WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
IT IS FRIDAY, AS I SAID BEFORE.
QUICK QUESTION, JUST TO START IT OFF-- ANYBODY HERE LIVE IN
AMERICA?
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NICE, A LOCAL CROWD!
SO YOU'RE GOING TO WANT TO HEAR THIS.
THERE'S A NEW TWIST IN THE TRUMP TRAVEL BAN SAGA.
AS YOU KNOW, A FEW WEEKS AGO, TRUMP TRIED A SECOND TIME TO BAN
PEOPLE FROM CERTAIN MUSLIM- MAJORITY COUNTRIES.
THEN A JUDGE STEPPED IN AND PUT IT TOW A HALT CITINGAN OBSCURE
LAW CALLED "THE CONSTITUTION."
WELL, THE STAY ON THE TRAVEL BAN WAS ORIGINALLY ONLY SUPPOSED TO
BE TEMPORARY, BUT NOW THE JUDGE IN HAWAII JUST EXTENDED HIS
ORDER BLOCKING TRUMP'S TRAVEL BAN.
SO IT'S TIME FOR TRUMP TO SAY "ALOHA" TO HIS TRAVEL BAN AND
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND "ALOHA" TO REFUGEES.
THIS IS THE DEAL-- THE STATE OF HAWAII ARGUED THAT,
EVEN THOUGH THE TRAVEL BAN HAD BEEN REVISED, IT STILL VIOLATED
THE FIRST AMENDMENT BECAUSE IT WAS LIKE A "NEON SIGN FLASHING
'MUSLIM BAN, MUSLIM BAN.'" WHICH, COINCIDENTALLY, IS WHAT
TRUMP WANTS TO PUT ON THE STATUE OF LIBERTY.
QUITE LOUD.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT WOULD REALLY UPSET PEOPLE
IN NEW JERSEY, I THINK.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO HAWAII, EVEN THOUGH
THE WHITE HOUSE DROPPED ALL REFERENCES TO RELIGION IN
THE NEW ORDER, IT'S STILL UNCONSTITUTIONAL BECAUSE THEY
SAY IT'S JUST A WATERED DOWN VERSION OF THE FIRST ONE.
AND THEY CITED THIS SURPRISE WITNESS.
>> THIS IS A WATERED DOWN VERSION OF THE FIRST ONE.
THIS IS A WATERED DOWN VERSION.
>> Stephen: CURSES!
CURSES!
I FOILED ME AGAIN.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE JUDGE SAID IT WAS FAIR
TO CONSIDER TRUMP'S PUBLIC STATEMENTS, WRITING, "THE COURT
WILL NOT CRAWL INTO A CORNER, PULL THE SHUTTERS CLOSED, AND
PRETEND IT HAS NOT SEEN WHAT IT HAS."
DAMN!
THAT'S NOT JUST A LEGAL OPINION.
THAT'S A BEYONCE LYRIC!
( LAUGHTER ) NO.
NO.
>> Jon: UH-HUH, UH-HUH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S MY BEYONCE IMPRESSION, IN CASE YOU'RE
WONDERING.
NO.
>> Jon: NO?
>> Stephen: SPEAKING OF PRESIDENTS, PRESIDENTS.
COMMANDER IN CHIEF.
YOU KNOW GEORGE W. BUSH?
YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT GUY?
ABOUT YEA TALL, TEXAS ACCENT, MADE THE WORST FOREIGN POLICY
DECISIONS IN AMERICAN HISTORY.
WELL, GEORGE W. BUSH ATTENDED TRUMP'S INAUGURATION IN JANUARY,
WHICH YOU ALSO MIGHT REMEMBER FROM THIS PICTURE RIGHT HERE.
ACTUALLY, HE ALMOST GOT KICKED OUT, BECAUSE TRUMP THOUGHT HE
WAS A MUSLIM.
( LAUGHTER ) HE WASN'T SURE WHAT THIS WAS.
APPARENTLY, BUSH WAS JUST AS BEWILDERED AS THE REST OF US,
BECAUSE IT CAME OUT THAT AS HE WAS LEAVING THE INAUGURATION,
PRESIDENT BUSH SAID, "THAT WAS SOME WEIRD (BLEEP)."
"THAT WAS SOME WEIRD (BLEEP).
(BLEEP).
AND THAT IS FROM A MAN WHO MADE THIS PHRASE FAMOUS.
>> HUMAN ANIMAL HYBRIDS?
>> Stephen: OH, WE LAUGHED AT HIM THEN, AND JUST NOW AGAIN.
BUT THE NUMBER ONE MOVIE IN AMERICA IS "BEAUTY
AND THE BEAST."
THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE SOME BEAUTIFUL BEAST BABIES.
NOW, REMEMBER, BUSH CALLED KARL ROVE "TURD BLOSSOM."
SO IT IS POSSIBLE THAT WEIRD (BLEEP) MIGHT BE HIS NICKNAME
FOR DONALD TRUMP.
WE DON'T KNOW.
HEY YOU'RE (BLEEP).
(BLEEP).
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE A FORMER PRESIDENT WOULD SAY THAT OF AN
INCOMING ONE, BUT THE COMMENT WAS WITNESSED BY THREE PEOPLE.
THREE PEOPLE.
WOW, THAT'S ALMOST HALF OF TRUMP'S INAUGURAL CROWD.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: OH!
>> Stephen: I SAW THE PICTURES.
YOU SEE THE PICTURES.
WE SAW THEM.
WE SAW THE PICTURES.
ENOUGH POLITICS.
LET'S THINK OF SOMETHING HAPPY.
LET'S CRACK OPEN THE SMILE FILE THE GRIN BIN, THE CHUCKLE
CABINET, AND GET SOME LIGHT NEWS.
READY FOR SOME LIGHT NEWS?
"THE WASHINGTON POST" REPORTED THAT "SPIDERS COULD
THEORETICALLY EAT EVERY HUMAN ON EARTH IN ONE YEAR"
SO IF TRUMP ISN'T IMPEACHED, AT LEAST WE HAVE A BACK-UP PLAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS IS EYE DON'T LIKE SPIDERS.
I'M NOT A BIG-- THIS IS UPSETTING NEWS.
MOSTLY BECAUSE IT GAVE NEWSPAPERS A REASON TO PRINT
CLOSEUP PICTURES OF SPIDERS.
IT'S THE SAME REASON I DON'T LIKE HEADLINES ABOUT STEVE
BANNON.
NOW, IT TURNS OUT-- I THINK STEVE BANNON COULD EAT HALF OF
HUMANITY.
NOW, IT TURNS OUT, RESEARCHERS DID THE MATH AND FOUND THAT THE
WORLD'S SPIDERS CONSUME SOMEWHERE BETWEEN 400 MILLION
AND 800 MILLION TONS OF PREY IN ANY GIVEN YEAR, WHICH IS AT
LEAST AS MUCH MEAT AS ALL SEVEN BILLION HUMANS ON THE PLANET
COMBINED.
I GOTTA SAY, I AM NOT THRILLED THAT SCIENTISTS ARE MEASURING
HUMANITY IN MEAT NOW.
WHEN DID THAT START?
WHEN-- WHEN-- REALLY WELL MARBLED!
BUT IT EXPLAINS THE TAGLINE OF THE NEW SPIDER-MAN MOVIE, "WITH
GREAT POWER COMES GOOD EATIN'!"