foreign hey there everybody and welcome to this short video on
five tips to help someone with a trauma Bond I'm your host Dr Donnelly Snipes
if you're interested in learning more about working with people who have experienced
trauma a master class in trauma-informed care is available at all ceus.com tic
just to review a trauma bond is a connection between a victim and an abuser in which the victim
rationalizes or justifies the abuse because they don't believe that they can escape the situation
trauma bonds are a common symptom of complex PTSD
what can you do if you know someone who is in a toxic relationship who's formed a trauma Bond what
can you do to help them in the last video I talked about the fact that the victim in a trauma Bond or
the abuse in a trauma Bond has done some mental gymnastics in order to endure the abuse they are
experiencing so now they believe that the abuse is their fault they believe that
the abuser's actions are their fault and that the abuser actually loves them
so it's going to be really hard to help them see a different perspective the abuser has gone to
Great Lengths to brainwash them to convince them that they are incompetent and unlovable
and can't survive without them so how do you help this person you see what's going on you
recognize it's completely dysfunctional and your heart goes out to them but you can't walk up to
them and say hey why don't you come stay with me for a while because that's just not healthy
the victim will would likely become extremely defensive and maybe even push you away
as a result so what do you do it's important to establish I know you get tired of me saying
this a secure attachment consistently non-judgmental awareness recognize that
they've been brainwashed to believe the abuse is love and they deserve it when you're talking
with them when you recognize maybe they come to work and they've got a black eye or something and
no amount of encouragement to get them to report it is going to do any good
being consistently non-judgmental and empathizing with them how scary it
must have been empathizing with them how powerless they may feel whatever goes on
just listen to what they have to say you may not agree with what they're saying
but take a non-judgmental stance because you are not in their skin you are not in their head
respond accept them where they are if they are not ready to leave then pushing them to leave
is just going to push them away accept them where they are and just be consistently there
uh when they're and and be there when they're ready be a sounding board when you can
attention give them positive attention I don't mean love bombing but if it's somebody you work
with or a friend you see or maybe it's a parent that you see on the playground when your kids are
you know having their play dates inquire about them ask about what they like to do compliment
them on things show them positive attention now not fake attention but positive attention
to help them see you're planting little seeds in there that say hey maybe you actually do
have something to offer because remember the abuser has beaten their self-esteem way down
and made them believe they don't have anything to offer validation empathize with their fears
of leaving if that topic comes up their guilt for what they believe is their fault and their shame
for what they believe is wrong with them you don't have to say yeah you sounds like you really suck
but empathizing with it sounds like you feel like you can't do anything right you know recognizing
empathizing with and hearing non-judgmentally what they're saying is going to be important
encouraging them encouraging them to explore encouraging them to consider
alternate perspectives at the right time remember the more you try to break them up
the more resistance you're likely going to get because they're afraid they're terrified they
can't survive without that person and they're terrified nobody else is going to want them
they truly believe these things so coming up to them and telling them something different is like
telling them the sky is purple they're going to look at you like you're crazy and probably
step back from you some so provide encouragement when they start doing things again if you're maybe
at a play date with your kids on the playground commenting on how well behaved their kids are
or something providing positive feedback and safety let them know you will help if there's
ever anything I can do for you if you ever need any help I'm here you don't have to say when
you're ready to leave the abuser you can come to me you can just say if there's ever anything
you need I'm here for you and if they ask for resources provide them again you don't want to
bombard them with resources for domestic violence shelters and this that and the other because they
will take that as criticism of the abuser who they are going to vehemently defend at least initially
once they start softening a little bit then they may be open to resources um or there may
be periods where they are more receptive to resources that you can provide at that time
recognize that this relationship is filling a need for the person and was not created
overnight and you're not going to change it overnight you may not ever change it
but recognizing that is important they went through an extreme grooming process
be realistic in your expectations for what can happen would you like to see them get
out of that relationship and get into a healthy relationship and live happily ever after sure
is that realistic right now what is realistic in the short term what is realistic
maybe the only realistic thing is that they continue to have contact with you you know
and and remember part of the grooming process is isolation so if they continue to have contact with
you when your kids are on Mutual play dates or at work or something that is a realistic expectation
seek support for yourself from a therapist or a domestic violence organization it's really
important to recognize that this is emotionally draining when you're seeing somebody being abused
and you feel helpless to intervene now I have to make my little you know a statement here if
you're a mandatory reporter and you see that there's abuse going on you have to report it
um if you know that there's human trafficking going on you can encourage the person to report
it to the authorities and in some cases you may be obligated to report it depending on what your
job is if you're a mandatory reporter so be aware of your legal responsibilities that applies for
teachers pastors doctors nurses counselors but if you are not one of those people who works in
human services um it can be helpful to be aware of the resources that are out there
for people who are experiencing domestic violence or who are victims of trafficking
finally if this is triggering traumas from your past seek counseling you may have grown up in a
family in which your caregivers were involved in a trauma Bond and now you're seeing this in
somebody else and your family of origin didn't work out so good so now you're hoping that maybe
this will work out differently it's important to recognize what's being triggered in you so
you can address those things even if your family of origin worked out well it may reopen some of
those wounds and you may need to process that a little in order to keep it from causing you
more mental distress than is actually healthy or helpful
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trauma bonds form as a way of surviving the abuser uses the victim's need for love to manipulate them
since victims believe they can't escape they must resolve their cognitive dissonance by
believing that abuse is love and the abuse is their fault
victims will often become very defensive if they feel you're criticizing or attacking the abuser
helping them even for counselors even for victim Advocates is often a very slow
process of providing a safe and supportive life lifeline and planting seeds of change