I'm a 2.35 she's awesome
am i addicted to great yes there's this
thing that just says oh there's half a
day on the line like ding you just got a
new match when you've had a bad day or
someone's rejected you you you go
straight back onto the gambling up in
fact they sort of create an atmosphere
that psycho therapist would historically
have regarded as slightly pathological
day in the last week I spent 8 a half
hours on Grindr because I value romance
focus and level of manners and
compassion and empathy for others and I
feel like the era of online dating I
started using tinder and I use that for
years and then bumble that's that's my
profile picture I have pictures there
and I can see how I'd be in review is
gonna get rated like everything else
that's kind of depressing
I started using dating ups probably
around 2nd yogini and it was Grindr I
went straight to Grindr so what we've
got here is the grid this bit is
basically where you can fill in little
details about yourself so high position
there's people who would say things like
no Chubby's no fats fit only I use
tinder mostly that's pretty much the
only one I use I'll use it every day I
talk to people on it quite a lot girth
dates and quite a lot
let's see your profile my profile here's
my profile it's me in the Sun I look a
bit naked but I think it is important to
note that there are some difficulties in
mental health that are arising around
the use of dating apps in fact they sort
of create an atmosphere that
psychotherapists would historically have
regarded as slightly pathological and
narcissistic
the way these apps are designed are
around appearances they're around
non-emotional online communication
rather than offline communication and
they're about ubiquity and endless
promise see cloud yet I've been put off
a bit like online dating generally I
know that you did it but maybe all right
name baby did you have a little bit of a
better time with it the meal how did you
find it when you were doing it I had
some pretty bad stories trying to laugh
it off try to know well it's a nice
story would you love guy who I thought
look lovely and and we met up and it was
nice and it was good and now we're
married so real so can work it can yep
we have a tinder toddler yeah I don't
think we would have met if it hadn't
because I don't know how you
people that could be out in a pub I'm
like oh my god and I just speak to
people in real life but they're still on
all the apps oh mine real life people I
meet it yeah I still on the apps and
maybe they're not motivated to speak to
the girl in the pub because I'll swipe
on the way home yeah
so it's it is this weird feeling of like
leaving the online dating cult and
realizing everyone's still in it so you
kind of kind of screwed either way I
went for a weekend with a guy and we
were getting on really nicely and the
next day I came down and realized he was
swiping on tinder like in the kitchen on
our weekend away and I thought wow you
couldn't even wait till I'd gone home I
kind of feel like those guys are making
me feel like a novelty like a little
variation for you of different ones she
wants to sample ghosting benching bread
coming submarining
if you look at these these are actually
descriptions of behavior that's highly
highly damaging and yet it's been
normalized in these ABS so I've never to
this day Mel the guy who has been from
Grindr am i addicted to Grindr yes
definitely I definitely use it as a
source of validation there's a lot of
pressure to fit this perfect body mode
the six-pack mode the tones the muscular
so I'm just going to show you a before
picture this was taken in 2016 and then
the after it was taken this year in 2018
if I get rejected on Grindr it's
instantly linked
to my way the problem with these apps is
that they focus only on one aspect which
is how we look and it's not only that
it's how we look in a photo and that's
probably how we look in a photo the wave
in some way doctored when we're seeking
validation of ourselves we're not really
seeking validation of how we look how we
look we're seeking validation of
something much deeper
are we lovable I think the the nature of
like the swiping it breeds this idea of
you know like availability of people and
that for me definitely like has kept me
single yeah you can blindside people
where you might actually like be like
have like a really long prosperous happy
relationship with because there's this
thing that just says are there's another
date on the line like something like
ding you just got a new match like loads
and love heart eyes trying to figure out
what to wear tonight for this date first
time ever I'm not going through Grindr
and we actually met through Instagram
iPhones new update has screen time
activity so in the last week I spent
eight hours eight and a half hours on
Grindr yeah I mean it's shocking isn't
it how much time how much time I spend
on it
so there is some questions around about
whether these apps are addictive when
you look at the app itself it's very
clearly has qualities that can in some
circumstances it can encourage addiction
there is a repetitive action of swiping
which everyone knows is soothing in the
case of anxiety and then there's the
dopamine hint that when you've been
searching you get what you've been
looking for which is a match what's
gonna have a job I'm no date
talk with Lucy kiss my Unni what are you
expecting tonight well yeah I wouldn't
say anything serious you know just like
fun just casual the thing is if I if I
was to find someone who was like taped
every box I wouldn't I wouldn't
automatically not want to be in like a
relationship so it's not really about
like men's attitudes it's just that like
well there's just so many [ __ ] out
there there's so many just nasty eyes
I'm sure some people do yeah sure but
like
I think that would be a bit misconstrued
I'm not intentionally like nasty you
know I lay things out how they are but
of course not everybody is going to
treat people badly but what it does is a
sort of creates an atmosphere where it's
much more permissive for us to pursue
self gratification to pursue pleasure
and to avoid peer I don't really have
any expectations I think I've reached a
point now when I go in first dates I try
and limit them out of expectations I
have I think that's just after a series
of bad dates or a series of bad
connections I think I'm very excited by
the fact that I haven't met this is not
someone I've met fruit grinder I think
if it goes well maybe I'll DM more
people but you know I think my addiction
to Grindr is probably much deeper than
that
[Music]
do you use tinder a lot what do you
think about dating out
I mean I'm quite old-fashioned sign that
to meet someone in real life but it
seems pretty hard these days I feel like
if everyone is using tinder then you
just have to help interesting when even
at the bad day or someone's rejected you
you you don't take time to calm and
think you know what was that you go
straight back on to the gambling up to
boost your self-esteem to make you feel
better like I'm still keep I'm still
like that didn't work out but I'm still
attractive if these guys don't want me
so it's a real vicious cycle if you feel
that you're misusing it you need to
start looking at your behavioral
patterns on how they might change go
cold turkey if you want to go cold
turkey but what I would recommend is
that people start with just producing it
turn off your notifications a lot of
times during the day when you can use it
notice when you're craving it and when
you're craving it don't sit on your
hands don't go back your phone don't
send rounds do something else
find something offline that makes you
feel good talk to your friends get some
exercise go for a walk
oh so it was good it's really good and I
haven't been on Grindr sense into why
you ever logged in or any no I trust me
actually at one point I clicked on a bit
more habit of my fingers and I closed it
instantly because I was like okay let's
just this Conda it's a whole new way for
me because got an app it's so easy for
anyone to treat you in whatever way they
want it's just the numbers game like
because chances are the person you're
connecting with is also connecting other
people you might get dropped so you
should then go and like so that's what a
lot of you were doing and I think that's
what he comes into like breadcrumb and
you just keep tons of them lots of warm
keep breadcrumb in them and they keep
them all attached that is horrible
for so human nature yeah it's like
everybody's playing the game right I
have no choice than to play it's like no
one wants to play Monopoly this is gonna
be like deal with these difficulties
that we're seeing in our rooms and that
people are talking about will be the
things that drive us to have better
relationships online and there will be
the things that drive the developers is
about a better more intuitive more
responsible dating apps that cater to
our needs beyond basic appearance
[Music]
you play into roles so much like that
that's a huge thing he play into the
roles that you are expected of and are
expected of you
[Music]
it's easy to get nostalgic about the
past before dating apps everyone could
have been an [ __ ] then and an [ __ ]
now and everyone did fall in love then
and people can still fall in love now
the difference is you run out to find
romance every second of the day
back then it came intermittently when
you connected in real life
[Music]
so you've come off it maybe you will
meet somebody and yeah that would be
lovely to have a partner be great
[Music]
[Laughter]
[Music]
[Laughter]
you