(rock music to electronic beat)
- This show rules.
- I personally love it better than standup.
(audience laughing)
- I've seen comedians, I've known 'em for 20 years,
then I see 'em do this, I'm like,
"fuck, it's a whole different thing."
- It's like a ball game, man.
You can lose, you know.
(laughing)
- You're definitely a lot more naked up there.
It's the vulnerability, you're naked,
and then also it's a good show,
so you want to do well, 'cause it's so fun.
You know, the main thing is you really just want
to have a lot of fun.
- Give it up for the never-before-seen setlist
of Andy Haynes!
(audience clapping and cheering)
- Listen, a lot of people say
that when you're baking something for people,
you want to bake it with love, and I don't think that,
(audience laughs)
I don't think that they got to the bottom of that,
or the vas deferens between the two.
Come on, come on. (audience claps and woos)
Oh yeah, I remember that one, that was a good one.
See, cause I hate my family, and I also hate Brooklyn,
and our tenement house, and,
(audience laughs)
it was good.
It was good to see my mom scratchin',
my dad scratchin' (laughs),
they're DJs, (audience laughs)
"don't let the bedbugs bite," that's what they say.
Why just put out bedbugs?
Why let all, why give a pass to all the other bugs?
"Before you go sleepy, don't get stung by a bee."
See that?
(audience laughs)
I haven't even been around that long,
I just beat the shit out of that one.
(audience laughing)
My family, growing up, we had a monkey.
(audience laughs)
We kept it in a cage, we just kinda, smoked cigarettes.
Like when I was a kid.
And uh, just throw cigarettes at him,
burn his little monkey face (laughing).
(audience laughing)
I think he's gotta be pretty positive.
They're stupid, and I've noticed that stupid people
are pretty optimistic too, you know what I mean?
Like, stupid people are always like,
"live everyday like it (laughs),"
you know they always have sage wisdom,
(audience laughing)
"so like I was like,
"is the monkey cage half-full? (audience laughing)
"Of other kidnapped monkeys?" (audience laughing)
What do I gotta do to win you guys over?
(audience laughing)
I mean, listen, I feel like white people have gotten
a pretty bad rap for a long time, and,
just a bad chance at rapping
and I'm glad that Macklemore's around now so,
(audience clapping)
so we could finally, save some face, right you guys?
I went to a racist high school.
They had black and white water fountains.
It was all black, so I was, like,
the only person not allowed to use that water fountain.
Look, you guys judged me for a second,
but you didn't realize I was the one who was persecuted
for going to Our Lady of African Methodist Zion church.
(audience laughing)
Escuela de Jesus (laughing).
Sometimes I like to, you know,
go around Sunset, and I like to get,
not Sunset, like Santa Monica kinda over by like
Western and Vine, you know, in that area,
and I like to get a black transvestite.
(audience giggles quietly)
I can't have sex with a black transvestite?
You guys, I didn't say anything negative about that,
you guys made a judgment.
But what I like to do is,
I like to get her in the back of my car,
and I get two pieces of bread and I put them on my dick,
and I say,
"bitch, are you ready for the racist lunch meat solution?"
(audience laughs and claps)
Thank you. (audience cheers)
(rock music to electronic beat)
- Hey dude, what's up.
- I was shaking a lot, 'cause I've had too much caffeine,
but I think I knocked its dick in the sand,
which is kinda my, my life philosophy.
Do it man.
Commit to it, it's such a liberating feeling.
It's a Liberace feeling.
(scribbling) (shuffling)