WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WITH YOU OVER THERE, OUT THERE AND IN HERE
BECAUSE IT'S A STRANGE DAY.
A VERY STRANGE DAY, YOU KNOW.
>> Jon: MM-HMM.
>> Stephen: IT'S A STRANGE AND DISTURBING NEWS DAY IN AMERICA.
THE "NEW YORK TIMES" SUMMED IT WITH THEIR NEW SLOGAN "ALL THE
NEWS THAT'S ICK TO PRINT."
THE ICKY STARTS WITH "EMPIRE" ACTOR JUSSIE SMOLLETT, WHO WA
-- ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
-- I FEEL THE SAME WAY -- WHO WAS
TAKEN INTO CUSTODY TODAY FOR FILING A FALSE REPORT, AFTER
POLICE DETERMINED THAT HE STAGED A RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC ATTACK
AGAINST HIMSELF LAST MONTH.
NOW, THIS STORY INVOLVES RACE, SEXUALITY, POLITICS, AND
VIOLENCE.
SO, I NEED TO TREAD VERY LIGHTLY HERE, AND SIMPLY SAY, WHAT A
(BLEEP)!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) JUST, OH!
NO!
JUST -- I'M SORRY.
I JUST -- COME ON!
SMOLLETT CAST HIMSELF AS A FAKE NATIONAL SYMBOL OF OUR REAL
RACIAL AND POLITICAL DIVIDE WHEN HE TOLD POLICE HE HAD BEEN
ATTACKED BY TWO MASKED MEN AT THE ENTRANCE OF THE LOEWS HOTEL
IN CHICAGO.
HE CLAIMED THAT THEY YELLED RACIST AND HOMOPHOBIC REMARKS
USED PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP'S SIGNATURE SLOGAN, "MAKE AMERICA
GREAT AGAIN."
TIED A NOOSE AROUND HIS NECK AND POURED BLEACH ON HIM, THEN FLED.
BUT POLICE SAY THAT SMOLLETT ACTUALLY HIRED TWO BROTHERS,
WHO ARE ALSO BLACK, TO CARRY OUT THE SCHEME.
LOOK, I'M NOT AN EXPERT, BUT IF YOU'RE GOING TO FAKE A WHITE
SUPREMACIST HATE CRIME, HIRE WHITE GUYS!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: TWO WHITE GUYS!
MAYBE GUYS THAT DON'T LIVE IN CHICAGO, TOO.
>> Stephen: THIS IS ONE PLACE WHERE YOU DON'T WANT DIVERSITY.
( LAUGHTER ) I LIVED IN CHICAGO.
THEY HAVE WHITE MEN THERE.
GO TO A BLACKHAWKS GAME.
( LAUGHTER ) SMOLLETT ALSO, AND THIS IS A
CONSPIRACY NO-NO, PAID THE BROTHERS BY CHECK!
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON.
AND IT DIDN'T HELP THAT HE WROTE IN THE MEMO LINE "FOR FAKING
HATE CRIME AGAINST ME, JUSSIE SMOLLETT, THE GUY FROM
'EMPIRE.'" THIS WHOLE THING IS A HORRIBLE
AFFRONT TO ACTUAL VICTIMS OF HATE CRIMES, DONE HORRIBLY.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YES, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Stephen: THERE'S NO GOOD REASON TO TO SOMETHING LIKE
THIS, BUT SMOLLETT HAD A PARTICULARLY BAD
ONE.
CHICAGO POLICE?
>> THIS STUNT WAS ORCHESTRATED BY SMOLLETT BECAUSE HE WAS
DISSATISFIED WITH HIS SALARY.
>> STEPHEN: WHAT?!
HE STAGED A HATE CRIME TO BOOST HIS CAREER?
THERE ARE LEGITIMATE WAYS TO DO THAT.
HASN'T HE EVER HEARD OF A SEX TAPE?
( LAUGHTER ) COME ON, A NIGHT VISION CAMERA
ON THE DRESSER.
"SOMEHOW" IT LEAKS, BINGO, YOU'RE HOSTING "THE LATE SHOW."
OKAY?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: YOU GOT THE TAPE?
YOU GOT THE TAPE?
>> Stephen: I'M NOT SAYING ANYTHING.
I'M JUST SAYING THEY DON'T GIVE THESE JOBS AWAY.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, ALONG WITH EVERYONE ELSE IN
AMERICA, THE PRESIDENT IS MAD AT JUSSIE, TWEETING,
"AT-JUSSIE-SMOLLETT, WHAT ABOUT MAGA AND THE TENS OF MILLIONS OF
PEOPLE YOU INSULTED WITH YOUR RACIST AND DANGEROUS COMMENTS!?"
(AS TRUMP) "AFTER ALL, RACIST AND DANGEROUS
COMMENTS, KIND OF MY THING.
NEVER RUB ANOTHER MAN'S RHUBARB."
( APPLAUSE ) THAT'S TRUE.
>> Jon: I WON'T BE TOUCHING NO RHUBARB.
>> Stephen: BUT SMOLLETT ISN'T THE ONLY ICKY NEWS TODAY.
LAST NIGHT, WE FOUND OUT THAT THE F.B.I. HAS ARRESTED A COAST
GUARD OFFICER WHO WAS PLANNING A RAMPAGE AGAINST DEMOCRATS AND
JOURNALISTS.
WHEN THEY RAIDED HIS APARTMENT THEY FOUND A HUGE CACHE OF
AMMUNITION AND WEAPONS.
LOOK AT HOW NEAT THAT IS.
( LAUGHTER ) WHO SAYS MEN DON'T LIKE MARIE
KONDO?
( LAUGHTER ) "THIS GRENADE SPARKS JOY IN ME
( LAUGHTER ) ALSO, IT WILL SPARK A FIRE.
IT'S INCENDIARY."
THE OFFICER IN QUESTION, CHRISTOPHER P. HASSON, ONCE
WROTE IN A LETTER "I AM A LONG TIME WHITE NATIONALIST, HAVING
BEEN A SKINHEAD 30 PLUS YEARS."
30 YEARS?
THAT IS A LONG TIME.
HE IS CLOSE TO SKINHEAD RETIREMENT.
SOON HE CAN CASH IN HIS 401KKK ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT GOT A BETTER RESPONSE THAN
I THOUGHT.
>> Jon: I LIKE.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
( APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen:.
>> Stephen: HASSON WAS PLOTTING TO MURDER A
HUGE LIST OF PEOPLE, INCLUDING POLITICIANS, JOURNALISTS
PROFESSORS, JUDGES AND OTHERS.
IN ONE LETTER HASSAN WROTE, "I AM DREAMING OF A WAY TO KILL
ALMOST EVERY LAST PERSON ON THE EARTH."
SORRY, BUT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY IS WAY AHEAD OF YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) THEY HAVE AN APPETIZER OF
CHEESEBURGERS.
( LAUGHTER ) SO THIS MAN IS A HOMICIDAL,
RACIST MONSTER, SERVING IN OUR MILITARY, BUT DON'T WORRY, THE
COMMANDER IN CHIEF SLAPPED HIM DOWN WITH THE SAVAGE TWEET OF:
NOTHING.
SILENCE.
MAKES SENSE.
HASSON ONLY WANTS TO KILL EVERYONE ON EARTH.
IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S HOSTING "SNL."
PLUS, TRUMP COULDN'T TWEET ABOUT IT.
HE WAS TOO BUSY DENOUNCING BAD CELL PHONE SERVICE.
(AS TRUMP) "I WANT 5G, AND EVEN 6G,
TECHNOLOGY IN THE UNITED STATES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
IT IS FAR MORE POWERFUL, FASTER, AND SMARTER THAN THE CURRENT
STANDARD."
SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING HAPPENED TO THE WHITE HOUSE WIFI.
(AS TRUMP) "I'VE GOT MY PHONE HERE, BUT NO
INTERNET.
WHAT'S THE DEAL?
SOMEONE HELP ME FIND THE G-SPOT."
"I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THE -- THERE'S FIVE OF THEM.
I HEAR THERE'S FIVE ."
( PIANO RIFF ) NOW, IT'S POSSIBLE THAT TRUMP
DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT HERE BECAUSE 6G TECHNOLOGY
DOESN'T EXIST.
HE THINKS 6G IS YOUR OPENING OFFER TO SILENCE A PORN STAR.
(AS TRUMP) "OKAY, OKAY, I UNDERSTAND.
LOOK, MIKEY, I'M WILLING TO GO UP TO 130G, BUT FIRST, LOBALL
THEM.
WHICH BY THE WAY, IS WHAT I'M PAYING HER NOT TO TALK ABOUT.
THE LOW BALLS."
>> Jon: OH, OH, OH, OH...
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: COME ON!
HE'S A 72-YEAR-OLD MAN!
( SPEAKING IN TONGUES ) ♪ SWING LOW ♪
♪ SWEET CHARIOT ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THANK YOU.
THAT IS TERRIBLE.
HE RETURNED ON -- (AS TRUMP)
"AMERICAN COMPANIES MUST STEP UP THEIR EFFORTS, OR GET LEFT
BEHIND.
THERE IS NO REASON THAT WE SHOULD BE LAGGING BEHIND ON
DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT-DOT DOT-DOT-- SOMETHING THAT IS SO
OBVIOUSLY THE FUTURE.
I WANT THE UNITED STATES TO WIN THROUGH COMPETITION, NOT BY
BLOCKING OUT CURRENTLY MORE ADVANCED TECHNOLOGIES.
WE MUST ALWAYS BE THE LEADER IN EVERYTHING WE DO, ESPECIALLY
WHEN IT COMES TO THE VERY EXCITING WORLD OF TECHNOLOGY!"
YEAH, TRUMP'S A BIG SUPPORTER OF CUTTING-EDGE TECHNOLOGY LIKE
(AS TRUMP) "WALL."