Due to health restrictions
and the lack of a studio audience,
we haven't been able to have stand-up comics perform
on our show during the pandemic.
So I thought, what if I sent a cameraman
to their homes to safely shoot them from a distance?
Here with a message to some of you out there,
is a very funny gentlemen, Calvin Evans.
Calvin.
I'm from Chicago, but I been quarantined in LA.
And I see a lot of plastic surgeons.
I'm gonna say this, not a fan of it.
Now don't get me wrong. If you had like an accident
and they just putting some back the way it was,
I completely understand.
But if you're doing it for vanity reasons, not a fan of it.
And the reason is
I feel like we need ugly people.
Now, I'm not saying that in a messed up way.
I feel like ugly people,
advance society by leaps and bounds.
Think about all the greatest people in history.
They all been ugly.
Beautiful people? They don't do anything.
They just reap the benefits of being beautiful.
And we accept them at face value. Literally.
Like for instance, Angelina Jolie. Gorgeous woman.
She's so gorgeous her entire career,
nobody ever said to her, "Hey, your lip's chapped."
They was like, you know what? Don't even worry about it.
Just, just keep being beautiful.
But ugly people gotta do amazing things
to reap those same benefits.
Like for instance, Steve jobs.
Weird, ugly looking dude, wear glasses.
He's sitting around thinking his-self, "What if?"
'Cause that's what you gotta do when you're ugly.
You gotta think about stuff that don't exist
so people can like you.
He was like, "What if,
what if I had all my music in my pocket?"
We got iPods, iPads,
changed how we even understand cell phones.
He would've never thought of that
if he was having sex with somebody.
Jeff Bezos. Bald head, weird looking dude.
He sit around his house thinking about,
"What if I could just stay my ugly ass at home and shop?
We got Amazon. Changed the way we shop.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Do y'all think of Harriet Tubman was beautiful
she would've saved as many slaves as she did?
Now don't do that. Don't do that.
If Harriet Tubman was beautiful, she'd be a footnote
in the history books about some slave
that had a bunch of mixed kids.
But she wasn't.
She was ugly and she was enslaved and she was looking around
and she was like, "Yo, what if I left?"
And she did.
She left, she came back. She left, she came back.
She saved hundreds, thousands of slaves.
That was so unprecedented at the time,
we forgot how she looked and almost put her on a $20 bill.
And then they print the 20 out, they was like,
"Yo, who the hell is this?
Is this the only picture we got?
What do you mean it's Photoshopped?"
Look, if you sitting at home and you're watching this
and you ugly, stop worrying about your looks.
Get up and go change the world.
I been Calvin Evans. It's my time.