COMPUTERISED VOICE: Alreet, pet? How's it gannin?
What time does the Greggs open?
These are the sounds of the everyday Geordie,
and I want them in me mouth.
But...
My name is Lee Ridley.
I'm a stand-up comedian.
When I found out I wouldn't be able to talk again,
I was speechless.
Now I sound like a posh Robocop.
So I'm travelling the country to find a new accent
to record on my tablet.
There's one objective - it has to be funny.
RP FEMALE COMPUTERISED VOICE: This voice doesn't work.
This week, I'm in Newcastle,
home to Ant and Dec, Cheryl Cole Fernandez,
and this branch of Sports Direct,
where I stole all of my clobber.
But does everyone in Newcastle sound like Gazza?
I hope not.
I don't know what he's saying, even when he's sober.
I says, just cos you see a cow in a field
doesn't mean you're getting steak the night, sunshine.
I went, "Now, fuck off."
Have you seen all these gorgeous girls...
Very gorgeous. Beautiful, gorgeous girls here.
I can't understand a word they are saying.
But I think I like it.
I want to get to grips with the native Geordie accent,
so I've come to the most Geordie place on Earth
to soak up its slang.
Hiya, Lee. What can I do for you today?
Alreet, pet?
I'm here for a back, sack and crack.
Right, OK. If you just take a seat, we'll fit you in as soon as we can.
I'm looking for a new accent for my tablet.
Can you teach me some slang that I'll need to know?
Yeah, what do you need to know?
I'd like to chat up some girls. Ooh.
What slang would I use?
Mint. They're mint. That's what I would use, yeah.
What does "mint" mean?
What does "mint" mean? Oh, it means, "Fantastic." "Great."
What if you had to describe a really good mint?
A really good mint?
What do you mean?
Would it be a mint mint?
I've picked up a few words after watching Geordie Shore. Yeah?
I wonder if you could tell me what they mean. Yeah, I will do.
Number one - raji.
Oh, raji.
It means you're a bit of a... If I was down south, you'd say a geezer.
I think you say chavs, down south, don't you?
Number two - Scott has done a crap in the kettle.
I think it means he's probably done a crap in the kettle.
I think that's what that means. He probably has.
One last thing - can you just say...
"Watch us wreck the mic, watch us wreck the mic,
"watch us wreck the mic.
"Psych"?
No.
Please.
There we are, that's you all done.
I'm now going to leave you for five minutes' peace, OK?
I'm burning.
The towels are burning.
I am starting to warm to this accent.
But will it turn me into a global megastar like I deserve?
If only I could ask a famous Geordie...
because we've booked him.
Who are you?
They told me I'd be interviewing Gazza.
Oh... I'm not quite Gazza.
We've got a few similarities. We both like a drink,
having a good time, though I'm not quite the legend that Gazza was.
Well, why are we in St James' Park?
I've climbed 1,000 stairs.
Well, that's all good, man. It'll keep you fit.
There's no better place in Newcastle, really, is there?
I mean, you walk in, even when it's quiet like this,
you get, like, goose bumps.
Are Geordies funnier than Scousers?
See, I personally think Geordies are funnier than Scousers.
I've known some mental Scousers, but I find Scousers, when they talk,
it's like they've got phlegm in their mouth all the time...
HE HACKS like that.
So a lot of the stuff they say I struggle to understand,
but then they have had some funny, funny people, like John Bishop.
He's funny, isn't he?
What about the Welsh? They sound ridiculous.
The Welsh.
I like Wales. I've had some good times in Wales,
but the people do sound like farmers.
How would you say, "The rain in Spain falls mostly on the plain"?
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.
That was beautiful. Was that all right?
I'm crying.
Oh, I'm glad I done a good job of it.
It's time to hear what the people think
when they hear my jokes in Geordie.
I'm from a family of disabled people. At least I thought I was.
Turns out they're all just alcoholic
and walk like that when they're drunk.
I used to be in a disabled Steps tribute act.
We were called Ramps.
Oh, my God.
My new Geordie voice is doing OK, but let's try my usual delivery.
I hate that we have so many politically correct words
to describe disabled people.
It's all special needs, special schools, special Olympics.
That's why, when I hear about special forces going to war,
I shit myself.
They're good, like, they're good. Yeah.
Well, there we are. I've shown that if I have the Newcastle twang
of James from Geordie Shore, I'll die on my arse.
My search continues.
Next week, I'm in Iraq...
for pleasure.