Robert Mueller, former special counsel
and dad who totally knows when you've been smoking.
For two years, his investigation into Trump, Russia
and election meddling have consumed the nation
and its news.
And when he finally released his 450-page report,
many thought it would shake America to its core.
The only issue was, it was 450 pages too long.
And because it didn't contain any boy wizards,
no one wanted to read it.
In fact, in fact-- this is true-- polls show
that only seven percent of Americans
have read the entire report, yes.
And the other 93% were like, "I'll just wait for the movie."
(laughter)
Well, today, the movie came out,
because today, Robert Mueller testified live on Capitol Hill.
The president has repeatedly claimed
that your report found there was no obstruction
and that it completely and totally exonerated him.
But that is not what your report said, is it?
Correct, that is not what the report said.
And what about total exoneration?
Did you actually totally exonerate the president?
No.
Now, in fact, your report expressly states
-that it does not exonerate the president? -It does.
Under Department of Justice policy,
the president could be prosecuted
for obstruction of justice crimes
-after he leaves office-- this correct? -True.
-Whoa! Yeah. -(audience gasping)
According to Robert Mueller,
the president can be charged with obstruction of justice
once he leaves office.
So you know what that means.
Trump is never leaving office.
(laughter)
Yeah. He hears that,
the Secret Service is gonna be banging
on the Oval Office door like, "Sir, you need to leave."
He'll be like, "No housekeeping! Thank you!"
(laughter)
So, for the Democrats,
the Mueller hearing got off to a great start.
Within the first five minutes, Mueller confirmed
that his report did not exonerate Trump
and that he could go to prison after he leaves office.
But to be honest, this was as good as it got,
because when the Democrats tried to get Mueller
to give them juicy sound bites, you know,
beyond a simple "yes" or "no," he just didn't take the bait.
On that same page, page 97, do you see where
there was the "intent" section on that page?
-I do see that. -See the report?
All right. Would you be willing to read the first sentence?
And that was starting with...?
"Substantial evidence."
"Indicates that the president..."?
If you could read that first sentence.
Would you be willing to do that?
-I'm happy to have you read it. -Okay, I will read it, then.
Yeah, nice try, nice try.
But Mueller isn't playing those games.
Yes, he's like the world's least cooperative audiobook.
(laughter)
"Chapter one. You know what?
"You know how to read. Go get the book.
Read it yourself."
(laughter)
And, like, because Mueller refused
to read out damning passages of his own report for the cameras,
some Democrats thought it would be a good idea to take matters
into their own hands,
and Mueller just wouldn't play along.
Donald Trump, one, committed an obstructive act,
two, connected to an official proceeding,
three, did so with corrupt intent.
Those are the elements of obstruction of justice.
This is the United States of America.
No one is above the law.
No one.
The president must be held accountable
one way or the other.
Let me... let me just say, if I might,
I don't subscribe necessarily to your, uh...
the way you analyze that.
I'm not saying it's out of the ballpark,
but I'm not supportive of that analytical charge.
Thank you.
-"Thank you." -(laughter)
Oh, have you guys ever seen, like, those videos
where a player will shoot a three-point shot
and then they celebrate... they celebrate,
but the ball just bounces off the rim? Have you seen that?
That was the congressional version of that shot.
That's what that was. 'Cause Jeffries was confident.
He was confident Mueller was on his side.
Yeah? And then he didn't know what to say after.
He was just like, "Thank you."
It's like when you're trying to win an argument
and your friend doesn't help.
"Mike agrees with me, right, Mike?" "No, I don't."
-"My man!" -(laughter)
So, that was... that was basically the entire day
for the Democrats, right? It started off well,
but they really tried to get Mueller to give them
the sound bite that would help them end the Trump presidency.
But he just kept on rejecting them,
like a special counsel Dikembe Mutombo.
He was just like, "No, no, no."
And as for the Republicans,
they had a very different agenda to the Democrats today.
You see, they were trying to portray Mueller
as incompetent, inconsistent and biased.
They brought up the fact that most of his investigators
supported Hillary Clinton.
They complained that Mueller contradicted himself.
And they even argued that he couldn't be fair to Trump
because he was friends with some of Trump's enemies.
You and James Comey had been good friends,
or were good friends for a... for many years, correct?
Uh, we were business associates.
We both started off in the Justice Department about the...
You were good friends. You can work together
and not be friends, but you and Comey were friends.
We were friends.
Aw, man.
-Poor James Comey. -(laughter)
Imagine finding out your friend isn't your friend
in front of a live national audience.
Yeah, because in interviews, Comey was like,
"This guy's my ride-or-die!" And now Mueller's like,
"We only hung out because he had a Nintendo, okay?"
(laughter)
And in defense of that Republican congressman,
I get why he was so, like, into this.
It's important for him to make this distinction.
He was like, "Just because you work with someone
"doesn't mean you're friends! Because I am not friends
"with Ted Cruz! You hear me?
I am not friends with Ted Cruz!"
So after seven hours of testimony,
the truth is, we didn't learn anything new.
And to be fair, Robert Mueller warned us about this
a couple of months ago-- he said:
If you call me to testify, I won't tell you anything new.
So he spent most of the hearing today
telling the rest of us to do our homework.
When you talk about the president's pattern of conduct,
that would include the ten possible acts of obstruction
that you investigated, correct?
I direct you to the report for how that is characterized.
Did McGahn do what the president asked?
I refer you to the report.
Again, I, uh, send you to the report
for, uh, uh, where that is stated.
I-I refer you to the, uh, uh, the report.
I direct you again to the report.
I refer to the report on that episode.
Refer you to the report, if I could.
I will send you back to the report.
I refer you to the report!
(laughter)
Poor Robert Mueller, man.
The guy spent two years
writing up an incredibly thorough document,
and now people are badgering him with questions
he's already answered.
It would be like if Jesus came back,
and then we spent hours asking him to explain stuff
that was in the Bible.
"Mr. Christ, the Book of Exodus says that a man
"should not covet his neighbor's wife.
But what if she's, like, really hot?"
"Uh, I think I've answered this in the Scriptures."
"Yeah, but I'm talking, like, smoking hot! Come on!"
Look, I'm-I'm gonna be honest with you guys.
Today was never about learning anything new
from the Mueller report.
Here's what it was. Democrats wanted Mueller to condemn Trump,
on camera, so they would have those bites.
'Cause a lot of people haven't read the report.
And Republicans wanted to use this opportunity
so that Mueller could try and admit
that the whole thing was biased from the start.
But to his credit, Robert Mueller refused
to play partisan games.
He was impartial as his report is.
Well, I assume impartial as his report is--
I haven't read it. I mean, come on, now.
The point is, Mueller wasn't gonna give anybody the answers
that they wanted to hear--
including our own correspondents.
I sent them to Washington, D.C.
with questions of their own.
Mr. Mueller, I'm still hung up on this thing
that I don't quite understand.
In the finale of Game of Thrones,
Daenerys went crazy, burned everything down,
and then the weird-ass bird boy became king?
I would say that's a... generally a summary.
Oh, uh-uh.
Don't watch any white people shows.
Does Empire still come on?
Mr. Mueller, I have one question and one question only.
Where is the clitoris?
I refer you to the, uh, report for that.
Okay, well, I never learned to read, genius.
I was too busy sleeping with women I couldn't satisfy.
So maybe you can draw me a diagram
or point it out on a Ken doll or something?
I'd have to pass on that.
Damn it! I guess I'll never know.
I auditioned for the Cats movie. You seen the trailer?
Yes.
Why does Ian McKellen have a major role?
He had some role, but not a... a major role.
Mm-hmm. But you would agree that I'd be way better
than Jennifer (bleep) Hudson?
I'm not gonna talk about that.
(out of tune): ♪ Memories, all a... ♪
Not gon... not gonna talk about that.
Got it. Thank you for your service.
Great job, team. We tried.