(00:00): Hey there it's clay
with modern love.life. And in this video, we're going to be talking about why your ex
pulls away when they actually love you. This can be a really interesting conundrum that
people can end up in. And we're going to, we're going to talk about this,
um, because oftentimes when your ex pulls away, it can make you think that you did something wrong
or that they're losing interest in you or something like that. And, you know, sure.
That absolutely can be the case, but it's not always, what's at play here. They might
actually have strong feelings for you. Love you even, and still pull away, uh, before you
go ahead and get into that. The, the reason why I said this piece of content instead of this video,
is because we're starting to upload the audio from these videos onto, um, a podcast platform.
(00:50): You know, you can definitely get it through
iTunes. I don't think they even call it iTunes anymore. And, you know, the, the, the, the normal
Apple podcast thing for other platforms as well, too, in the description box for this video on
YouTube, there'll be links to the, uh, uh, podcast thing as well. You know, we, we, we, we tried
doing this a while before, and, you know, some people were, were downloading them and listening
to them, but I just didn't think it was having a lot of an impact. And it just seemed like,
you know, another thing to do. And it was just, you know, I'm a busy guy and, uh, for some reason,
exporting the audio and uploading it to a website just seemed like a big deal. So we're going to do
that again. Um, I've had some people come forward and say, yeah, I found you on your podcast.
(01:30): And then I found out
it was just like the, the audio from, from your YouTube videos. And I'm like, yeah, you know,
a lot of times people can't listen to YouTube when they're on the go and they'd rather just
have a podcast or something. So, um, we're, we're going to do that again. I discovered that people
are finding us through that mechanism and, um, it makes sense to do it. So anyway, um, back to
all of this, uh, your ex may love you, but still pull away why, why what's going on. So the first
thing is they might just be confused. Your ex broke up with you for some reason or other. And,
um, usually when someone breaks up with someone else, they have to hold a negative image of that
person in their mind. Um, they have to see you as someone who it's not possible for them to have a
great relationship with either because the two of you are incompatible or because they, you know,
are extremely upset about something that happened or whatever the case might be, but they see you
for better or worse in a negative light. (02:28):
And maybe some of this is manufactured. Maybe they are just imagining some of it.
Um, maybe they're having to create some of it or maybe some of this, or maybe all of it is, um, you
know, deserved on your part because of actions or things that you did in the past, but either way,
they have this negative image of you. And, you know, hopefully you're showing them that they're
not walking back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.
And so they're seeing some different side of you as the two of you're interacting post breakup.
Uh, so what this can actually do is it can cause your ex to pull away now,
why is this? And obviously, you know, they like probably these, these changes and improvements
you're making in your life. You know, they like you, um, working through your emotional issues.
(03:12): They like you getting things figured
out. They like you taking responsibility. They like you doing all of these things, but they're
pulling away why is this it's because they're not sure what to put their trust in. You know,
they had this image of you that was worth breaking up with, and then they meet you in real life or
interact with you in some way. And you're this different person they're going to naturally be
a little bit confused. They're going to say, what is this? I thought you were this way,
but then it turns out you're actually that way. What's, what's the real one here was
this just you on your best behavior is this is just you trying really hard. Is this maybe some
weird scheme or gimmick that you picked up somewhere along the way, and you're trying
to do it just to win me back, or is this, is this actually a legit change is this is a legit
improvement. (03:57):
And so they're going to naturally pull back, will they try to make sense of this disconnect?
They're going to naturally pull back and say, well, what, which is it? Which should I put my
faith and trust in? Don't get me wrong. They absolutely like this improved version of you,
you know, most likely as long as they are perceiving it as an improvement.
Um, but they're just not sure which to put their trust in. So when this happens,
you know, obviously what you want to do is you want to continue to inspire the trust. You want
to continue to show up with consistency and to continue to build that trust with them,
because the more you continue to show up with consistency as your current version of yourself,
the more trust you're going to build with them, that that's who you really are versus if you were
to, you know, if it was just some sort of gimmick that you learned, if it was just you on your best
behavior, if it was just you, you know, trying some reverse psychology mind game or something,
eventually the truth would show through the cracks and they'd say, Oh, that was just a gimmick.
(04:57): You're still that old person. You're still that
old version of you that I, that I imagined when I think about why we had to break up. So, you know,
that's, that's another reason why you want to make sure that you're making legitimate, real
changes and all of that. You want to make sure that you're doing things to better your life,
like pushing that like button for the YouTube algorithm here, um, or doing other things as
well, to like improving your communication skills, improving other areas of your life,
trying to be kind of humorous about it. But I, I think, I think I just have such a, I dunno,
flat personality or dry humor or something, I don't know. But anyway, yeah, they help us
with the algorithm hit that thumbs up button. Yeah. That could be one reason why your ex is
pulling away the second reason that, um, your ex pulling away, even if they actually love you
is they're trying to do it right. (05:44):
You know, uh, when we care about someone, when we love someone, when we're really interested
in someone, we feel an urge to move toward them. But many times we can also feel a bit of fear,
fear that maybe we might mess it up, fear that maybe we need to say the right thing
or do the right thing in order to make things happen. And so they might actually pull away,
you know, when it comes to moving things forward with you connecting with you, meeting up with you,
uh, doing whatever, because they're not sure if what they're going to say right
now is going to be the right thing. And they're holding back saying like, okay, maybe if I just
think this through a little bit, then I'll be able to come up with the right thing to say,
if I wait a little bit longer than I'll be able to suggest meeting up in just the right place
and have just the right plan figured out, um, you know, this, this I think is pretty common,
you know, especially for, for guys. (06:33):
Um, at least that's what I experienced, you know, back when I was single and dating is, you know,
yeah. I'd really like a girl, but, um, I'd often kind of move a little bit slower. Not, not,
not, not because I was intentionally, you know, trying to play hard to get or anything like that.
But because I was like, Oh my goodness, like, is someone I really like, um, how can I make sure I
really take her on a great date? Or how can I make sure I really have like the best way to respond to
that text message or something like that. And so I would, I would wait a little bit longer,
um, whether or not that was the, the right thing to do or not, uh, is, is up for debate. But that
was kind of my thought process. And that's where a lot of people may also be when it comes to
interacting with you, if they really like you. (07:12):
So just know that they might be just trying to do it, right. The third thing that someone might do,
if they, you know, actually love you. And, but my cousin Napoleon AI is because
they think that they, I need to play hard to get now, you know, you, you, you guys know this, um,
there's all this advice out there on the internet that says, you know, you need to play hard to get,
you need to make them work for it. Whoever cares, the least controls the relationship. And people
kind of believe this to be true because they've heard it so many times from so many different
places. Obviously I don't believe that that is true, but it's still kind of a constant noise
in the world around us that that many people I'll do pick it up and they kind of believe it's true.
And so they might be doing it. (07:57):
They might be pulling back intentionally because they think it's what they have to do.
And they're not even knowingly doing this. They're not even consciously doing it this,
like I remember again, back when I was single, if I met someone and I really liked them, um,
you know, you go out on a date or whatever. And, um, after afterwards I would, I would, for some
weird reason, I don't know where I pick this up, but for some weird reason, I thought I
needed to wait like two or three days afterwards before I contacted her again to, to, you know,
get something going again, because I just thought, Oh, you know, you can't seem too,
too needy, too desperate, too interested or whatever. And so, um, you know, there's obviously
little things like that, but there's also like, you know, intense levels where this shows up,
like in the, in the men's advice world, there's a, there's a whole pickup artist stuff,
uh, in the women's advice world, there's all of these things like, you know, play hard to get and
do all these other things. (08:51):
Um, and your ex might be kind of buying into some of that stuff. Uh, I don't agree with it. I think
that we have better relationships and better connections when we can actually just be real,
be human, be authentic with one another, but there are enough people out there that, that have not
come around to this way of thinking and for better or worse, they just believe they need to play some
sort of mind game. Not that they're intentionally trying to manipulate you. Like, they're like, yes,
I'm going to use reverse psychology to force you into my web of deception. Um, most likely that's
not where they are. Uh, most likely they're just like, wow, I really like you. But, um, you know,
I really want to make sure I do this right. And I read on the internet that in order to,
you know, make a man interested in you, you have to seem distant and aloof and make him work for
you or something like that. (09:36):
And so that might be what your ex is doing potentially bye they're pulling away if they,
if they really like you, uh, the fourth reason why your ex might pull away when they really actually
love you, is that it's getting real and they're working up the courage to make a big move. You
know, we've talked about this before in our, uh, video and our content on, um, the five stages your
ex goes through, uh, when getting back together with you, if you're watching this on YouTube, then
we're going to put a video card right up there for our five stages of getting back together,
a video, go ahead and click on that. If you want to. Um, it it's been really helpful for a lot of
people, but, um, you know, in the early stages, when your ex is at wall reactants test drive,
or even riding the dragon, interacting with you is kind of a hypothetical intellectual exercise.
(10:28): It's like,
what, what, what would it be like to talk to my ex again? What would it be like if we met up again,
would it be weird? Would it be cool? Would it be romantic? Would it be uncomfortable? What
would it be like? Would I have feelings for them? Would they have feelings for me? I don't know. Um,
but once you actually start to get to the crisis point, then it stops being this intellectual
exercise and it starts being kind of real, you know, they recognize, you know, this, I have
real feelings for you. What am I going to do about it? You know, here I am, I'm maybe I'm maybe,
maybe I'm in a rebound relationship. Maybe I am. Um, you know, maybe I told all my friends
and family that we broke up and that was hard, you know, am I really ready to make it real
by telling all my friends and family that, Hey, we're dating again, or am I really ready to make
it real by breaking up with the rebound? (11:14):
You know, I don't want to look foolish by doing all of these things and then
having things between me and you kind of fizzle out and fade for whatever reason.
So I'm going to hold back so they could be kind of pulling back a bit. Yeah. Because it's getting
real, it's causing them to feel uncomfortable. They're starting to actually have to confront
the real practicalities of what it might mean to actually have feelings for you. And, um, they
may be kind of creating that space to either, you know, put off making that uncomfortable decision,
or maybe as they they're thinking like, okay, I just need to like work up the courage. Yeah.
You know, it's a really hard week this week. Maybe I'll wait until the weekend. And then I'll finally
tell some folks or whatever. Um, but that's, that's another reason they could be doing that.
(11:50): The fifth reason that
your may pull away when they actually love you is because they may not actually know how you feel.
Um, I know that there are a lot of people out there that probably think, okay. Yeah. My ex
obviously knows that I want to get back together. They obviously know that I love them, but that's
not necessarily always the case. Your ex is just a human being like you are, they have their own
doubts. They have their own fears. They have their own insecurities anxieties and all of that.
And just like anyone else, they don't want to necessarily put it all out there and risk looking
foolish if it's like, you know? Yeah, I totally love you. And then you just turn to them and say,
Whoa, like what, what's going on? You broke up with me and you're trying to tell me,
you love me. (12:36):
Like, I just want to be friends with you. I think we should just be friends. I don't have
no feelings for you. It's just platonic or whatever. Like they don't want to,
they don't want to risk that. And so that's why one of the things that we talk about in, you know,
many of our courses and programs and coaching and things is being transparent, being vulnerable.
Again, we've kind of talked about this a bit with the playing hard to get and the mind games
and everything, but, um, being vulnerable and being transparent actually creates a lot more
bonding. Then a lot of these manipulative tactics, because it allows someone to actually see who
you are and for them to actually know where you're at, you know, like what if, what if you,
um, what if you wanted to be in a relationship with someone and you thought you needed to do
all these mind game reverse psychology things, and you had to pretend to be someone you weren't,
you had to pretend like you weren't interested in them and then things between you and that person
didn't materialize. (13:36):
And you had to live the rest of your life, knowing that you didn't give it a hundred percent. You
didn't give it your all, you weren't genuine with them. You weren't straightforward with them. You
weren't honest with them. You'd probably feel a little bit of regret. If you are willing to
take a chance, if you're willing to open up in a positive way in a, in a, in a good way. You know,
obviously we don't just do the whole usual thing that a lot of people do right after a
breakup where they pour their heart out, beg and plead call text a million times and all that.
But if you do it in a positive way where it's genuine, they'll know where you're at, and then
they can make a real decision. Like, yeah. Am I willing to be honest with you? Am I willing to
come forward and admit to you? (14:11):
I love you. And they're going to know what they're getting into. So it's actually a strength to
be vulnerable. It's actually a strength, to be honest, it's actually a strength to come right
out. And, uh, and to share a lot of this stuff, if you're doing it the right way. Um, if you do want
to learn how to do that, we have a course called the X solution program over@modernlove.life slash
E S P that's modern love.life. It's not the.com. You know, I looked into buying modern love.com,
but it turned out it was like $15,000 to buy it from whoever owns it. So, uh, not going to be
buying that anytime soon, maybe someday.life for now modern love.life/e as in X, S as in solution,
P as in program, but modern love.life/esp. And we talk about advanced relational skills in there
in terms of, you know, how to bring yourself to the interaction in a genuine, authentic way where
you can express desire, you can express, um, all of these sorts of things in a way that's actually
received well, as opposed to being a turnoff and you know, whether or not things work out between
you and your acts, you'll be able to embody these advanced relational skills and know that, Hey,
I gave it my all, I gave it 100% and I can look back at the end of my life, knowing I wasn't just,
you know, kind of muted kind of muffled pretend be someone I wasn't, and they never actually got
a chance to see who I really am. (15:35):
Um, and if that's something you wanna learn more about, check out modern
love.life/esp. Um, but yeah, thanks so much once again, that thumbs up button, I'm sure
it helps your ex when they pull back emotionally. Maybe. Sure. It doesn't hurt anyway. Anyway, um,
yeah, thanks so much. Subscribe. All that good stuff. Leave a comment. It helps us out all the
engagement. Anyway, thanks so much, please take care and I'll talk to you next time.