Divorce is one of the top stressors on every list that I've seen. How is it
possible to stay positive when you're going through a divorce? By the end of
this video, you're going to have some clear ideas about how to do that.
I strongly believe that you can be positive no matter what. As we apply this
to staying positive while you're going through a divorce. Let's do this as a top
10. Starting out with number 10, realize that it's a choice.
I say it this way partially because of my own background and upbringing. I was
raised in a conservative, religious, community where divorce was one of those
taboo subjects. It's something you never talk about and it's never an option. And
I think that doesn't serve people well. It is a choice. When we make it a choice,
it's easier to do some of the other things on the list that we're going to
get to. Realize that this is a choice. A legitimate life option that may happen.
The thing about choice is until we see something as a choice, it's not. And a lot
of people end up in circumstances in life through whatever complex series of
events has happened that they didn't plan on being here. Seeing the choice in
the matter is an important step to put you in position to do what's next. So
let's move on to number 9. Coming in at number 9 on our list is to forgive
yourself. Start right here at home, okay? This does not mean that you failed your
relationship. Although that's a common way to talk about it. Let's just vacate
that kind of thinking. Because in my mind that's a victim paradigm and it's not
helping anything. Be very forgiving and tolerant. This happens to good people
like you. It doesn't mean that you're a bad person. It doesn't mean that you
can't do relationships. It doesn't mean that you have failed. It simply happens.
It's one of those legitimate life circumstances that a lot of people
experience including really great people like you. Let's be very forgiving of
people who go through divorce and especially this one, okay? As
you're going through this, be very forgiving of yourself.
That brings up number 8, forgive your ex or soon-to-be ex, as the case may be.
Let's stop beating people up for the choices or circumstances that lead them
into whatever position they're in right now. Here's the thing about forgiving
your former spouse. It frees you up. And that's the main reason that I would ask
you to do it. Now, is it going to benefit them? I've had people in my office who
dig in their heels and it's like, "That person doesn't deserve forgiveness? What
they did was wrong? They didn't even acknowledge that it was wrong. They've
never apologized." See they're listing all of these reasons why not to forgive the
Ex? Guess what? If you forgive your former spouse, it frees you up. It might
benefit them but that's only secondary and do it
anyway, okay? Don't be that person who's not willing to forgive. You forgive your
ex. It frees you up to have some powerful experiences and to stay positive through
this divorce. Now, let's move up to number 7. Number 7 is to own your choice.
Do you remember number 10 that you have to realize this is a choice. Own your
choice. What I mean by that is stop blaming circumstances or people,
especially your ex. Stop blaming for what's happening here and own your
choice. This is a choice. You are here by choice. Now, you might resist sentencing.
But I'm not the one who chose this. Yeah I get it. There are a series of choices
that you can own about where you are right now. And this is not a bad thing,
it's just where you are. So own your choice. If you're the one who decided to
end this marriage, own that. And quit blaming your ex. If you're the
one who chose to stick with it but your spouse bailed, then own your choice to
stick with it and don't blame your spouse that you're in this divorce. Just
say, "You know my choice is to stay together and I honor the choices of
other people that have me where I am right now." This is subtle and it's a
little tricky. Owning your choice puts you in a position of power and allows
you to remain positive in the midst of a difficult circumstance. Just remember to
stay away from blaming. Any aspect of blame means that you're not owning your
choice. Get clear about what your choice is and then own it. Just a little side
note here, many of you know that I've done child custody evaluations in the
past, as part of what my practice was. And I have talked to so many kids who are
trying to adjust to their parents divorce. One of the most troubling things
for them is this conflict that comes up when one parent is trying to blame the
other or when they're blaming each other and fighting back and forth. And guess
what? This space is not safe if there's crossfire. And that's where the kids are.
That's why it's so important to own your choice.
Divorce is a choice, okay? Wrap your head around that, it's going to help even if it
stings a little bit. Let's move on. The next item up on our list is number 6.
Be careful about which clubs you join. I don't mean the commercial club downtown
where you can get a drink or do some dancing. I'm talking about The CLUBS. You
know, like the X haters Club, the former husband haters Club, the ex-wife haters
Club, the man haters club, the woman haters Club. Do you see how these hateful
clubs don't help anything. And you're at risk. So be careful which clubs you join.
This has a whole lot to do with what your social media activity
looks like. You just go look you look at some of the news feeds that are out
there for some of your friends or people that you know who are those bitter angry
divorced-club people. Yeah, really? Do you want to be part of that club? You don't
have to join that Club. Be careful about which clubs you join. Which leads us
right into number 5. We're going to create a new club. And this one is a
Positivity club. Number 5 on our list is to create the Positivity Club. Ask
your friends. Ask your family. Invite them to join you in taking a positive
approach to this. It's intentional, it's a choice and I think your friends are
going to support you. Although they may have already joined another Club. An
invitation from you... And it can sound just like this... It can say, "Look, divorce
gets nasty. I don't want my situation to be like that. I'm taking a positive
approach to this where I'm choosing to forgive and move on. Will you support me
in doing that?" You can be that direct. It's going to blow their mind just a little
bit. But you know what? Who's in charge of this thing anyway? Do you have to get
sucked into the negative, angry, vitriolic stuff that is typical of divorce
situations? No, you don't. Create a Positivity Club. Invite your friends and
your family to join you there. Now, let's move up to number 4 on our list.
Understand your part. This goes right in hand-in-hand with what we've already
talked about where you're going to refuse to blame, you're going to practice
forgiveness. Now it's important to look at your part. But when I did those child
custody evaluations for the court, I would bring in one side. The mom for
example. And she would tell me her story and I'd listen to her story. And then dad
would come in a few days later and I'd listen to his story. And I've got these
2 different stories and guess what? They don't match.
Who's right? I had to learn really quickly. It's not about who's right. It's
about what's right. And everybody has their part. So there are elements from
each of these stories that give me an idea of what's going on and I can see
very clearly as an evaluator that both of these people have misbehaved. That
both of these people have violated principles. That's not what we're
focusing on. They're just human beings, right? We all make mistakes. And you
probably did. Okay, welcome to earth. That's how we roll here. It's okay that
you made mistakes. Get clear about what those are. Because you're not done yet,
are you? No. And as you move forward with your life, does it serve you well to
understand what your part in all of this was? Then when saying that, I'm not saying
that you should take the blame. Blame is a victim mentality. We're not going there
at all. Let's stand the agent side of the equation. And understand that you had a
part in this. What's my part? Humbly be open to "What's my part?" Because that
serves you well going on. You don't have to share this information with your ex.
That probably wouldn't help things. But own it yourself and understand so that
you can take the higher level of positive control over your own life. Okay,
we're up to the top 3 now. And this gets back to my favorite topic.
Positivity number 3, see that your life is good. And it is. Focus on
gratitude. That's probably the quickest way to get there. I know you're going
through a hard time. Divorce is one of the top 2 on every
list that I've seen on stressors that can happen in life. In fact, divorce is
higher on the stress list than death of a spouse. For a lot of reasons that
you're starting to understand, this is a hard thing that you're going through. And
it can be very distracting because of the pain and the disruption and the
challenges that you're facing that it'll pull you off balance sometimes and get
you thinking, "Oh, my life sucks." No, it doesn't. Oh, my gosh. Your
life is so abundant and beautiful and blessed. Focus on gratitude and that's
what will bring your mind back into Positivity mode. See that your life is
good and abundant and rich and blessed. And if you need some help with that,
watch a few more videos here and I'll try to pump you up for it.
This is true and it's a powerful way to keep a positive approach while you're
going through a negative thing. Moving up to number 2, create hope for the future.
Because you're not done yet, are you? No. You're going to move forward from here
to where? And you've only got 2 options. What if I were to present it to you as
2 options. Look, okay. You can have something better after all this. Or. Or
something worse. Now, which one of those do you want? How do you want a little
time to think about it? No, you know what you want, don't you? Duh! We all want
something better. You've got the power to create this. How you handle this right
now matters. Staying positive not only makes your life more pleasant right now.
It sets you up to create something even better than what you've already got. And
I will get behind your upgrade all day long. I got your back on this. The best
way to get that upgrade is to see that what you've got is already good. And then
we apply that positive energy to making it even better and we both know that
there's better things you could do, right? So, let's get busy working on that. You
create the hope for a better life. Now, that leads us up to number 1 on our list.
And this is really a summary of many of the other points that we've already
covered including positivity forgiveness and choice and all of that
great stuff. Here it is, number 1, choose love. Remember you've always got a choice
and every interaction you have with anyone else is going to fall on one side
or the other. It's either going to be a hate choice. I use the word hate because
people hate the word hate. But think about it. What's the opposite? A love
choice. It's either going to be love or hate. Get clear about which one and you choose
love. Believe it or not, staying positive might be one of the easiest things to do
once you understand those principles. We've got a playlist here on the channel
about some tougher issues that you might encounter in your divorce. Check that out
as well.