-You guys, my guest tonight is John Legend.
[ Cheers and applause ]
John has won an Oscar, a Tony, an Emmy, a Grammy,
and he was named People Magazine's
Sexiest Man Alive.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Even more impressive -- his Uber passenger rating is 6.
I mean, wow, that's -- He must give his driver a mint.
Hey, I want to wish everyone a happy Friday.
If you think you're relieved that this week's over,
imagine how the president feels.
What a week.
We had impeachment hearings. We had a Democratic debate.
Ariana Grande endorsed Bernie Sanders.
And yet, all anybody will remember
is that someone farted on MSNBC.
[ Laughter ]
It was a brutal week for President Trump.
Witness after witness testified against him.
I don't want to say it was a disaster,
but even Prince Andrew was like, "How you holding up, buddy?"
[ Light laughter ]
Seriously, though, I'm not saying Trump was in bad shape,
but even Don Jr. was like, "You know what?
We're gonna do Thanksgiving at Boston Market this year.
We're good."
This week, while addressing the media,
there was a photo going around of Trump's notepad,
and a lot of people were commenting on his handwriting.
Take a look.
Have you seen this? -Yeah.
[ Light laughter ]
-It's real. Well, today, I read that
Donald Trump's handwriting -- and this is real --
is actually available as a free font called "Tiny Hand."
Here it is, right there. That's the font.
That's pretty crazy. But they actually tried out
a few other names for the font before landing on Tiny Hand.
-Oh. Oh, boy.
Here we go.
-Tariq, what's up, dawg?
-Let me guess.
You're gonna make fun of Trump
by listing off a bunch of rejected font names, right?
-I mean, yeah. That was the plan.
-And then, each joke will pop up as, like, a graphic,
so everyone can see it, and laugh about it.
-Right.
-I know exactly how this'll go.
So, the top of the screen is gonna say something like,
"Rejected Trump Font Names."
And then, underneath that, it'll say things like,
"Sharpie Pro Quo," and "Bigly Squiggly,"
or "Failing New York Times New Roman,"
and finally, "Hillary-vetica."
[ Laughter ]
Is...
Is that how this is gonna go?
-Yeah, pretty much. You nailed it, Tariq.
-Yeah, you shouldn't do that bit.
[ Laughter ]
-Alright. I won't. Tariq Trotter, everybody.
Thank you for telling me that. I won't do it.
I won't do it.
I won't do it. I won't do it.
Hey, guys, we are one week away from Black Friday.
Ooh, wow.
[ Cheers and applause ]
It is that yearly tradition of people lining up
outside department stores for hours,
and then realizing they can buy it all from home
on Cyber Monday.
[ Laughter ]
I read that Amazon wants to ship customers anything
in 30 minutes.
-Wait. Wait. Jimmy, hold up.
You're telling me that you could order something on Amazon,
and get it in 30 minutes?
-That's the plan.
-Can you order anything?
-If it's on Amazon, then, sure, I guess.
-Hmm. Very cool.
Hey, continue with your monologue, man.
I'm loving it so far!
Laughs galore, baby.
Ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha.
[ Laughter ]
-Anyway, this is interesting.
A tree frog in -- I'm sorry.
Sorry, who are you?
-Oh, I have a package for Kamal Grey.
-Yeah.
Yes!
My favorite album, right here!
It's my favorite!
It's my favorite, right here!
-Oh, my gosh. -Whoo!
[ Laughter ]
-James -- James' album.
-Can I get an autograph?
Can I get your autograph?
[ Laughter ]
-Hey, guys, I heard that Victoria's Secret
has officially canceled their fashion show -- or as one guys put it --
[ As Trump ] "Oh, my God, this week can't get worse."
[ Laughter ]
"Say it ain't so."
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Normal voice ] I saw that the Property Brothers are starting a magazine.
They plan on handling the magazine just like their show --
one brother will create the entire thing,
the other will do nothing in a suit.
[ Light laughter ]
And finally, a new study found that teenaged elephants
are like human teenagers -- they make a lot of mistakes,
they're stubborn, and they take risks.
In response, teen elephants sucked on a vape and said,
"You don't know me."