- The Frontmen! - Season 4!
Featuring 4 of the best forwards in the world…
- Do you mean 4? - Versus...
The Backmen!
Featuring 5 of the best defenders in the world!
- 5? - Yes 5! Are you deaf?!
He’s probably got concussion from one of his own free-kicks... Hahahaha!
More like 4 of the defenders in the world + Sergio Ramos...
- Ow! - Hahahaha!
They’re fighting amongst themselves already!
- Typical forwards - P*tas!
Each week these two epic teams will go head-to-head in a series of challenges to decide who is best!
- The Frontmen or… - The Backmen!
Let the auditions commence!
Come on Cristiano, time to go...
Urgh, I had a terrible dream. I re-signed for Manchester United and ended up playing in the Europa League…
Hahaha...
- What?! - Hahahaha!
Tammy Abraham from AS Roma. I got skills.... they’re multi--- Argh!
- Sorry black Peter Crouch, it’s a no from me… - Damn!
Er, is it okay to call him black Peter Crouch?
Of course it’s okay! It’s not racist or anything, white Gary Coleman...
Ha-Harry from Manch---
- Congratulations! You’re in the Backmen! - Vamos!
Wha-What? But I haven’t done anything to-to-to deserve it yet
- Just like his move to Manchester United! Hahaha! - Ever heard of good cop/bad cop, Harry?
It-It-It was just bad cops in Greece...
Well picking you is like good defender, bad defender. If I pick you, you will make me look way better than I already am.
I-I-I-I’m confused...
For ***k’s sake! He makes Phil Jones look like Stephen Hawking.
Just sit down and help us audition people before I run over there and check your prostate with my teeth!
O-Okay Señor Re-Re-Re-Red Card!
Christian Eriksen from Brentford slash hopefully Manchester Utd...
- Prepare the defibrillator! - What?
- Er, is it okay to say that? - Of course it’s okay. Our insurance policy wouldn’t cover him.
Fail to prepare, prepare for to fail! Fail to prepare for heart failure, prepare to face a costly court-case. Not on my watch!
Dejan Lovren! The best backman in the world!
Dejan, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done on a football pitch?
Hmmm. That would probably be my performance against Harry Kane.
He means what’s the meanest thing you’ve done, cockface!
We only want the finest shithouses in the Backmen!
Oh, er… I once accidentally elbowed Patrik Schick in the face...
- Hahaha, accidentally on purpose right? - No, accidentally by accident.
- Lame! - Go back to Siberia pussio!
- Siberia? - Ne-Ne-Next...
- Robert Lewan--- - One second Robert…
Lionel, I can’t believe I’m about to say this... But this season we need to work together...
Is this a prank?
- Erm, can I start now? - Shh Robert.
Urgh, this is exactly how my transfer request meeting went with Bayern...
We can’t have those Backdoormen humiliating us every week...
I’ve had a whole season of that and Manchester United and it sucks.
- Okay, let’s do it. - Siuu! Go on, you give it a try!
- Do I have to? - If we’re going to be besties, yes...
- Siuuu! - 10/10 Lionel!
- That actually felt kind of good - I know right!
- Off you go Robert... - Robert Lewandowski from Baye---
Cut! There’s no way Bayern will let you join the Frontmen stupid. Next!
Pricks!
David Alaba from Real Madrid
Lifting a chair up and down is the meanest thing you’ve ever done on a football pitch?
Yeah! It made the PSG players so angry! One of them even called me a swear word!
- Lame! - Agreed Señor Red Card!
- This new breed of centre-backs are piss-boring. - Plastic chair pussio!
Do-Do-Don’t worry guys, the next guy I’ve line-up is a footballer/ra-ra-ra-rapper!
Oh...
Sadio Mane, Bayern Munich.
- Why should we pick you, Sadio? - Because you guys are my inspiration...
- Particularly you, Lionel! - Thanks Sadio.
What about Lionel inspires you the most? His goals? His records? His penalties?
The fact he left one of the biggest clubs in the world to join a one-team farmer’s league. Truly inspirational.
I didn’t even want to leave... I didn’t even want to leave!
Next! How dare you insult my bestie, Sadio! Your pain is my pain, Lionel. Your pain is my pain...
Alphonso Davies hit me up for your backmen! Spitting pure fire, pure flames for my mandem...
- Fire extinguished! - Hahahaha!
That rap is the meanest thing he’s ever done?
- More like the shitt**t thing he’s ever done - Where have all the shithouses gone?
If it’s shithouses you wa-want, then it’s shithouses I'll get! Ne-Ne-Ne-Next!
If you're watching this, I am being held hostage at Chelsea against my will.
First it was by Russian terrorists… but now I’m being held hostage by American terrorists.
AKA white American teenagers…
- Should we kill him Mr. Boehly? - What? No! Just teach him how to shoot will you?
- Oh, no fair! - We’re like so oppressed and marginalised!
Please come and rescue me!
- Cut! - This is an audition for the Frontmen!
Stop abusing our facilities to film your come and get me plea to Inter.
- No Romelu! Don’t leave! - Sorry Timo, it’s time to go.
- But with you at Chelsea, everyone has forgotten how bad I am! - What?!
- Pussio? - You have a lot of explaining to do Harry…
Ke-Keep watching guys… this is right up your s-s-s-street...
- Pussio? - Grade A shithousery by Kurt Zouma!
- I-I knew you’d love it guys... - Señor Red Card loves cats!
- What!? - Argh!
Next! Sorry Toni, you’re not even a Frontman...
Er, 1 it’s a statue and 2 it’s not Toni Kroos. It’s supposed to be Sergio Aguero...
- Really? - Really!
- Really?! - Really...
Please let me join the Frontmen... Please! Look what they did to my face. I'm a monster... A monster!
I feel your pain, Sergio. Just like Jack Grealish, these sculptors are stealing a living!
- But it’s a no. - What?
Some of the challenges require physical activity.
Noo! Lionel, my dearest friend... Can you change his mind?
- No can do, Sergio. I can’t break the bro-code. - Siuu!
Walk Sergio! Walk! Our insurer's provider wouldn’t cover you!
- Listen up, pussios! You need to raise your game! - And not plastic chairs...
Forget screen-presence and football skills, the Backmen are looking for football shithousery!
So get shithousing!
- What do we want? - Shithouses!
- When do we want them? - Now!
- But no harming pussios. - No harming pussios.
- Jack Grealish from Man--- - Long live the Backmen!
What?!
- Vamos! - Now that is what I’m talking about!
- Finally! Shortlist him! - Va-Va-Va-Vamos!
Pickford has had a busy game so far…
- Argh! - Vamos!
- Shortlist him! - Va-Va-Vamos!
- Now your leg is almost as short as your arms! - Hahahaha! And a killer one-liner too! Epic shithousery!
- Asterix him! - Va-Va-Va-Vamos!
Gareth from Wales! Future winner of the Qatar 22 Golden Boot!
For!
- Holy shit! - I mean, we’d never have picked him anyway, but holy shit!
- Vamos! - Shortlist him!
- Va-Va-Vamos! - Vamos!
Hey Gavi! Say hi to your step-papá!
- Vamos! - Shortlist him!
- Despite the fact he’s a massive Barca Bellend? - Despite the fact he’s a massive Barca Bellend!
- Va-Va-Va-Vamos! - Maybe he’ll give me Shakira’s number… I’d like to waka waka her!
Argh! I can see Jesus!
- Vamos! - Shortlist him!
- Va-Va-Va-Vamos! - You're my idol!
- Vamos! - Take that Pussio killer!
RIP Pussio… Taken too soon.
Cavani? Has anyone seen Edinson Cavani?
- I think he’s a no show… - Not for the first time this season…
- Ha! - Siuu!
Argh! You nasty pasty! Argh!
- Vamos! - Sho-Sho-Shortlist him?
- Shortlist him! - Va-Va-Va-Vamos!
- Vamos! - Shortlist him!
Va-Va-Va-Vamos!
I thought I was in charge of the Frontmen!
Are you feeling lucky whore? Well, are you?
Don’t shortlist him...
- Vamos! - Vamos!
- He said go f**k yourselves! - What?!
¿Qué?
- Pep bids 1 billion pounds for Harry Kane! - Deal!
- Deal! - Prank!
- Vamos! - Vamos!
Oh… doomed to a life of slavery
Enough!
- At this rate there will be no Frontmen left! - Pussios!
- Auditions over! - Siuu!
- Vamos! - Cut to the teams reveal!
THE FINAL TEAMS
The Frontmen!
- Ronaldo! - Siuu!
- Messi! - Siuu!
- Kane! - Siuu!
Haaland! ...You have to siu Milly Bobby Brown!
- Siu. - ...and Luis Diaz!
- ¿Qué? - Well this is a shit start!
Always the bridesmaid, never the bride…
I didn’t even get an audition! ***k you Lionel!
The Backmen!
- Ramos! - Vamos!
- Maguire! - Va-Va-Vamos!
- That Barca Bellend, Pique! -Vamos! Hey Gavi, your step-Papá is on YouTube!
- Van Dijk! - Vamos!
- And Toni Rudiger! - Vamos!
What the f---
Let the challenges begin!
Let the shithousery begin!