-I'm so happy. I'm so happy to be in New York. This is great.
Just like Jimmy, just like you, I'm a dad.
My son just turned 14. [ Cheering ]
Which...
which means I've got about 20 more years before he moves out.
[ Laughter ] He's not going anywhere.
I got a nice pool.
And he takes after me. He's just like his dad.
When I was 14, same thing.
Well, he's going to summer school.
He's going to summer school
because he got a 1.8 in the eighth grade.
It's like... but here's the sad part --
I threw him a party. [ Laughter ]
Because when I graduated the eighth grade, it was a 1.7.
I was like, "Dang, you are smart!"
[ Applause ]
When he became a teenager,
it's like we stopped hanging out.
We don't hang out like we used to.
It kind of sucks. It sucks.
When he was like 12, we used to hang out all the time.
We used to go to the mall together,
go to Foot Locker, buy matching Jordans,
walk out like a Puffy video like, "Ah!"
and on and on.
Now we go to the mall and my son just pulls up
and he's like, "Dad, can you pick me up in three hours?"
And I just look at my son, I go, "I don't have anywhere to go."
[ Laughter ]
"What do you want me to do?
Do you want me to drive around like --
What am I, Uber? Why?"
His new friend is Gus.
Like, that's who he hangs out with all the time.
Like we're not friends.
He'll go to the movies and then he'll come home at like 10:00
and then go right to his room.
And then I'm like,
"You don't even want to talk about the movie?"
And then I'll follow him to his room like a jealous girlfriend
like, "Did you really go out with Gus?
Like, who are you with?
Oh, you don't want to talk about it?
Oh, you going to close the door? Wow!
Wow!
I'll wait out here. Wow."
And he's not even sleeping.
He's Facetiming Gus.
Because I got my ear pressed up against the door.
I'm like, "I hear you."
And I open the door.
And I said something I shouldn't have said.
Like, it would have been cool to say it when he was like 5.
But, like, he's 14.
And it was the wrong thing to say.
I just opened up the door
and go, "Hey, um, I'm baking cookies."
[ Laughter ]
And my son goes, "Huh?"
And then I go, "I put milk in the freezer
because I know you like freezing cold milk with your cookies."
And then I hear Gus on the phone go, "Is that your dad?"
And my son goes, "Yeah, look,"
and he turned the phone!
And they both start laughing at me.
[ Laughs mockingly ]
So I started crying.
And I go, "You know what? I'm eating all the cookies!"
[ Applause ] He's a jerk.
Don't applaud him. He's a jerk.
I'm going to take his phone away.
I pay the phone. I'm taking the phone away.
Because when I take my son's phone away,
it's like ripping his heart out of his chest.
My son physically breaks down when I take his phone.
I'm like, "Give me your phone!" He's like, "Oh!
What am I supposed to do now, Dad?"
I don't know what it is when they turn 14.
Like this is a great -- I'm on the "Tonight Show"
and I can't wait to go back home and see my son,
but I guarantee when I get home,
he's going to be sitting in front of the TV
with his boxers on and an Xbox headset
and going to look at me and go, "Did you get milk?"
[ Laughter ]
"Dad, did you get milk?
Dad. Hold on you guys.
Dad, did you get milk?"
I love you guys. Thank you so much.