One of our biggest challenges especially as parents is to figure out how to stay
calm when I feel like yelling.
Here's where we start with this. Understanding what's going on in the
equipment of our own brain. Your brain is designed to keep you safe. And this is
good news. Your brain loves you. It doesn't want you to
get wiped out or annihilated in some way. And so, there are natural reactions that
are built into your own brain to keep you safe.
What is yelling all about? Yelling is a defensive mechanism in the face of a
perceived threat. Think about it. Why would you ever yell? Because you feel
threatened, right? And your brain is designed to take care of you. So, I want
you to understand that this is a natural response that your brain is having to
that perceived threat. It's part of what we collectively refer to as the
fight-or-flight response. Think about those 2 words for a minute.
Fight or flight. You're going to do one of those things to keep yourself safe
from the perceived threat. And yelling is a form of fight. You're not wrong for
feeling like yelling. It's just your brain taking care of you. In the moment,
when you feel like yelling, you are flooded with chemicals.
Now, chemicals are the way that our nerves talk to each other. So, in a neuron,
there's a part of the neuron called the axon which comes out to an ending where
there are things called dendrites. Those dendrites communicate with each other
through a gap called the synapse. You didn't know you were going to get your
neurophysiology today, did you? But what happens in that synapse is important.
Because it's chemicals that carry the message from this nerve to that nerve.
It's chemicals that bridge the gap of that synapse. And these chemicals tend to
come when we need them for survival. So, in your nervous system, there's a
natural process set up by which these chemicals can do their job. When we feel
like yelling we've already been flooded with chemicals. And it's going through
our entire body. It's causing a different reaction in different organs. When
adrenaline (for example) hits your heart it causes it to beat faster. It causes
you to feel a little pumped up. Well, that's so that you can do one of those
2 things, fight-or-flight. This makes sense, right? The chemicals that flood
your system also shut down some of the higher cortical areas of your brain that
allow you to do thinking and reasoning and problem-solving. That's why we
usually regret it later after we've yelled. It didn't help. Did it? No. And in
fact, it sometimes makes things worse. Realize that some of this is happening
because of the chemistry and it doesn't let you off the hook. You're still
responsible for your behavior. But understanding that there's chemicals
onboard will help to guide our strategy for what we're going to do to stay calm
when we feel like yelling. I give you that as a preface because I'm going to
share some strategies with you next that need to be done when you're not flooded,
when you're not overwhelmed with the chemicals. Because we need a different
part of your brain to be functioning for that. And we're going to do some
conditioning to try to get the brain into a better place to handle it better
when we feel like yelling. But I'm not saying that you should do this when you
feel like yelling. Are you tracking this? You need to practice and condition
yourself when you're not flooded. That's going to make a huge difference. Here's
the first thing that I want you to try: Calming techniques when you're not upset.
Remember we don't want to be flooded when we do this because our brains not
working the way we need it to right then. We're going to practice this at other
times to prepare ourselves to take it on better when we're under stress. Calming
techniques can range from yoga to meditation to progressive muscle
relaxation to focus breathing. And in fact, breathing is probably the easiest
way or the quickest way to get yourself to a calming response. The method that I
would suggest is one that I've used with my clients for decades now. And it's
simple and easy and something that you can practice when you're not flooded.
Here's the protocol: You breathe in through the nose nice and slow. Just draw
it in and fill up those lungs and stretch it. Now, hold for just a few
seconds and feel the stretch and then you exhale through the mouth.
Restrict the flow here at your lips. Like you're blowing out birthday candles. And
you want to prolong that exhale because you want it to be about twice as long as
the inhale. For whatever reason, we figured out that this strategy works
really well to trigger a calming response in your brain. So, try that. And I
would suggest you do 3 to 5 reps. One rep is in through the nose hold out
through the mouth. 3 to 5 reps. 3 times a day for 5 days. Notice
this isn't when you're flooded. It's not when you feel like yelling. This is to
condition and train your brain to respond differently. And if you practice,
you can in the moment you feel like yelling take one breath. Just in through
the nose hole, run out through the mouth. And you'll
feel that... I feel it just now because I've practiced it. You will feel calmer.
That's an important tool. Then it gets a little trickier. Some of the other things
we get to do when we're not flooded to prepare our mind to be calm when we feel
like yelling is to get into the underlying psychological issues behind
why we feel like yelling in the first place. Remember, your body is designed to
protect you from perceived threat. Most of the time when you feel like yelling,
you're not exposed to threat. But there's a little part of your brain doesn't know
that. And it perceives or picks up a threat when your child refuses to obey,
for example. Are you facing threat in that moment? No. It's your child. But it's
a perceived threat. And the alarms go off in your brain and have you reacting as
if this was a real danger to you. That's why the chemicals flood your system. When
we get to the underlying causes behind our frustration or anger or resentment,
whatever it is that's causing us to feel like yelling, we can start to rethink
those things in a way that puts us in a higher level of control. This one is not
easy and you might need a little bit of help with that. So, get into some coaching
or hire a therapist. Do something that helps you to get to the underlying
causes of that frustration and anger that has you feel like yelling. And
you'll be able to stay calm more easily. A very related item is to train yourself
to think differently. Again, not easy because we default to our programming.
Our programming is whatever we were trained, taught and educated to think. And
usually was started by people who didn't give us a choice, they just programmed us.
It's not easy to change your thinking. But it is possible and it's
potential if you really want to remain calm when you normally feel like yelling.
Its you're thinking that has you feeling like you need to yell. It's not your
circumstances. Wait, let me say that again. It's your thinking that has you feeling
like yelling, not your circumstances. And that is so misleading because we think
that that person or that situation or that context is what's making us so
angry and we feel like yelling. There are other people in the same circumstances
who are not yelling. Hello! That's a little wake up to the possibility that
maybe something going on in the real estate between my ears is causing that
feeling or that impulse for me. And you get to take a look at that. Train
yourself to think differently. Train yourself how are you going to do that. You
might need some help with this too. That's why there are books and coaches
and therapists and resources like this channel to help you do that.
This is crucial. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look
at change. When you change the way you think about things, the things you think
about change. And it's not a miraculous transformation out there in the world.
That's still pretty much doing what it usually does. The change is here. And that
powerful change is what will put you in position to stay calm even when you feel
like yelling. I know a lot of that's philosophical. So, let me give you some
very practical scripts that you can use as you start to train yourself to think
differently. And there's 3 that I would suggest that you start with. Number
1, "I'm right on schedule". Alright? Now, you might think "Well, how is that
relevant when I feel like yelling at somebody else?" Well a lot of times the
dialogue in our own mind has us feeling like we're somehow
behind the game or we're not quite up to snuff or we're not adequate or on
schedule. That's why I like this one. It tricks your mind in some really cool
ways. Now, when you say it, just try saying it with me right now. I'm right on
schedule. And you say it with a little tilt to your voice raise your eyebrows,
just to touch. "I'm right on schedule." How did that feel
besides goofy? It's kind of a relief. Now, some of my clients tell me, "I feel
like I'm lying to myself." Yeah, you very well might be lying to yourself. Because
you don't know if you're on schedule or not. But you've been telling yourself all
along you're behind. So, it's not going to feel natural for you to say, "I'm right on
schedule" even though I think the arguments are
very compelling in favor of that very perception. Here's another one. This is
perfect for me. Say it especially when things are
painful or difficult or frustrating. Practice it, write it down. Put a little
slip of paper in your pocket. Pull it out when you need to. This is perfect for me.
And you're going to feel (again) awkward, almost like you're lying to yourself. You
don't know if this is perfect for you. I have spent the last 13 years doing a
podcast called Live On Purpose Radio. And in that podcast, I interview inspiring
people about their inspiring stories. Guess what? Every inspiring story has a
hard part. And if you're experiencing something hard, you're probably right in
the middle of your inspiring story and this is perfect for you. Work on that.
Let's see where we go with it. One other very practical thing you can
do when you're starting to feel like yelling is breathe.
Remember, we practiced that earlier. And if you've practiced it, it becomes a tool
in the moment. And invite yourself to be fully present. You might even try saying,
"I am present." And that will trigger your mind to get off of all of the stuff
that's distracting you into feeling like yelling. And
back in the here and now. We're good. So, bring yourself back to the present.
I hope those practical strategies are going to help you to stay calm when you
feel like yelling. I'm not sure if you even knew that we have abundant
resources already for you to help you stay more positive. Come on over to Live
On Purpose Central. Go to DrPaulJenkins.com and me and my team will
hold your hand through all of this personal development.