- It was 1967 and 68
during the sexual revolution in America,
Lyndon B. Johnson.
And I was having the most wonderful time of my life
you could imagine.
(audience laughs)
Singing.
(audience laughs)
And I had done an audition for Fred Rogers
while I was still in matriculating at Carnegie Mellon.
And Fred, oh, thank you Fred,
had asked me to come on his television program,
"Mr. Rogers Neighborhood."
(audience claps)
And there are many ways to say yes, and I found them.
And the only stumbling block that I had in those days
was he asked me to be Officer Clemmons,
and that's going to have to wait for another story;
but it was very difficult to be Officer Clemmons,
but it was very easy to be close to Fred Rogers.
He convinced me of how valuable I would be
on his program and how much I could contribute.
And I wanted to be with him very much.
However, there was one evening, I was futzing
around my house, and he gave me a phone call,
and I picked up the phone,
"Hello, Fred, how you doing?"
He said, "Francois, I heard a story about you.
Have you been going to some club downtown in Pittsburgh
called The Playpen?"
(audience giggling)
"It's a gay club?"
I said, "Yeah, man, I had a wonderful time.
I was up half the night."
(audience laughs)
He said, "You can't go there anymore."
I said, "What?!"
"Can't go there anymore."
"There are people," he said, "who wouldn't like the idea
of an openly gay man,
on a children's television program, Francois.
They'll say terrible things about you.
And they'll imagine the worst.
And the next thing you know,
we're going to have Procter & Gamble
and Johnson and Johnson, who sponsors Joseph Horne Company.
They're going to pull their support away from us,
and we're not going to have a program."
He said, "You need to think about that."
Boy, oh boy, oh boy, was I ever shocked.
I liked being openly gay, to say the least.
And well, I also liked being on Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood.
I was having my career taking off.
I was in Screen Actors Guild.
I was in Equity.
I was American Federation of Television and Radio Artists.
I was 24 years old, and I was flying high.
And he was saying, "No, no, no, no, mm-mm,
can't do that."
It reminded me of when I was five years old,
and my family was in Youngstown, Ohio.
And we had all gotten together on Saturday,
and my cousin, Johnny Mae, was having a wedding,
and woo, I looked at her, and she was wearing
this beautiful white wedding dress.
And I said, "Oh, Johnny Mae, you look so beautiful!"
And she had a tiara on her hair and bangs here.
And I said, "I'm going to grow up, and one day,
I'm going to wear a wedding dress just like yours."
And whack!
All of a sudden, out of nowhere,
my mother slapped the shit out of me!
She said, "No son of mine is going to grow up
and wear a wedding dress!
Do you hear me, boy?!"
She hit me so hard that the tears flew out of my eyes,
and the gum I was chewing flew across the room.
And I knew I could never mention that again.
And I felt so hurt and so lost.
And here it was Fred telling me I couldn't go back
to The Playpen.
And that feeling started coming back to me again.
I can't be gay ever, anywhere, with anybody?
So I made up my mind, I'm going to do something.
I've got to conquer this.
So, I was talking to my friends about it.
"What should we do?
What can we do?"
And they said, "Well, you know, some people forget about it.
It fades away and eventually, you're straight."
(audience laughing)
Oh.
So I was telling this friend of mine, Carol,
she was my best buddy;
I talk to her about everything.
And she said, "Yeah, that's what I've heard too."
I said, "Carol, you too?"
And she said, "Yeah. France, is this talk a proposal?
"Oh, that's what you think?"
She said, "Yeah, that's what it sounds like."
"Well, yeah, it is a proposal then."
So we got married, just like that.
And I started doing all kinds of butch things.
Then I started washing the car.
(audience laughing)
And, let's see, what else?
I started mowing the grass.
I learned to use a hose well.
I watched the Super Bowl.
I went to football games (audience laughing)
instead of concerts.
And then eventually, when the Metropolitan Opera Auditions,
and we moved to New York,
and things were moving right along,
and the singing, and right there,
the Metropolitan Opera here,
next door to Alice Tully Hall, man.
I said, "Okay, you know."
Something was missing.
I tried it.
One day I was walking up Broadway, past a 69th street,
there was a club called La Boheme,
and I stood there and I looked in the big glass window,
and there were guys in there.
There was music playing.
♪ What's going on you all ♪
♪ Marvin Gaye ♪
♪ Oo mm ♪
And the guys are dancing and moving and drinking beer.
And I thought, "God I wish there were over."
Over there in the corner,
there were guys kissing and hugging.
And I thought, "It's been a long time since I kissed a guy."
I said, "I'm going to have to tell Carol.
This is not working.
It's not. I can't keep this up."
And in my mind, I kept thinking,
"You know, she deserved better.
She deserved a real husband who could love her
and who could see her as a special woman
and offer her a life with children and a family.
And I wasn't prepared to do that."
So I went home, and I told her.
And she didn't want to hear it.
"I don't want to hear it.
Don't tell me that.
I don't want to hear it," she cried.
And so, she ran into the bedroom crying.
"Oh God, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry."
And I kept going back and forth to rehearsals.
And one day I came home, she was gone.
"Don't call me, I'll call you."
So I decided, "And listen,
you stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Get your stuff packed up.
You can't stay in this apartment.
You can't afford the rent."
I found another apartment.
I called a couple of my buddies,
and they came over right away,
and they helped me throw some clothes in boxes,
and they got a U-Haul.
I was catatonic.
I couldn't help with the piano.
Couldn't help with the couch.
Couldn't with the bed.
And they did everything.
I said, "I'll meet you guys up there."
I took the train and went up to the new apartment.
And when I went inside, it too was empty, like me.
And I looked around, and in a short time,
the guys were coming up with all kinds of boxes,
and they were putting them in all kinds of disarray.
And I watched them.
And once again, I just couldn't do anything.
I couldn't organize.
My head was so empty and so confused.
And it seemed like in no time,
they were stacked boxes everywhere and saying,
"Goodbye, I'll see you later."
I heard the door slam.
And I said, "I need to sit,
so I can get myself together or else."
And I thought, "I've got to sing.
I need to put my clothes up,
so they're not wrinkled."
So I went over, and I grabbed one of the boxes,
and I opened it up, and I grabbed a couple of my outfits,
and I started straightened them out.
And then I got a couple of hangers,
and I opened the door and started putting them up.
And there was a bag.
"What is that bag doing here?
It's not mine."
So I grabbed the bag, and I brought it over,
"Huh, a clothes bag."
Well, I unzipped it.
(Francois laughing)
"Oh God, a wedding dress! (audience laughing)
Where did that come from?"
So I said, "All right," I took it out.
I ran to the door, and I made sure that it was locked.
(audience laughing)
And then I took my shirt off,
and I took my pants off, kicked my shoes off.
And I got that wedding dress,
and it was so beautiful and white.
And I lifted it up over my head.
I'll be damned.
It looks like it's going to fit, pulled it down,
and got it over my shoulders,
and brought it down over my chest.
And there was a zipper on this side
and a zipper on that side,
and it was tight, but it fit.
I'm in it.
And I stood there, and I looked at myself,
and I was,
(Francois humming "Bridal Chorus")
Oh, man!
I was feeling good.
I didn't feel bad like they said I would.
"Oh, I'm going to fix me a drink."
I walked.
I went over and got the box that had the vodka
and the dishes and the groceries.
And I got the vodka, poured myself a heavy one.
And I turned that girl up.
(audience laughing)
(lips smacking)
And I set that down.
And I said, "I'll turn the TV on over there
and hooked that up."
Then I found me a chair, and I sat down.
(Francois humming "Bridal Chorus")
Ah, for the first time I said,
"I feel like myself,"
and I quietly went to sleep.
(audience laughing)