Before I was a comedian, I was out of work a lot.
Friend of-- What's the worst thing about being out of work?
What do you think?
No money? Very reasonable answer.
That's not it.
It's not no money. It's not poverty.
It's not homelessness.
It is the unsolicited advice
you get from your friends.
I was out of work one week. Leave me alone.
One of my DJ friends...
my personal trainer/DJ friends
comes up to me and he goes like this.
He goes, "Yo, bro, it's pretty fuckin' simple.
You gotta see yourself as the world sees you,
and that's the job you do."
I was like, "Okay, that may be true,
but you can't just be a retired detective."
I can't just walk around New York City
with a cup of coffee being racist.
There has to be schooling.
I am so happy to not be in New York.
It's too fucking expensive.
You gotta be evil.
That's how much money it costs.
You gotta be evil.
That's the only fucking way
to live in New York City.
It's so bad, nobody will even admit
what they do for a living,
because they all pay eight grand a month for a loft,
so whatever they do is fucking evil.
But none-- If you ask somebody what they do for a living,
you get the same response.
You're like, "What do you do for a living?"
He's a guy in a suit. He's like, "Ha, ha, ha!"
( muttering )
"It's an experimental... you know.
It's a multiplatform...
( laughs )
When JP Morgan forecloses on a house, I burn it down.
Come on! You know!"
"I'm a designer." "What do you design?"
"I don't wanna brag, you know?
The uniforms at Guantánamo Bay.
I love orange!"
I don't-- Listen, here's the deal.
Who's under 30?
( scattered cheers )
Well, now, I feel weird about this job.
I feel-- I had no idea.
Let me tell you this.
I get angry at millennials.
I do. And not-- not the old--
- ( scattered applause ) - Thank you. Thank--
Thank you, the four old people here.
Just three elderly people in the back
who work security for this theater.
God bless you. Fuck these kids.
No, here's the deal.
If you're under 23, you have a fake job.
That's-- Listen.
Unless you're in the military or a nurse,
and you're not,
if you're under 23, you have a fake job.
But the problem is, if you ask a millennial
about their fake job,
they are so confident,
that you feel like a piece of shit.
You're like, "What do you do for a living?"
They're like, "Actually, I'm an Instagram filter."
"Excuse me?" "Yeah, I'm Valencia."
"Oh, I had no idea."
I had a real job when I was a millennial, okay?
I didn't do any of this bullshit,
like manage the Instagram account of a tweet,
or whatever the hell you do.
Okay? I had a real job. I sold subprime mortgages.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. I sold mansions to janitors.
They loved it, for six to eight months.
And then I had to stop doing that
because I was growing as a person
and the FBI and all this shit.
And-- I was evolving.
And I moved from Long Island to New York City
and I had to get another sales job,
and this is have soft New York City is.
I don't want it to happen to New Orleans.
I see it happening, by the way. I don't want it to happen.
This is how soft New York is.
The only thing that I could interview to sell
was organic baby food.
But the problem was I brought all of the aggression
from the mortgage world into that interview.
It was just an old hipster.
He's like, "Hey, welcome to Happy Baby."
I was like, "I will do whatever the fuck needs to be done."
He's like, "Whoa! We're just really proud
of the ingredients we put in the jars."
I'm like, "I don't give a fuck what goes in those jars!
I work for you!"
He was like, "Well, this is just going to the food co-op
and talking to parents."
I'm like, "Well, I won't talk to the Feds.
Put me in this radish pudding game now!"
They called the cops, but fuck 'em!
If they don't wanna make money...