(Music) This is the human test,
a test to see if you are a human.
Please raise your hand if something applies to you.
Are we agreed? Yes?
Then let's begin.
Have you ever eaten a booger
long past your childhood?
(Laughter)
It's okay, it's safe here.
Have you ever made a small, weird sound
when you remembered something embarrassing?
Have you ever purposely lowercased
the first letter of a text
in order to come across as sad or disappointed?
(Laughter)
Okay.
Have you ever ended a text with a period
as a sign of aggression? Okay. Period.
Have you ever laughed or smiled
when someone said something shitty to you
and then spent the rest of the day
wondering why you reacted that way?
Yes.
Have you ever seemed to lose your airplane ticket
a thousand times as you walked
from the check-in to the gate?
Yes.
Have you ever put on a pair of pants
and then much later realized that there was
a loose sock smushed up against your thigh?
(Laughter)
Good.
Have you ever tried to guess someone else's password
so many times that it locked their account?
Mmm.
Have you ever had a nagging feeling that one day
you will be discovered as a fraud?
Yes, it's safe here.
Have you ever hoped that there was some ability
you hadn't discovered yet
that you were just naturally great at?
Mmm.
Have you ever broken something in real life,
and then found yourself looking
for an "undo" button in real life?
Have you ever misplaced your TED badge
and then immediately started imagining
what a three-day Vancouver vacation might look like?
Have you ever marveled
at how someone you thought was so ordinary
could suddenly become so beautiful?
Have you ever stared at your phone
smiling like an idiot while texting with someone?
Have you ever subsequently texted that person
the phrase "I'm staring at the phone
smiling like an idiot"?
Have you ever been tempted to,
and then gave in to the temptation,
of looking through someone else's phone?
Have you ever had a conversation with yourself
and then suddenly realized
you're a real asshole to yourself?
(Laughter)
Has your phone ever run out of battery
in the middle of an argument,
and it sort of felt like the phone
was breaking up with both of you?
Have you ever thought
that working on an issue between you was futile
because it should just be easier than this,
or this is supposed to happen just naturally?
Have you ever realized that very little, in the long run,
just happens naturally?
Have you ever woken up blissfully
and suddenly been flooded by the awful remembrance
that someone had left you?
Have you ever lost the ability to imagine a future
without a person
that no longer was in your life?
Have you ever looked back on that event
with the sad smile of autumn
and the realization that futures will happen
regardless?
Congratulations.
You have now completed the test.
You are all human.
(Applause)