- We'll do some 9/11 jokes,
and then we'll get the fuck out of here.
How's that sound?
[laughs]
It's hard to transition into anything.
I don't have--I don't know if you've noticed anything
about my comedy, but there's-- there's not many transitions.
It's very, like, "Dick, fuck, Dad."
Like, it's, like, very straightforward,
easy-listening comedy.
Like, it's not the Kendrick Lamar--
I'm very French Montana of comedy.
Like, every show, I feel like I should just be like, "Huh!"
And you'll be like, "Aha!
I get it."
So, yeah, my dad, if you don't know,
he was a fireman.
He died 9/11.
He was a very good dude.
And I have a lot of jokes about it,
and if you don't like the first one,
you probably won't like the rest.
What's cool about your dad dying on 9/11...
[laughter]
is I get all of his fireman gear.
So whenever I smoke weed in New York City,
I wear it.
You know?
Yeah, so now people just think I'm a shitty fireman.
But I'll be so high, I'll forget.
Like, people will come up to me and be like,
"You're a fucking disgrace!"
And I'll be like,
I'll be like, "Oh, shit, I'm a lieutenant.
"I forgot. I'm very sorry.
Have a good day, ma'am!"
I didn't really care when my dad died.
It didn't bother me very much, because I was seven.
You don't understand things when you're seven, you know?
If it happened now, I'd be in a world of trouble,
but I'm actually-- it's weird to say this.
I'm lucky it happened when I was seven.
I know that sounds weird, but it's the real thing.
Like, I remember my dad died, and my mom was like,
"Your dad's dead, but we got you a PlayStation 2."
And I was like, "Yeah, cool."
I was like, "That seems about even.
It's pretty fair."
No, I'm serious. I really didn't care.
I was like, "I'm gonna push my mom down the stairs
and get a PS3."
I was fucking ridiculous.
It's my new life of murder and toys.
What's weird is, my grandma on my mom's side, my mom's mom,
she's--her birthday's on 9/11,
and she never liked my dad.
crowd: Oh!
- Kind of fishy, isn't it?
[laughter]
I always wanted to ask her.
I always wanted to be like, "Hey, Grandma,
"on the low,
did you make any wishes?"
I want to get a tattoo.
I want to get my dad's initials.
It's a very, like, Italian, Staten Island thing to do.
I feel like Italian people are almost, like, waiting
for someone in their family to die
so they can go get a tattoo.
I'm serious.
You ever been to, like, an Italian funeral or wake
and the son of whoever died
has, like, the prayer card going down their side?
You know, like, how the fuck did you do that already?
And it's, like, healed.
I, um--
I want to get my dad's initials, you know.
I want to get it tattooed on me.
I feel like it would be very cool.
But I found out recently I can't.
I don't know why I never noticed it.
I guess I just never pay attention,
but my dad's initials are SMD.
Yeah.
That's why we named the special "SMD,"
but SMD also has other meanings,
like, for instance, "suck my dick."
That's the more popular meaning,
believe it or not.
So my friends are like, "You can't get that tattoo,
because people will think you're an asshole."
You know?
And I agree.
I'm like, "You're right. I shouldn't."
But then I thought about it.
I was like, "I should."
I was like, "I could only win."
I was like, "If someone has the balls to bring it up to me,
oh, I would win, like, so fast."
Like, I will never lose. It's so dope.
Think about that.
I'll have it on my neck.
Fucking having a good time.
Girls come up to me,
and they're like, "You're a fucking pig."
All I got to do is be like: [whimpers]
"Actually, it's my dead dad's initials."
And then they'll feel so bad,
they'll probably suck my dick.
Hey, guys, you've been amazing.
Thank you.
Thank you for coming out.
Thank you very much.
[cheers and applause]