He owned up to it.
He goes, "I've been a bad friend.
"I've been distant, and I'm sorry.
"And I want to make it up to you.
"So I got some mushrooms,
"and I think we should do these mushrooms
to rekindle our friendship."
[exciting music]
♪
[cheers and applause]
(Ari) Thank you.
On this show, here's what happens.
It's just a bunch of comics telling true stories,
and that's all it is.
And to tell you what happened to Pete Carboni,
ladies and gentlemen, his side of the story,
Mr. Pete Carboni, everybody.
Let him hear it.
[cheers and applause]
So it was about halfway through the trailer...
[laughter]
To the movie
that I started to feel sadder
than I've ever felt in my life before.
I think what was going through my mind is,
I was laughing at the trailer.
I found it really funny, and I was like,
"Yeah, this guy Sacha Baron Cohen's a really funny dude.
He's doing really well in his career," you know?
And then I started to think of my own career as a comedian,
and I started to get a little bit sad.
And that thought just spiraled me
and propelled me out of that room.
I had that feeling that you have,
like, right before you're about to cry hysterically.
I mean, am I right, fellas? Yeah?
And I was in a dark place in my life.
I'd just gotten out of this on-again, off-again
embattled relationship with this girl Kelly.
And Kelly would use the off-again portion
of our relationship
to have sex with some of my friends.
Yes, and this would often inspire me
to take her back again, you know,
to stop that from happening,
which would make us more embattled, you know?
Which would make me break up with her.
The whole thing--it's what an economist might call
a vicious cycle.
So I--like, I got to get out of here.
I'm just not in a good place.
So I jump into a cab, and I say, "551 Sawtelle,"
'cause that's where I lived,
and the guy must have misheard me.
So he turned around,
and he was like, "Uh, which hotel?"
And normally,
I think I would be able to resolve this misunderstanding.
But in the condition I was in, all I could think to do was,
I pointed in the direction of my apartment,
and I just was like, "Go!
Please, just go!"
And so the guy just starts driving in that direction,
and I'm like, "Okay, I'm on my way home,"
and then we got to a stop sign.
And it's a weird thing.
When you're on mushrooms,
it messes with your sense of time, you know?
So it felt like I was at this stop sign for, like, a year.
It felt awful.
And so I couldn't help my-- and I just start going,
"Go! Please!
Please go! Just go!"
And then the guy would drive faster,
and then he'd get to the next stoplight sooner.
And then I'd yell "go" again.
I mean, this is another vicious cycle
I found myself in.
Until finally, I felt so bad.
I felt like--"Geez, I'm"-- I'm like,
"This guy's, like, a working-class guy.
He's doing his job to support his family."
I'm like this degenerate.
I'm doing mushrooms on a Monday morning.
So I got out of the cab. I told him to stop, got out.
And I gave him 100 bucks.
And then I turned, and I just started running.
And I was running down Bundy Avenue,
which if you don't know is basically a four-lane highway.
And it's probably too big of a street to be running down,
dressed like this,
as fast as you can
while you're crying hysterically,
because people started slowing down on the road
to check me out, you know?
They're, like, "Yeah, I don't think that guy
is jogging."
So I start to feel really self-conscious,
and as I'm running, I notice ahead of me
a hole, like, in a fence.
And so my instinct is just to go through this hole in the fence.
So I just jumped-- I sort of slide through,
and I wind up in, like, this suburban backyard.
And there's some dude who's, like,
reading a paper on his back porch
as I come in in my sad state.
And I was like, "I'm just...
I'm gonna try the honesty approach."
I walk up to the guy.
I'm like, "Uh, excuse me, sir?
"I'm very sorry, but I'm feeling very sick.
Do you think that maybe you could drive me home?"
And shockingly, this guy says yes.
I was like--and my mind was blown that he said yes.
I was like, "What a wonderful world we live in
that this guy would say yes to me."
I was like, "But he shouldn't," and he did,
and I love that man.
And we got in his car, and, you know,
he starts driving, but then he gets to a stop sign.
And I'm just out of control.
I'm like, "Man, just go!
Please! Just go!"
And we wind up doing that again,
and then I finally tell him to stop.
And I jump out of his car, and I throw $200 at him.
And he--he says to me.
He's like, "Man, I just drove you, like, five blocks.
It's really"-- And I was like, "Just take it!"
And then I just started running.
And I ran all the way home.
And when I got home, I started to feel a little bit lonely,
and I started to rethink things with Kelly, you know?
It's like, you know, yeah,
she slept with a few of my friends.
Okay.
Maybe I can just take that as,
she finds my friends really charming and attractive.
In a way, that's like a compliment.
So I called her, and I asked her to come over,
and she did.
And when she got there, I begged her to take me back,
and she did.
And then my phone rang,
and it was Ari.
I was like, "Oh, yeah. That's right.
"Like, we were supposed to be doing mushrooms today
"to rekindle our friendship
because I've been such a bad friend."
And, Ari, do you remember what you said?
(Ari) Yeah, I was worried about you.
So I was like--I was like, "Hey, are you okay?"
Yeah, and I thought he was gonna attack me,
which would've been the right thing to do.
And then I was like, "You know"--
I don't know how to tell him this,
so I was like, "Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
I'm here with Kelly."
Yeah, I forgot about that.
You were like, "I'm here with Kelly.
We got back together," but I was like...
[sighs]
"All right, well, at least you're all right."
(Pete) Yeah, he was a good sport about it.
And then you--not only that, then he says to me.
He's like, "Hey, man, I just want to let you know
that I love you."
(Ari) I do.
I was really concerned for you.
Yeah, and I was, like, overwhelmed with--
I was like-- That was so nice of you.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
I wouldn't have been that way.
Let me ask you a question.
(Pete) What's that?
Why--why did you have $300 on you?
[laughter and applause]
I think I figured that I was doing something
sort of adventurous that, like,
I should probably bring emergency funds.
- You know? - No, it's--
Just to be safe.
You don't need emergency funds for a mushroom trip.
Oh, yeah, but didn't I need them?
[laughter]
Wouldn't you say that I needed them?
Yeah, you're right. You're right, you did.
And I'm glad you're safe, man.
I'm glad you're safe as well.
Thanks. Pete Carboni, everybody.
Pete Carboni.