so what I think people might get the idea is okay if I'm in a relationship
with my wife and yeah she gives serves me dry chicken again yeah right which is
a common theme in my house but actually thanks to the internet it's actually
changed now cuz she's gotten thousands of people that have now sent her how to
keep the chicken moist so she does a great job but for for um you know we're
talking about two decades of my life we're talking about dry chicken this is
a problem it is so well you know what I did I didn't say anything because I did
drink more water yeah more water at dinner yeah I I fear that sometimes
people say well you know what I'm gonna do is I'm just gonna run around and I'm
gonna tell the truth to everyone all the time on these little things that don't
matter now my my actual best example that have ever heard of this we we had a
guy on the podcast named Charlie plum he was a pilot in Vietnam he was shot down
in and on his last mission of his deployment he was shot down he was
captured he was in the Hanoi Hilton for six years this is the deal that they had
amongst their roommates so they had roommates in a room smaller than we're
in right now and they're before of them in there are three of them in there two
from there depending on what's going on if you did something that annoyed me if
Jordan does something that annoys me we gotta live together if you do something
that annoys me it's my fault mmm-hmm it's my fault for allowing you
click click click your nails together or you pick your nose a lot or you itch
your head whatever it is that you do that bothers me it's my problem and I
have to absorb it because otherwise what we have is we have like rats in a cage
that are gonna gnaw each other apart and I thought about that while I was reading
the part of the book that was saying like and you actually also later in the
book talk about hey you know are you gonna get a fight over this little
stupid thing are you gonna absorb and I talk about that a lot as a leader yeah
as a person in a relationship hey there's problems from your boss you
absorb them that you don't pass them down to your people you know you you
want us to stay work and or stay late and do a bunch of crazy stuff that we
don't think we should be doing cool my guys are gonna go home I'm gonna absorb
that I'll get it done myself I'm not gonna I'm gonna be problems now are
there some tertiary effects of course or secondary effects
my boss thinks he can get away with that and all those things but I just think
there's we have to be careful that we're not just throwing Oh deaf ears of truth
in people so you know well I think those are black truths they're the opposite of
white lies right so black truths are truths you use to hurt other people with
right and so technically in the moment the statement is factual but the context
belies it right whereas a white lie it's like well it's a little lie but you're
trying to support a larger truth not that white white lies aren't optimal you
know it's better not to lie but sometimes the best you can manage is a
white lie and then make sure that's a pretty good well okay so then in those
sorts of situations you think well first of all I have some rules of thumb if
someone does something at work that annoys you
it's like write it off man it's like that's once it's like what does that
mean you're having a bad you're having a bad day or I'm having a bad day it's
like doesn't mean anything do it twice think it's okay
let's write that off rake that off it's that's it's the same issue it could
still just be circumstances situation three times okay now there might be
grounds for a conversation you go and say well you know you put your feet up
on my desk like a day ago and that was okay but then you did it again and then
like you did it again and I'm thinking it actually happened three times right
so there's no denying it and perhaps that's not optimal and then you go for
the smallest possible victory that's the next thing is like I'm not telling you
that you're what would you say that you lack respect or that there's something
wrong with you what I'm asking is that if you come in my office it would be
better for both of us if your feet stayed on the floor is that okay you
know and and that's a small thing you're not going after the person's character
right you're going after the tiny victory so you say to your wife look
like I'm thrilled to death that you're cooking me dinner I'm really I'm serious
because and it could be a hell of a lot worse than it is you know and and maybe
I could be more helpful around the kitchen that's certainly a possibility
but I have got this thing with regards to chicken and Mae
it's me you know but could we try for like a month to cook it differently and
then we'll revisit it and if I happen to be wrong like I'll shut the hell up and
she might think okay well he is kind of useless around the kitchen and sort of
bitchy about the chicken and all of that but maybe I trust him enough to admit
that I made a small mistake and rectify it and we could go long and not have the
damn chicken thing hanging over our heads till we're 80
you know you just in your second example there you I tell people this all the
time so you cut you're coming into my office and you're putting your feet
that's what I'll generally do is make it my fault
I generally say hey Jordan I hate to be like a nitpicker
yeah but I'm really freaked out about germs it's really stupid but I am and
when you come and put your feet on my desk it freaks me out
can you just do me a favor and not put your foot in you just ain't come here
it's same thing with you know with the chicken it's like hey you know what I
have a super sensitive palate refined and I yes super refined sorry second but
and I just yeah could we maybe figure out another way to cook that or okay we
try you know but I'll take the blame for for the situation rather than your
you're disrespectful oh don't put your feet on my desk this is well you don't
want to adopt more of a position of moral superiority than is absolutely
necessary