-Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, to
"The Tonight Show," everyone.
You're here. Thank you for watching.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
Let's get to some news.
President Biden spent the past two days in Scotland,
addressing world leaders at the UN Climate Change summit.
Yep, Biden reiterated his commitment
to cut carbon emissions in half by 2030.
And he can do it. I mean... [ Cheering and applause ]
...he cut his approval rating in half in three months.
[ Ohs, laughter, and applause ]
Biden ended his big speech by saying, "God bless you all
and may God save the planet."
[ Laughter ]
Then God was like, "Uh, this is definitely
a 'You broke it, you bought it' situation.
[ Laughter and applause ] I..."
Well, good news -- over 100 countries have agreed
to stop deforestation by 2030, yeah.
In other words --
[ Cheering and applause ]
In other words, they agreed
to stop giving the Brazilian rain forest a Brazilian.
[ Laughter and applause ]
But it wasn't just world leaders at the summit.
Leonardo DiCaprio was also there. -Oh.
[ Cheering and applause ] -Yeah.
Apparently, he heard Earth was getting hotter
and needed to meet her.
[ Laughter ]
-Whoo!
Actually, DiCaprio does a lot to fight global warming.
It all started with that iceberg. -Oh.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Rimshot ] -Thank you.
Some more news from overseas -- at Shanghai Disneyland --
Did you hear about this? -[ Laughing ] Yeah.
After one person tested positive for COVID,
more than 30,000 visitors weren't allowed
to leave the park until they tested negative.
[ Laughter ] 30,000.
Parents were like, "This is awful!"
[ Laughter ]
While every kid was like, "Best day ever!
[ Laughter and applause ] Oh, my --
Trapped in Disneyland?
At first, everyone at Disneyland was mad
they had to spend hours sitting around and waiting.
Then, they remembered that's what they paid for,
in the first place. [ Laughter ]
That's right, Mickey gives you a COVID test
and then, they charge you 40 bucks for a photo.
it's unbelievable. [ Laughter ]
Did you guys hear about this? Apparently, there are issues
with the toilet on the SpaceX capsule.
[ Laughter ]
So, four astronauts are going to have to use
backup undergarments during their trip home.
-Ohhhhh! [ Audience ews ]
Astronauts were like, "You know,
not sure we needed to make that public.
[ Laughter ]
We're doing tons of other stuff up here."
[ Laughter ]
Meanwhile, I saw that NASA astronauts used
the first peppers grown in space
to make tacos on the International Space Station.
[ Cheering and applause ]
I guess they figured, "Well, toilet's broken.
Taco Tuesday, anyone?"
[ Laughter and applause ]
-What?!
-Is anyone thinking, here?!
[ Laughter and applause ]
Next, they're going to have a prune eating contest.
[ Laughter ]
Some business news --
Peloton has partnered with Delta Airlines to offer
stretching and meditation classes on their flights.
[ Cheering ]
I don't know about this. I mean, after being delayed
for three hours, even the Dalai Lama would be like,
"Come on!
Let's go!"
[ Laughter and applause ]
That's my Dalai Lama impression. -Wow.
[ Laughter ] It's uncanny.
It's uncanny, how accurate it is. -Thank you, yeah.
No one else does the Dalai Lama. -No!
-"Come on!
[ Laughter ]
I don't care if I beat the luggage there.
I don't care!"
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of travel, American Airlines is having
a rough time in the past few days.
They had to cancel over 2,000 flights,
due to staffing and weather problems, yeah.
At this point, flying to Charlotte is like
crossing the Atlantic in 1750.
[ Laughter ] [ Portentous voice ] My beloved Isabelle,
our journey has been long and hard.
[ Laughter ]
Well, get this -- I heard that Zoom --
you guys know Zoom, obviously, yeah?
Zoom's going to start showing ads.
[ Audience groans, boos ]
[ Laughter ]
Yeah. The only thing missing
from your four-hour work long meetings were commercials.
[ Laughter ]
Yes!
Well, this is actually fun -- Heinz just launched
a Christmas dinner in a can.
[ Ews and laughter ]
Look at this. Look at this thing.
There you go.
Just like mom used to make.
[ Laughter ]
When she was in prison.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Hey, I read that, here in New York City,
the Met is putting on an opera that's six hours long.
[ Audience oohs ] -Oh, my God.
-Yeah, it's a famous opera, called
"Terrible Idea during a Pandemic."
[ Laughter ]
Six hours, yeah.
Each guest is handed a playbill and a pair
of astronaut undergarments. -Oh!
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Taco Tuesday! -Yeah!
[ Laughter ] And, finally,
a man in California returned home to find
a pretty interesting scene. Look at this.
-John Holden says, when he returned home,
he was surprised to find his front door wide open
and quickly noticed that bear, on the counter,
scarfing down a bucket of KFC. [ Laughter ]
Unfortunately,
one of his pet parakeets is still missing.
[ Audience ohs ]
-Colonel Sanders was like, "Oh, no, they finally found out
our secret recipe." [ Laughter ]