Scott, please, do it!"
"I can't!"
"Ahhh!"
But don’t worry, they’re sending Wolverine back in time to make sure Brett Ratner never
happened.
Meet Professor X, the Dumbledore of Xavier’s
School for Witchcraft and Wizardry
(It's basically ITT Tech for weirdos). Suit up with his best students, the X-Men,
leather fetish versions of the popular comic book characters.
There’s Wolverine, a man with a mysterious past that must have included a lot of steroids,
Cyclops, a bratty cry-baby who’s only there to salt Wolverine’s game,
"Stay away from my girl."
Rogue, who gets the crappy no-touching part of her powers but not flight or super strength,
Storm, who can control the variations of the weather
but not her bad African accent,
"At least I've chosen a side."
"Hank, tell all the students the school stays open."
Gambit,
and Jean Grey, whose phoenix energy is released through the power
of
stares.
They’ll team up against Magneto, a Holocaust survivor who basically becomes Hitler,
"We are the cure!"
a walking internet meme,
“I’m the juggernaut, bitch!”
and His Na’vi sidekick Mystique --
wait, is she naked?
She’s totally naked, right?
Man, someone got to paint that on her bewbs...
to make them, you know, blewbs.
Ugh, I’m so lonely.
Watch as all mutantkind must band together
to defeat evil government officials out to prove that mutants are dangerous
which they totally are.
Ugh! Jeez!
Starring...
Melisandre,
Occulus Rift,
Twiiiinks,
Sookie,
Ron Paul,
Logan Valjean,
Rebecca Romijn,
Hairy Blewbs,
and Timmy!
The X-Men Trilogy
So they couldn’t find room for Gambit, Psylocke, or Cable,
but they managed to fit in Horn Man, Slim Fast, and
the Bad Hugger?
Ugh.