People often ask me about boundaries: How to set them, how to hold them, and
how to manage them, especially with the people closest to us like our children or our employees or our bosses.
Well today we're going to talk about the number one most common obstacle to holding good boundaries.
The most common misunderstanding about boundaries is that setting or holding a boundary is mean
Harsh or bad . That by setting a boundary
We have to be mean to someone else. And people who believe this
have in the back of their minds of this idea that in order to set boundaries
You kind of have to balance out being kind and being mean to someone
While still loving them. I mean no wonder people shy away from holding boundaries because no one wants to be mean.
So let's look into this a little bit more people often associate saying yes
or giving someone something with being kind and
Loving and they associate saying no or being being firm direct or harsh with someone as being
unkind or hateful.
Well, let's let's look into this a little bit more closely because that is not a fair Association. We can say yes with love in
Our hearts or we can say yes with hate in our hearts, and we can say no with love or hate in our hearts
So let's take a look at this chart
On the top of this chart. We can see two categories being a loving and being hateful or
resistant right so where is our heart when we're doing a certain action and
is called the way of being by the Arbinger' Institute. And
It's talking about our deeper motivations or our intentions, are they selfless or selfish? And on the left side of this chart
We're talking about soft or hard
behaviors, so what type of behaviors were talking about.
Now it's easy to think of the soft and loving behaviors saying things like "Yes. I'll listen to you" or "Yes
I'll give you that toy that I know you've been wanting for along time" or "Yes
I'll let you go visit your friend because I trust you and I believe that you're gonna be where you say you're going."
So that's the soft loving corner of this chart. The bottom right corner
Are the hard behaviors with a resistant or hateful heart right and these are easy to understand as well,
So let's take a look at them:
They're
Screaming, yelling, holding a grudge, any kind of physical violence, right. These are hard behaviors that come from a selfish angry or hateful place.
Trying to force someone to change,
Saying no. Just because you're mad at someone, right.
So these are the two
Opposite ends of the spectrum and people often think that's kind of the only way to do it. If we say yes
We're being loving if we say no we're being hateful well
Let's talk about what it looks like if we're saying yes, if we're being soft having gentle behaviors
While holding hate or selfishness in our hearts, what does that look like?
This is a called soft resistant, so let's think of a parent who doesn't want to deal with their kid anymore
They might say sure"Yeah go watch TV"
I just don't want to deal with you right now is what they're saying in their heads. Or a parent in the grocery store
They're checking out- There's candy in the aisle the kid starts
screaming or asking for candy
Parent says yes, not because they think it's what's good for the child in this situation
But because they just don't want to hear the kids screaming
They're uncomfortable with the way other people look at them, they for their own discomfort are saying yes to the child. that's considered soft-
Resistant. Giving in in a selfish way
Here's another example: think of two people who are dating and the one says "I love you" and the other one says "I
Love you, too"
But they don't really mean it- they're actually planning on breaking up with that person.
But they don't want to have to have an awkward conversation or an uncomfortable conversation.
So they just kind of avoid it, maybe they'll break up with the person through text message
Or just stop stop talking into them altogether now this isn't because they're trying to be kind or loving to that other person.
It's because they don't want to feel that discomfort so to protect themselves they're just being all soft and sweet-
But in their heart, in their mind- They know they don't want to be with this person anymore.
It's perfectly it's hateful not to break up with someone.
But it is selfish to not be upfront with them to protect yourself from feeling that
discomfort. A couple more examples like being passive-aggressive or
Sucking up to a teacher. You know you're treating them really nicely to get something from them
These are all examples of being soft resistant now. Let's go to the other corner of this box
How is it possible to be hard with your behavior while still being loving?
I mean
I'm gonna ask you right now
Is it possible to go shove a little kid like right into the road and gets all scraped up- hit them hard?
Could that ever be a loving behavior?
Well, yes, if a car is coming. Right? If a car is coming to hit
This kid and you push them out of the way the car, and they get skinned knees
That's the most loving thing you can do for them in that moment. Now
I'm obviously not advocating physical violence, but I'm saying that almost all behaviors can be done from two different places-
From a loving selfless place or a hateful selfish place
so
Saying no more TV. Yes. You must brush your teeth. No you can't buy that toy right now
These are all ways to lovingly
Help provide a positive future and discipline for a child. If they're coming from a place of love
I once had this boss-his name with Shane Gallagher
He's amazing and he told me a story about a time when he fired someone with so much love and concern for their future
That they thanked him afterward and said "I just really appreciate you looking out for me" by firing me, right
He fired someone out of love for them
and
It was because you know the job just wasn't the right place for them to be they weren't able to do a good job for
The other people there, they needed to be somewhere else
So this is the hard loving side of things. I hope that by taking a look at this this chart
We're able to let go of this this false idea
that
Saying no is just this mean thing.
We have to do and balance out with you know being nice
Saying no can be one of the kindest most loving things we do for someone.
People respond more to our intentions
than whether we're saying yes or no. I mean working in residential treatment
I've seen two different staff
till one child and treatment the same rule "you have to
XYZ" and the other staff saying "you have to XYZ" and the child says yes to the one and no to the other
Because the child can tell where is that staff members heart is at the time
They're telling them that rule. So it's less about rules
Than it is about where your heart is when you're enforcing them and setting those boundaries.
People will feel when you're saying no to them they can feel that you care about them
when you do it. Some people might get confused by this-thinking that what I'm saying is we should let people walk all over us,
or we should allow people to take advantage of us
or we should never really do anything harsh to someone else. And that's absolutely not what I'm saying
If someone's mistreating you is it really in their best interest that you don't put your foot down?
No in
general the reason people don't set boundaries is because they're afraid of being mean, they're afraid of feeling guilty, or they're afraid of feeling scared.
So the reason they're not setting that boundary is not for the other person-
They're not trying to be kind to the other person. They're trying to prevent themselves from feeling uncomfortable.
It's it's selfish.
Setting boundaries with someone else or telling them no can be the kindest thing we do for them and the most honest thing we do
For ourselves but to do it we have to allow ourselves to experience our emotions.
Remember the way we get healthier is not just about feeling better,
But it's about getting better at feeling. So we allow ourselves to feel a little bit of discomfort
As we set these boundaries, and we're gonna get a lot better at it.
So just to sum things up let's let go of the idea that setting boundaries is mean and
focus instead on
Where our heart is when we're making these choices about boundaries.
Let's focus our intentions on being kind loving and seeing what the other person needs. I hope this was helpful and thanks for watching
I
Have to credit the Arvinder Institute for my foundation in
understanding this principle of "way of being"
They go into a lot more detail in their books like the anatomy of peace and leadership and self-deception now
They're not a sponsor or anything. I just really like them, so if you're interested in learning more about this go check out their books