-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.
Thank you so much for watching.
Peaceful protests continued
throughout the country this weekend.
All ages, all races participating,
which should give us all hope.
And I think politicians are hearing the message
loud and clear, which goes to show you how powerful
letting your voice being heard is.
So let's get to some news and some jokes.
Well, guys, it feels like we are living through
some of the craziest times ever.
Good news -- there's a new poll out today to confirm it.
-A new NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll finds 80% of voters
feel that our country is out of control.
-Yeah, if we hit 90% out of control,
every American gets their own show on Bravo, so...
That's right, 80% think the country is out of control.
Right now America is somewhere between Trump's Twitter page
and J.K. Rowling's Twitter page.
Even crazier, 15% of people
think that things are under control.
Yeah. When the Titanic was going down,
these were the people who were trying to get
a drink at the bar. "It's fine.
Can I just get a gin and tonic?
It's a boat. What do boats do, right? They float."
Here's some cool news.
Yesterday Senator Mitt Romney
decided to march with protesters.
Man, you know you're starting to reach white people
when you get the whitest of all white people.
-We need a voice against racism.
We need many voices against racism and against brutality.
We need to stand up and say that black lives matter.
-When Mitt was spotted walking with thousands of people,
everyone just thought he was taking his family to lunch.
That's right -- Mitt Romney marched with
Black Lives Matter protesters.
That's like seeing the Wu-Tang Clan
show up at a Kenny G concert.
Yesterday on CNN, former Secretary of State Colin Powell
shared his reasons for not supporting President Trump.
-One word I have to use with respect to what he's doing
for the last several years is a word I would never have used
before, I never would have used with any of the four presidents
I've worked for -- he lies.
He lies about things.
-Apparently after upsetting black people
and military leaders, Trump decided
let's just roll it all into one.
Meanwhile, in response to calls from prominent NFL players,
Commissioner Roger Goodell released a statement
over the weekend apologizing on behalf of the league
for not listening to players earlier. Take a look.
-We, the National Football League, admit we were wrong for
not listening to NFL players earlier and encourage all
to speak out and peacefully protest.
-You could tell Goodell was nervous 'cause
I think he delivered that from his underground bunker.
That's right. The NFL feels so badly that they're this close
to scheduling another fake workout for Colin Kaepernick.
Here's a fun fact.
I just said Colin Kaepernick's name one more time
than Roger Goodell did.
Well, after hearing all the news,
I know things seem pretty volatile right now,
but don't worry. The President has a plan.
-We are learning the White House is seriously considering
having President Trump give a speech on race this week.
-Apparently Trump wants to get those "country out of control"
numbers up to 100% by this weekend.
Trump is thinking about giving a big nationally televised speech
about race and unity
that's currently being written by six white guys named Dale.
Yeah, on Thursday we'll hear a nationally televised speech
about race and unity, and on Friday,
we'll hear an apology speech for what he said on Thursday.
Trump is giving a speech about race and unity.
It will be like listening to a lecture
on veganism from Joey Chestnut.
For those of you who don't know
the competitive hot dog eating and digesting world,
Joey Chestnut is the champ. Anyway.
If Trump gives a national address,
it will be broadcast on all major television networks,
plus you can watch it on B.E.T. with a laugh track.
Trump may give an address on race and unity.
Then after that, J.K. Rowling will give her thoughts
on the transgender community.
Right now, Trump's giving the unity speech a lot of thought.
He's trying to decide if he should deliver it from behind
the new White House fence or inside his underground bunker.
That's right. Staffers are a little worried about
Trump's speech 'cause he wants to talk about all the progress
that he's made in Wakanda.
Hey, here's some good news.
New York City started partially reopening today.
-We're celebrating, we're back, we're reopening, we're excited.
Our mojo's back.
-Yeah, New York began phase one of its reopening plan today.
Phase two is restaurants and bars.
Then after everyone packs restaurants and bars,
phase three is another three months of quarantine.
It's not just New York City.
Las Vegas has reopened too.
Casinos said safety is their number-one priority
then went back to letting everyone smoke
while they play craps.
That's right. Vegas is open,
but temperature checks are required at hotels.
Security will be like, "Either he has coronavirus
or he just lost 50 grand and is about to tell his wife."
That is our monologue, everybody.