- You're gonna learn my top five tips
for making friends as an adult.
And maybe you can relate to the struggle I've experienced.
Making friends used to be a lot easier for me.
When I was still in school,
every semester my teachers
would assign us to group projects.
I'd meet people that way.
I'd end up seeing people in more than one class each day.
You start talking to those people,
you'd walk to the next class together,
you'd grab lunch maybe after a class,
maybe you form a study group.
And before you know it, you've made a new friend.
Every semester the whole process starts all over again
with a whole fresh batch of new faces.
Schools have sports teams
and clubs you can join.
You're surrounded by potential friends.
After school my situation totally changed.
I moved to a new town and started working full time.
I drive to work and back
and only saw the same 10 or 20 people every day.
I realized that I hadn't met a new person
in about six months.
The social connections that I was making
had a shrunk by about 90%.
In fact, I moved a couple of times like this.
And I'm outgoing, I'm an extrovert,
but it was still really hard for me to make new friends
but I set out to try.
I wasn't attempting to make 10 or 20 friends.
They say, if you have even one or two real friends,
consider yourself fortunate.
So I'll share my journey as I go through these five tips
and it's up to you to adapt these tips,
to fit your own situation.
First, bloom, where you're planted.
This means you have to commit
to making new friends where you are.
If you're moving to a new place, a new neighborhood,
a new job, you have to go all in on that new situation.
If you haven't recently moved, the advice is the same.
Make friends with the people
who are already right around you.
This is about proximity.
One of the main variables
that determines who you become friends with
is how geographically close you are.
You're more likely to become friends with people
who are already near you versus farther away.
It's much easier to meet up
and spend time with people
who are in your community
versus on the other side of the city for example.
I mentioned this tip because
when we find ourselves in a new situation,
many of us will hang onto our old life
or spend more time on social media.
So it's natural to miss old friends
and it's fine to stay in touch.
But we're talking about making new friends
and that has to happen face to face.
You have to say to yourself
and signal to others that this place is now your home.
Otherwise, you'll be holding yourself back.
You'll also be sending mixed signals
to potential new friends.
My wife and I became friends with a married couple
who was new here in town
and they were awesome.
But they were always talking about
the place that they used to live
and their desire to move back there someday.
So we became friends with them
but I wasn't too surprised to see
that they were struggling to make other friends.
They were essentially telling everybody
that they were just passing through.
People may not be as willing
to make room for you in their lives
if they sense upfront
that you're gonna leave either way.
In contrast, my wife and I also moved here from out of town
and one of the most common questions we heard was
are you going to stay here?
And we'd say, yes, that's our plan.
We came in with the attitude
that you have to bloom where you're planted
and commit to where you are.
We told ourselves
that we had to make investments in these relationships.
Proximity is the key.
Make friends with people who are already near you,
boom where you're planted.
Second, you have to put yourself out there to find friends.
You're not going to make new friends,
just sitting in your apartment,
waiting for people to knock on your door.
This is about proximity as well.
You have to put yourself physically around other people,
so you have at least the possibility to meet others.
If you already have the beginnings of a friendship,
it's important to put yourself out there
to spend time with the other people regularly.
That means you have to take the initiative to send a text,
make a call,
and make some plans to get together.
Put yourself out there.
If you're looking for brand new friends,
another way to put yourself out there
and meet new people is to accept invitations.
You'll likely be invited to get lunch or coffee
at work with a small group.
You'll see an email about somebody's retirement party
or a flyer or social media post about some event,
some kind of social element we involved in most of these,
you should accept all reasonable invitations.
Many years ago, I moved to Los Angeles
and I knew nobody.
I was pretty homesick
and I just moped around.
I even said no to a few invitations to parties at first.
I said to myself, you don't know anybody,
you're gonna feel awkward.
Well, of course you don't know anybody,
you're brand new in town.
So I changed my approach.
I said to myself,
Alex you're going to accept any reasonable invitation
for the next couple of months,
even if it sounds a little boring.
I said, "Yes",
and went to three or four different parties and cookouts.
I said yes to almost every office related social event.
I started noticing flyers, advertisements, invitations,
almost everywhere to see local bands or for art shows.
I started saying yes
and I started meeting new people
all of whom were potential friends.
The truth is I'm shocked
at how many people don't accept invitations
even when they wanna make friends.
A few years ago a guy I know,
I heard didn't really have any friends.
So a couple of my buddies and I
invited him to join us for dinner
at this awesome Texas barbecue place.
And he just flat out rejected the invitation.
He said, "No thanks, I don't really like that place."
Look, we're not gonna beg this guy to be our friend.
I honestly think one of the main reasons
people don't have friends
is they're not seeing that there are good
and reasonable invitations out there
that they could be saying yes to.
So put yourself out there
and make up your mind to accept any reasonable invitation.
Another way to put yourself out there is to join a group.
There are small groups all around you,
they're usually based upon some type of shared interest.
Maybe it's a book club
or a gaming group,
it could be any type of activity.
In addition to proximity, another key variable
that helps people become friends is common interests.
Groups are perfect for this
because people come together in the first place
for that common interest
and then friendships can grow out of that.
As I've mentioned, I've moved all over.
And I moved to Arkansas years ago, I joined a chess club
and a magician's club.
Groups are always trying to recruit new members
and they welcome everybody with open arms.
All you have to do is think about the kinds of hobbies,
interests, and activities you already like
or that you wanna learn more about
and start looking for groups
who are doing those kinds of things.
Ask around in person or look online.
And to clarify, I'm not talking about online only groups.
Many groups these days will post information online,
but they meet in person.
Like last year, I wanted to learn how to sail
and I found a local group online on Meetup.
Every Thursday, this group gave introductory lessons,
sailing lessons to new people.
And I showed up because I wanted to learn how to sail
but I've made some new friends
because of our shared interest in sailing.
Your shared interest, hobbies, activities,
instantly give you something to talk about
with these other group members.
And if you're really motivated
then start a group of your own.
I have a good friend who I got closer with
because he would host card games at his house.
He invited me over.
He said, "I'm hosting a game of Texas hold 'em at my house
in a couple of weeks.
Do you want to come?"
He was always organizing some group like this.
You don't have to wait around to be invited in other words.
If you're feeling energetic,
start your own group
and you can be the one to invite others.
The point is you have to put yourself out there
in every sense of that phrase.
Third, as the expression goes,
the best way to make friends is to be a friend.
This has to be sincere,
but it has to do with how you treat people
and how you relate.
So what does it mean to be a friend?
Well, one way is to be a giver, not a taker.
There's a lot of takers out there.
People who look for ways that they can get something
from other people.
They try to get attention, praise, time
for their own benefit.
Takers are high maintenance, self self-centered and fussy.
They want to do things their way.
I know a guy who only called me
when he wanted something.
He was never there
when I needed something.
I know another guy
who wants to lecture me
and boss me around.
He didn't want a friend,
he wanted to be in charge.
I had a friend a few years ago
who always had drama in their life
and they would want me to be a good listener
and I was supportive.
But then I had a bad day one day
and I wanted to talk about it, but they cut me off literally
and told me that I was acting like a baby
and ended the conversation.
Takers drive on a one way street
and this is not how friendships work.
Real friends are givers.
Friendship has to be a two-way street.
In conversations and relationships,
look for ways that you can be a benefit to others
with your time, energy and attention.
I'm friends with several people
who are always looking for small ways
that they can be of service.
They say, I'm gonna go grab a cup of coffee
do you want one?
They'll say I read this article the other day
and I thought of you.
They say, come on over.
Givers demonstrate an overall spirit of generosity
with their time and attention
and they have the other person's interests in mind.
Another way to be a friend
is to take a genuine interest in others.
Don't waste time trying to show people how interesting
or amazing you are.
Get sincerely interested in them and their lives.
What do people do when they're genuinely curious
and interested?
Well, you don't spend time talking all about yourself
and trying to impress other people with cool stories.
Instead, get curious, ask questions.
I mentioned the importance of asking questions
a lot on my channel
because I would estimate that 90% of the people I know
ask absolutely no questions.
So take the time to learn about their lives.
Ask them about what they do for work
and how that's going?
Ask them about where they grew up?
Ask them about their interests and passions.
If they have a family, ask them about their kids.
Parents love to talk about their kids.
Ask them about the kinds of foods, movies
and shows they like.
When you demonstrate that you're interested in other people,
they will naturally become more interested in you.
Another way to be a good friend is to be a good listener.
When people talk, give them your full attention,
put your phone away, make eye contact.
I have a bunch of videos on better listening
but the bottom line is that
good listeners are people magnets.
There's an expression out there,
listening is love.
If you listen completely to other people,
you'll never have a lack of friends,
they'll come looking for you.
One of the best ways to make friends is to be a friend.
And as I mentioned, it has to be sincere.
The fourth tip is to be on the lookout
for any common ground you share with others.
People really perk up
when they find out you have things in common.
So as you ask questions and listen,
notice where you have things in common
and dig deeper into that.
Friendships are grounded in similarity.
This could be shared hobbies, interests and values,
shared experiences, shared priorities.
I mentioned common ground
when we talked about joining groups
but common ground is a key way
that friends get closer
and your friendships will deepen.
One of the first things I do, personally,
when I'm getting to know people is deliberately look
for what we might have in common.
The more common ground you have on a variety of issues,
the more there is to talk about, share and bond over.
And when I notice something that we have in common,
I mention it.
That means you have to reveal information about yourself.
You have to let people get to know you, in other words.
This can feel risky
but you have to share things at your own pace.
I was in a conversation just the other day
with someone I already know
I found out they had just visited Colorado.
I used to live in Colorado.
And I talked about that
in the conversation with them briefly.
There's one more thing now we have in common.
And our faces both lit up in that conversation
as we talked about places that we've both been in Colorado.
The goal is to discover common ground in multiple areas,
look for similarities.
And one of the main reasons,
if you think about it,
people explain why they're friends with people,
they'll say, well, we have a lot in common.
We like people who have common ground and similarities.
The fifth tip is super practical.
Make a list of the three key people
that you want to develop friendships with
and start investing in those people.
This really brings together a lot of the other tips
that we've talked about so far
but you wanna look at all the potential friends you have
and then narrow that down to the top people,
top three people
that you will commit to making the initiative with
so that you can reach out
to ask them to do something specific together.
When I moved here to where I live now, many years ago,
I met a lot of people in passing, at work, at church
that I started attending
but these weren't friends yet.
They were just acquaintances
who I wanted to have potentially deeper friendships with.
So I literally made a list of around eight or 10 guys
that I sort of knew
and a short list of three guys
that I wanted to get closer with.
They checked off a lot of the boxes
that we've been talking about.
We had things in common,
they lived close enough so we could get together.
And I sensed that they were open
to getting to know me a little bit more.
So I started to invest in those people,
by connecting with them more regularly.
I'd send them a text every week,
I'd ask them how they were doing.
If a new movie was coming out,
I'd say," I was planning to see 'Iron Man 3' this weekend,
any interest?"
Honestly, I felt a little bit like dating at first,
I've heard a lot of adults say that.
You have to put yourself out there,
but you don't know yet
if the other person is going to have the time
or interest in making a new friend.
And some of those guys were like, yeah, let's do it,
I love Iron Man.
Other guys were too busy and that's okay.
This is a long term approach.
The key is to be really specific about three people
that you want to start hanging out with more regularly.
At the time I had those three names on my list at first
but only one of them turned into a real friendship.
But over time you meet new people
and I would be very intentional and say,
I would like to become better friends with that guy.
And I'd start reaching out, inviting him to do something.
And I just kept investing with other people
who were willing to meet me halfway.
Now, if this approach sounds too mechanical for you,
find another way to focus your interests
and start taking action steps
to becoming better friends with those specific people.
I'm very happy to say,
I now have those two or three close friends
in my life who live near me,
who I talk with, text with
and hang out with regularly.
I like and admire these guys.
And I have another half dozen friends
who I get together with sometimes
but not always because they live a little further away.
Here again is a summary of my five tips
to make friends as an adult.
Feel free to add your own advice
in the comment section below.
Thanks for spending this time with me today.
Friendships are one of the most valuable things
that you can have in this life.
And I encourage you to make your present
and future relationships a top priority.
Till next time, thanks, God bless
and I will see you soon.