[Justin Briner - Cloud] Self defense!
Oh shit.
[Chris Zito - Wedge] Jesse...
(Laughter)
F***!
You know I fell asleep right in front of the compu--
F***, I can't even see the words!
Okay...
[Justin Briner - Cloud] You sure you need to blow this place up?
Why not let it crumble like it seems--
Like-- Uh-- Sorry.
Knew that would--
Wait, uhhhhh--
[Christ Zito - Wedge] F****** (Unintelligible syllables)
Oh my God! Stretch! F***!
(Weird grunt)
Okay...
Yeah that-- that worked.
[Justin Briner - Cloud] That's the- That's what we call the Briner Special.
(Justin chuckles)
[Chris Zito - Wedge] Punch-- or a punch in the face-- oh, and a punch in the face.
Sorry, New York mannerisms. F--
-a punch in the face-- or a punch in the face--
OR A PUNCH IN THE F***ING **** **** **** **** **** ****
Jesse, did the dentist give you a root canal or a pun-- Oh f***ing Christ!!
[Justin Briner - Cloud] Like uh-- just any kind of gibberish or do you want more like kinda gutteral sounds or--?
(Chuckles)
Just what I've been training all my life to do!
[Chris Zito - Wedge] Jesse, did they give you-- F***ing! AUGH!
Lemme-- hold on, I gotta actually slap myself in the face to wake myself up!
-Slaps self-
Okay!!
[Chris Niosi - Biggs] New guy, for christ's sake...
Oh, guess I can't say that, I can't- I can't say Christ or Jesus. Oh, Jesus...
(Chuckles) As I do that...
[Justin Briner - Cloud] I never noticed this; Ivan has just a.. like a-a full thing of salt in this booth.
Really it's like--
I don't know! It's literally a pound of salt!
(Chuckles) Alright!
I have no idea! Hah-Hah! Hah hah!
if-if that... helps.
[ Daddy!! Bwa!
(Sneeze?)
Oh, I'm tryin'-- wait.
(Motorboats the air)
I was tryi-- I-I was trying to do like (Softer motorboating)
I saw too much I'm Chris Zito.
She-it!
Chris Zito was JonTron before JonTron.
(The most glorious sound Justin Briner will ever make, followed by laughter)
No Daddy~ He's not in--
Oh, I forgot! Pfft!!
Hah! Okay! Re-- One more time.
Pause.
HEY CLOUD! Getting along wi-gga that--
(Sarah Anne Williams derps)
Hey guys! My gun wasn't even load for the whole mission!
What a f***ing kick in the balls, huh?
(Laughs)
Hah haahhh!
Oh, pfft! Hah-hah!
(Sighs) Absolutely not.
(Coughs) Jesus...
Keep doing that!
I keep defaulting to the one expletive I can't use, what is wrong with me? Okay.
A long time - you guys pushed your morality out of the side of a busy street didn't yo--
(Stammers) I f***ed that up bad.
If I'm not mistaken, we've caught ourselves the pesky rats who have been nibbling at our-- chewing at our cheese.
'Nibbling' why did I-- why did I say nibbling?
Oh GOD! WAIT!!
That means I can voice Cell...
(Sarah channels her inner Jinx and giggles deviously)
A long time ago you guys pushed your morality out of the side-- F*** me.
Well I sort of changed it 'cause - you-you had me do the line "concerned" and I sort of just switched it around like "Yeah, I don't give two shits, let's go"
R-Rats?
Mm-mhhhmm...
That's a weird one.
Rats? Yeah! (Chuckles)
A long time ago you pa-- Okay. Uh, kill me.
I just love that "I WAS IN SOLDIER DAMMIT!!!"
Oh! Oh! Wow! Mister Bus-Driver please! Don't-bus-the-back-over-me!
(Stammers)
Can't-- (Justin Briner derps) I don't know how to talk anymore.
Even your Magic Smoke Vase, right Mom?
For the dankest of the dank!
Yes! Hah-hah-hah!
(Coughs) Jesus...
Dammit! Every time!
Why do I go to Jesus?!
Why do I default to Jesus? I hate my life!
Okay..
Nah! I'm good! I got enough aban--
(Stammers)
Are you trying to be smart with me you smartass?
Is that what's happening right now?
Are you dicking me?
Are you DICKING me?
Look at me! Are you dicking me? Do I look like someone who liked to be dicked?
Alright, I'm the one who dicks people. 'Cause I'm a dick, got it?
Alright.
His friend's a mirror!
Speaking of 'buds' I got something that's
REEEEAAALLLLYYY DAAAAAAAANK~!
And who is your friend?
She's quite lovel-- (Clears her throat)
Hey uh-- Hey uh-- Hey bud! Why don't you shut the f*** up and mind your own god-damn business?
It's such a-- It's a such a-- Ohh, it's so mocking, I love it!
Hi Mister Reno! Do you like building forts?
♪Do you wanna build a for-ort~!♫
Are you trying to be smart with me you smartass?
Are you doing this right now? Right here? Right this second? Cause I swear to God... I'm I--
Oh God, I'm so mad at you-hu-hu! And I can't hit you cause you work for the same company I do!
ARGH! This is annoying!
You should quit!
He says his fellow Turk blank-hole bosses never give him a day off and he should get off-- Oh whoops.
I was meditating in my crystal garden, and they kicked the door d-- (Clears her throat)
Was it Father Pucci? He a weird buff dude from the church!
I'm sorry.
So what you're suggesting... is that not only would I be rescuing her... but I'd also be better looking-- sorry.
Bah! Guiseppe spit-on-a-those-a!
Guiseppe make a dress-a you--
(Derps)
Okay! No-no uh-- Oh, sorry. Went right over you.
Oh-hoh-hoh! Yeah her!
(Laughs)
(Incoherent syllables) F***ing--
Ugh!
I felt dirty doing it.
(Justin Briner 'whats' in different tones)
Eh?
Huh?
Huh?!
Oh, yeah - her, she's got a mouth! Ya know what I'm sayin'?
F***! Hold on...
Aw, yeah her! She's got a mouth, ya know what I'm sayin'?
F***! I'm f***ing it up, I know I'm f***ing it up.
Oh hoh! Yeah! Her!
She's got a mouth on her, ya know what I'm sayin'!
F***. I f***ed it up and went LeLouch there.
Oh, yeah! Her!
She's got a mouth! Ya know what I'm sayin'?
Oh f*** I did do that right! UGGHH!
I-I have this fucking tendency where I'm reading a line and I'm like 'no, I didn't say all of it' and I'll just stop mid-way... and f*** I knew there was-- I knew that was a good one too! F***!
Nope! But there's gonna be a lotta plowin', ya know what I mean!
(Derpy laugh)
Woah, what the f***?
I am sorry about that laugh. I'll do it again.
Nope! But there's gonna be a lotta plowin' ya know what I mean?!
(Laughs)
What the f*** just happened?!
Dude...
Dude, I don't know what the hell like was going on, but-
(Stammers)
I-I-I think I was like trying to choke up spit while I was saying a line - I felt it going back and forth and I f-- I dunno it just came out roboty.
Don't f--nucking use that take, I am sorry. I will--
(Laughs embarrassingly)
No-hope! But there's gonna be a lotta plowin' ya know what I mean?!
(Laughs like a hammy cartoon villain)
What the f*** is wrong with my laugh right now?
Nope, but there's gonna be a lotta plowin' ya know what I mean?
(Laughs like another hammy villain)
Ah f***! I didn't even put the pause there.
No-hope--!
Hah hah...
Hah hah... HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
Hah-ha--
No, but there's gonna be a lotta plowin' ya know what I mean?
(Super-Derpy) HEHHEH!
F***!!
But there's gonna be a lotta plowin' ya know what I mean?
(Half-baked, really-trying but painfully delivered laugh)
IT FEELS FORCED!! F***!!
But there's gonna be a lotta plowin' ya know what I mean?
(Laugh status: Semi-Normal)
(Laugh status: Going ham)
(Laugh status: Straitjacket required)
(Laugh status: Full potato)
Oh, this is Don Cornelio's-- F***, the names are gonna f*** with me. Haha! I told ya! I told ya!
Oh-ho this is Don Corneo's--
F***.
No! That was right! F***!
Yeah, sure you do. And I'm MegaMilk.
Yeah, we gotta g-- Oh, sorry, I hit the mic.. uh--
Shinra is going to destroy AVALANCHE by dropping Sector S--
Pardon me, lemme start over.
Wai-wai-wai-wait! Back up! Back up! No-no-no-no-no, back up!
HAH HAH HAH HAH!
I need you to unpack this for me-he-he-he!
So I literally just read; Cloud is standing in front of like, thirty almost-naked dudes...
Aheh-heh-heh-heh!
I don't remember that being in the ga-ha-ha-hame!
(Press Ctrl + 4 whilst playing Jinx for a perfect reincarnation of Tifa laughing her ass off here)
Oh my God, I'm gonna pee!
(Sarah trying to catch her breath)
Oh shit, I wasn't recording that.
Really? Because being trapped behind Don Cornella's Chocobo "Bag-Wagon" showed otherwise.
"Bag-Wagon" The old Bag-Wagon.
Oh, well this'll "moit'en" you--
Apparently Don Corne--
What is his name? Corne-- Corneo. Wow it's been a while.
WHEEEEEEEEEE!!
(Chuckles)
Really? Because being trapped behind Don Cornella's Chocobo Bang-Wagon doesn't se--
(Justin derping again) I don't know how to read anymore.
I'm gonna go to my hot-spring.
I feel like I can do a much more interesting laugh with this character, hold on.
They contain antioxidants and lower--
(Another Sarah Anne Williams derp)
That... heh-heh... PIPING HOT-- Ah, sorry, I missed some words.
WHAAAAAAAAAT?
Well I didn't see that one! (Chuckles)
Ohhhh, holy shit Tifa. I hate you. I hate you so much.
Absolutes.
Abso-- mlah-- myum-myum-myum.
I need to open my mouth more.
People from the South open their mouths more when they talk.
Reeve, you call the city an 'omelette' but I believe I've heard it described as a rotting pizza.
My lower quadrant of my penis...
Now why don't you two do me a solid; STOP FLIRTING FOR A MINUTE AND COME WITH ME TO DEST--
(Sarah Williams derps yet again)
Tifa, you're the worst person I've ever seen in my life.
Our PR will take a noticable hit.
If--
Should there be an 'and' there?
They're sort of connected.
And much like them, if this "AVALANCHE" group--
Wait-- This-- If this--
Pardon me, I'll go from the middle of the line.
URRRRGH!!
Ohhhgh!! Right in the left nut!
Oh!!
Oh gee! Oh! God--! Oh, God! Okay... Ohh no!
My dick!
Hohhhhh! My enormous dick! No!
And then we had to line up to be selected for the "lover" position.
The Don chose Cloud.
Cloud's fake name was "Thunderhead"
(Sarah Ann Williams corpsing again)
I was like, besides, "Who could possibly stop us?"
Why did you cut to them?
Are they- Are they the ones who can stop--?
Really? Them? Oh dammit... well..
My perfectly cylin--
Cylindrical--
F***!
F***!!!
She's been a--
(Derps and rolls his tongue around)
It's like, they never told Shinra to stop-- stop narrating.
Why-- Why-Why have we cut away from me? I was in the middle of a sentence.
My enormous dick!
Yooouuuuuuuuuu hurt it!
AAAAAHHH-- MOTHERF***-PFT!!
Aaow, bad day to wear tight--
(Gibberish) --Tight pants!
Everything is a-going--
Everything is going according to keikaku.
[Translator's note; keikaku means plan]
Ow ow haow!
Ah!
Ah!!
--'Put the ice on'
--'Put the ice on' Okay, slowly.
--'Put the ice on' Okay, slowly. Warn me.
--'Put the ice on' Okay, slowly. Warn me. On the count of three, kay?
--'Put the ice on' Okay, slowly. Warn me. One the count of three. One-- (Ice applied to Reno's dick)
--'Put the ice on' Okay, slowly. Warn me. One the count of three. One-- (Ice applied to Reno's dick) (Taka's pained opera audition)
You thought it was Shinra, but it was I: Dio.
Okaywhat'sgoingon--? Right.
And all we have to do is climb seventy flights of stairs!
And we're in-- Sorry, I messed that delivery up.
Then, take one billion gil - which is what-- Uh-- which is what you do when you f*** up the line and then you spend it!
It's f***ing great! Look, I'm--
(Laughs)
Upon our enemies-- Mmhh-- I need to take a bigger breath before that line, one moment.
I was!
I was looking out my-- Mh, sorry.
Bumped my uh.. stand.
You know that's not how ah-doption works, right?
Yeah, sorry, I said adoption weird.
(Chuckles innocently)
I can't-- We've never had to do this many stairs!
(Stammers) I love black holes! I go to the-- I go into the black holes and I come back out again it's like I'm a new man, it's like you wouldn't believe!
I'm getting a little Jewish- (Gibberish) - but it's okay!
Heidegger gets it!
(President Shinra laughing)
I was looking out of my window as well!
I thought it was hilarious.
I would have preferred to end this meeting by finally going over the sp-- (Stammers and babbles)
So wait, do they go back down?
(Laughing) Oh shit!
Who told you? I did? 'Cause I told you! That's right!
And then! You take one bil-- I take one billion gil! Anyone takes one billion-- Okay, heh-heh I overdid that a little!
Can you imagine how productive Shinra would be if we were all as excited about energy production as Palmer is about going to space?
What? What?! Nonono! Hojo! Hojo! You need to ex-spain!
Ex-Spain?
You should all--
You should--
I would love it if all of you were more like Palmer.
Though not entirely like Palmer.
That would be excessive.
Wait, what?! No! No! No!!!
Hojo! You need to get back here right now and explain how you spent five billion gil TEACHING AN ANIMAL HOW TO TALK!
Am I talking to myself?!
Gotta go fast!
That's no good!
What kind of exper-- Oh, sorry.
(Laughs) Go ahead!
Including...
RECORDING DEVICEEEEES~?
(Hojo - Edwyn slurping the air lasciviously)
Bypassing all security. Including my lovely niece at the front desk.
Lovely, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
That's a Foghorn Leghorn quote.
Those sneaky Shinras!
Also, Hojo has gone.
Is gone. What he is?!
This is the SECOND SEX DUNGEON I'VE BEEN TO WITHIN 24 HOURS!!
Aw, can we keep him?! Can we-- (Rapid pleading)
Ff-- I keep... f***ing like... I can't say it. Okay!
(Justin singing) Yeah we did! I saved Aerith!
Everyone else sucks dick~
WILL be dead. Hrm-hrm-hrm-hrm!
Sorry, I just realized how that line was going.
Thank you, God!
(Laughing while trying to speak) By the way, what are your names?
This the SECOND SEX DUNGEON I'VE BEEN WITH-- been in--
Ugh... can we just get out of here please? The floor is sticky and I don't wanna know why.
Lemme do that again, I tripped on it.
The new president of Shinra, Rufus Shinra attempted to stop AVALANCHE's assassination.
The-- I kinda did a -bleh-bleh-bleh.
Thanks Tom! As you can see the blonde member of AVALANCHE is attacking the police with a giant sword!
It's almost impract--
You have been quiet for quite some time... ... time tall square one!
Ah! We've just received-- Egh--
Hublblblblblah!
It seems to be a three-wheeled truck!
And I don't want to scare you folks at home out there, but there's also...
I keep... (Blubbering his lips with his finger)
I'm hungry, so who's gonna feed me?
Ah! We've just received news that AV-- (Derps)
We've just received-- (Stammers)
I don't want to scare you folks at home but there seems--
Blep-blep-blep-derp.
(Taka) I'm really gonna miss this place!
I've had an exceptional amount of se-hex here...
We've curr-- F***! Why do I wanna go straight to "currently"?
Oh! And it appears that Shinra has sent the Motorball!
"Sent in the Motorball"
I'm really gonna miss this place.
I had an exceptional amount of se--
We've currently received news that AVALANCHE-- F***!
Why?!
The shit! The Motorball!
I'm really gonna miss this place.
I've had an exceptional--
(Takahata.exe has encountered a problem and needs to recompose itself)
We take you now live to our eye in the sky in channel 7's "Far-rah"
In-the-channel-seven-chopper-as-the-story-develops
Ohhhh! Look, he's got shit in the Motorball!
I know I love that when I get shit in my Motorball.
But I'm gonna miss this place!
I had an exceptional amount of sex-- DAMMIT!!
(Taka and the booth director laughing)
OR THE HOME IN WHICH--!!
Oh that-- tch-- That was f***ing lo-o-o-oud!
I am really gonna miss this place.
I had an exceptional amount of sex here!
(Triumphantly) Did it! Yes!
[Booth director] "I've had."
[Taka] (In disbelief) NO!!!
Thank God it's not Final Fantasy 9 or you'd be getting infinite notes about Zidane's name.
ZHER-DAWN! We've got to go to the thing!
I'm going to miss this place! I had an exceptional amount of sex here.
That was not good grammar, but I am dog.
Oh, you palm tree with hair!!
You know? You just got so much. I just-- I just wanna like, grab a hold and like--
I've had an exceptional amount of sex here.
F*** you!
F*** you! F*** you!
F*** you! ♪F*** everyone around the town!♫
Hey! You guys try ev--
Oh, is she pissed?
To each their own! I'm not a judgmental persoooooon-- OH GOD! FLY THE GODDAMN COPTER RIGHT!!
Sorry.