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♪ >> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CAREFULLY ARRANGING THE BIGGEST
STORIES OF THE DAY ON MY MANTELPIECE, PICKING THE
TASTEFUL FLORAL ARRANGEMENTS, AND HAND-WRITING MY ORNATE
PLACEMENT CARDS, AND MEASURING SILVERWARE PLACEMENTS FOR THE
IMPERIAL GALA THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO TEXT SOME COLLEGE FRIENDS, BRING
OUT THE RED SOLO CUPS, AND THAT BOTTLE OF VODKA MY ROOMMATE LEFT
IN THE FREEZER IN 2011, AND SLAP TOGETHER THE BEER PONG TABLE OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
>> STEPHEN: QUARANTINE-WHILE, A RESTAURANT IN VIRGINIA PLANNED
SOCIAL DISTANCING FILLING TABLES WITH MID CENTURY MANNEQUINS WHO
OCCUPY THE SEATS BETWEEN THE PATRONS AND THE PATRONS OCCUPY
SEATS AT A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT THAT ISN'T FILLED WITH CREEPY
OLD DOLLS.
THE RESTAURANT'S CHEF EXPLAINED THE IDEA SAYING HE'S BEEN
WORKING WITH A LOCAL THEATER TO GET THE FAUX HUMANS COSTUMED IN
1940s, ERA GARB.
I WANTED TO POINT OUT IF THE GUY ONLY NEEDED TO BORROW THE
COSTUMES, THAT MEANS HE HAD A COLLECTION OF NAKED MANNEQUINS.
GET OUT OF THERE!
QUARANTINE WHILE, STAR COUNTY, OHIO ANNOUNCED THEY'RE HOLDING
THE NATION'S AND MAYBE HISTORY'S FIRST DRIVE-THROUGH COUNTY FAIR.
THAT'S GOING TO BE ONE MESSED UP TILTA WHIRL.
BUT TURNS OUT THE RIDES WON'T BE OPEN.
THEY'RE JUST DOING THIS FOR THE RESIDENTS SO THEY CAN GET FOOD
ON STICKS INCLUDING HOT DOGS, CORN DOGS, COTTON CANDY AND DEEP
FRIED OREOS.
GOOD FOR YOU.
THANK YOU FOR THINKING HEALTHY, OHIO!
SIT SAFELY IN YOUR CAR WHILE EAT YOU CAN DEEP FRIED OREOS!
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE LOCKDOWN IS HITTING EVERYONE HARD-- OR
ALMOST EVERYONE.
MATT DAMON'S DOING PRETTY GOOD ACCORDING TO AN INTERVIEW HE
GAVE YESTERDAY IN IRELAND WHERE HE'S STAYING:
>> IT'S RIDICULOUS.
IT FEELS A LITTLE BIT LIKE A FAIRYTALE HERE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN WE CAME IN, PEOPLE WERE SAYING, "WELL, BONO
LIVES OVER THERE, AND ENYA LIVES OVER THERE."
WE HAVE TEACHERS WITH US.
SO, WE'VE GOT WHAT NOBODY ELSE HAS, WHICH IS ACTUAL LIVE HUMAN
BEINGS TEACHING OUR KIDS.
IT'S JUST ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS.
EVEN IN THE LOCKDOWN, YOU'VE GOT TO STAY, YOU KNOW WITHIN TWO
KILOMETERS OF YOUR HOUSE.
I MEAN, TWO KILOMETERS, THERE'S TREES, AND FOREST AND WOODS AND
OCEAN.
>> Stephen: MATT -- NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT
FAMOUS PEOPLE WHO HAVE IT SO GREAT.
WE WENT OVER THE GUIDELINES AT THE RICH PEOPLE CLUB.
YOU SAY HOW LUCKY YOU ARE, GIVE A SHOUT-OUT TO THE HEALTHCARE
WORKERS, THEN ZIP IT!
DON'T TELL THEM ABOUT MERMAID HUNTING IN THE SECRET OCEAN ONLY
WE KNOW ABOUT.
OKAY, SEE YOU AT SCARJO'S MOUNTAINTOP LOBSTER-FEST.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE FILM VERSION OF THE BROADWAY SMASH
HIT "HAMILTON" WASN'T SUPPOSED TO HIT THEATERS UNTIL 2021, BUT,
DUE TO CORONAVIRUS, "IT WILL NOW PREMIERE JULY 3 ON DISNEY PLUS"
AND "DISNEY IS WORKING HARD TO MAKE THE CASE THAT THE FILM
WON'T JUST BE LIKE ONE OF THE VERSIONS OF FILMED PLAYS YOU CAN
SEE ON 'PBS GREAT PERFORMANCES.'"
DAMN, TAKE THAT, "PBS GREAT PERFORMANCES!"
THAT BURN WAS MADE POSSIBLE BY A GENEROUS GIFT FROM THE ALFRED P.
"PWN" FOUNDATION.
THE FOLKS AT DISNEY ARE PROMISING THAT HAMILTON WON'T BE
A PLAY AT ALL, BUT RATHER A "TRUE CINEMATIC EXPERIENCE."
OH, PLEASE TELL ME IT'S GONNA BE "HAMILTON 3D: 2 FAST 2
FEDERALIST!" WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JOHN
LITHGOW.
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