Why would I be feeling this way if I had served
a faithful mission? Or why would
I be feeling this way if our Savior
and Heavenly Father really loved me?
My first exposure to pornography was when I was very young.
It wasn't something that I consciously sought after for
a long time. It was just something that I became aware of.
And then as I got older,
I began to recognize the different stresses of life,
and they started to take a toll on me.
I remembered back to when I had access to pornography
and began to consciously seek it.
Eventually, I did decide to go on a mission.
It kind of forced me into addressing this,
forced me into repenting. I stopped viewing pornography.
I went to my bishop. I think to me that confession was enough.
I had told the people I needed to tell, and that was good;
that got me on a mission. I thought I’d put that behind me.
Or like as you're leaving the mission field,
I think one thing that we don't speak about
as often is these expectations that are placed on us, right?
This expectation to date and to get married.
This expectation to perform well in school,
and then to start your career. I felt very pressured, trapped.
So eventually that led to pornography again, right?
So it led to negative coping mechanisms.
Having served a mission and taught people, and
I just felt extra guilty. I would always question like: “Oh,
did I just not fully repent of this before?
Could I have been more effective?”
I went in to a professor’s office to ask him about a TA position
and fully did not expect for him to be spiritually inspired
as he was. He said: “Carissa,
I don't really know what's going on.
But I feel like you just need to hear.
You might think that there's a quota for
the number of times that we mess up. But there isn’t.”
I had been trying to change, but I kept messing up, right?
So I thought that that had set me back to the very beginning.
And he helped me to understand that regardless of
the number of times that I do mess up,
I had the desire to change.
But for a long time, I was doing it by myself.
And by myself, I mean that I literally didn't tell anyone,
and that was another big part of it,
was I felt that I could do it on my own without
the help of my Savior and then also the help of others.
I had many a conversation with different people, friends,
my parents, and my bishop. Even if they were there to help me,
I did expect some kind of,
“Like she she’s still messed up up, like, how could she do that?”
But no, it's it's been like instead of just listening
and like passively.
hearing me out; it’s been a lot of encouragement.
The reality is I am so far from perfect.
I can't even count the number of times that I've prayed
and earnestly wanted to change and then wasn’t able to resist
the temptation in the way that I wanted to.
I’ve come to realize that our Father in Heaven
and our Savior don’t have a cap on
the amount of times They can forgive us.
Our Savior’s Atonement is intended to pick us up from
the deepest of dark holes. He didn’t take away the trial;
He didn't take away the temptation.
He simply gave me better things to focus on.
And He helped me to see the good things in life.
I was able to continue to change
because I no longer felt that there was a quota of times that
I could mess up. I knew that my desire was there.
I knew that with my Savior that I could change.
And I knew that my Father in Heaven and my Savior
loved me. They do love me, They still love me.
And that love will never change regardless of my shortcomings.
I am going to put in the effort to pray to You.
I'm going to sit there quietly and listen and not be distracted.
I’ve done what You asked me to do.
So I felt like, yeah, I felt like I deserved an answer.
And when I wasn't getting it.
That’s where the anger came as I was like: “OK,
I'm not going to try.
Like, if You’re not going to answer me, I’m not going to try.”