“I’d rather be here with you right now than to not be here with you right now”
is what we want to feel when we’re with someone.
And as someone who’s quite introverted and loves her alone-time, it doesn’t happen
too often.
But it definitely does happen.
I’ve given this quite a bit of thought - namely, what is it that, for me personally, at this
very stage of my life, makes someone interesting and fun to be with?
Chemistry
I think part of it is this intangible thing we like to call chemistry.
The interaction feels natural and effortless, and you may not quite understand why.
I think back on some of the experiences that I’ve had.
Like the time I was in a shared uber with someone, and for the entirety of the ride
which lasted about fifteen minutes, we talked and laughed like we’d known each other for
years, yet, we’d just met.
It was almost unsettling how well it flowed.
I remember getting out of the uber, feeling confused thinking: what just happened?
Now, obviously, that level of chemistry or whatever we’d like to call it isn’t to
be expected or required to form a friendship.
Actually, I think more often than not, that feeling of being in sync with someone builds
overtime with people.
But I think we can also tell when it’s just not going to happen with someone.
Trust I don’t think any kind of genuine friendship
is possible unless there’s trust.
I also don’t believe that we can trust someone a little bit; you either trust someone or
you don't - there's no in-between.
Now this is what I find to be very interesting to think about.
What is trust?
What does it feel like?
In the past, when I’d express my trust in someone, I’d tell them something along the
lines of “I know you’d never betray me”.
But actually, that’s not true at all.
For me, trust isn’t about knowing for sure that something is or isn’t going to happen,
because we simply can’t know.
Everyone we interact with, every person we have in our lives, are fully capable of hurting
us, just like we’re capable of hurting them.
So trust then, is faith, rather than truth.
It’s choosing to believe, despite never knowing for certain.
It’s taking a leap of faith, over and over again.
It’s a choice you make every day.
It’s two people meeting in vulnerability, unsure but hoping, that the two will…
Trust, much like love, is about letting go of control.
Because there is no control.
There is only faith.
Common values > common interests
Next I’d like to talk about something that I thought I knew to be true for the longest
time, but that I’ve started viewing differently.
I used to subscribe to the theory that you need to have a lot of common interests in
order to have a friendship with someone.
And sure, having an overlap is probably necessary in establishing a common ground; something
to then build a relationship on.
But more importantly than interests, I think it’s the values and principles in life that
need to overlap.
For example, us both being curious and open to new experiences, is more important than
us both liking photography or the same sport.
Like, let’s say I’m a big foodie and my friend is not, but she or he enjoys trying
new things and will happily try a variety of cuisines… that, I believe, is more important
than just the two of us being foodies, you know?
I think what’s actually important is the ability and willingness to pay attention,
ask questions and show genuine curiosity in the other person's interests.
To want to learn and get involved.
Basically, it’s about how you TREAT each other's hobbies.
And partly because interests can change and often do, as we go through different chapters
in life, while values don’t tend to change too much.
Also, in a friendship, I appreciate when the THING we’re doing isn’t as important as
how it FEELS when we’re doing whatever.
Like, the people I feel the most like myself with, aren’t the people I need to do activities
with, it’s the people I can do absolutely nothing with and still feel at ease.
With that being said, I do love it when friends recommend books to me.
Seriously, it’s like a love language of mine.
So, here’s a recommendation of mine, one that completely opened up my eyes for the
way I live my life and the way I’d like to continue to live my life.
Isn’t it crazy how a single book can do that?
(integration)
Being interested
Being “interesting” is overrated.
You don’t need to travel the world or have a PhD to be desirable
as a friend, okay.
I personally could not care less about that stuff.
Most people lead quite mundane lives and I love hearing about it.
Being INTERESTED, however…
I think most people would agree that it’s quite draining having to carry a conversation
with someone.
Like if you tell your friend “yeah I’m alright, just been feeling stressed in my
relationship lately” and their response is “awww I see” period…
It doesn’t make you feel like they listened at all to what you just said, or that they
care for that matter.
It’s not about asking ground-breaking questions.
It’s not about being someone's therapist.
But some people won’t even ask “how come?”.
Having a zest for life
Speaking of not being someone's therapist.
I used to be really good at being people's emotional dumpster.
It was like a full-time job.
I’d sit for hours and listen to people complain and spill all of their issues on me, and I’d
just take it and take it and take it, until I literally became the dumpster.
I almost lost myself in everyone else's problems.
Adult me has a zero emotional dumpster policy.
I’ll happily help friends through tough times.
I’m all ears if they feel like they need to complain about something.
But never routinely.
I’m not sacrificing my mental well-being, one that I’ve worked to maintain, one that
I’ve worked for, gone to therapy for, for someone who won’t do the same.
Everyone has problems.
We're all trying.
We're all making an effort to put ourselves out there and to be vulnerable, to let loose
and to be enjoyable to be around.
And we all want to be around people who are also making that effort.
Good vibes.
That’s honestly the best way to put it.
What makes YOU want to hang out with someone and be their friend?