( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪
>> Stephen: HEY!
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY!
SAY HI TO JON BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) COME ON!
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A LITTLE EARLIER IN
THE SHOW, STANDING OVER THERE, I WAS TALKING TO YOU ABOUT DONALD
TRUMP'S HOSTILE RELATIONSHIP WITH THE MEDIA.
IT HIT A NEW LOW FRIDAY WHEN AT AN INFORMING PRESS BRIEFING,
SEAN SPICER BANNED REPORTERS FROM CNN, THE NEW YORK TIMES,
POLITICO, THE LOS ANGELES TIMES AND BUZZFEED.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: IT'S UPSETTING,
BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND, BuzzFeed WAS EXCLUDED
BECAUSE SPICER DIDN'T LIKE THE ANSWER HE GOT FOR "WHICH GILMORE
GIRL ARE YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) SUCH A LORELEI!
AND THIS CAME ONLY A FEW HOURS AFTER TRUMP SAID THIS --
>> I LOVE THE FIRST AMENDMENT.
NOBODY KNOWS LOVES IT BETTER THAN ME.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
IT'S LIKE THEY SAY -- IF YOU LOVE THE FIRST AMENDMENT, SET IT
FREE.
IF IT COMES BACK, DON'T LET IT IN THE PRESS BRIEFING.
AND THE ROOT OF ALL THIS IS THAT TRUMP CALLS ANY STORY HE DOESN'T
LIKE "FAKE NEWS."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I MEAN, THE WHOLE THING IS
JUST -- JUST -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY!
IT'S JON STEWART, EVERYBODY!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY JON, GREAT TO SEE YOU.
>> NICE TO SEE YOU AS WELL.
HOW DID YOU GET UNDER MY DESK?
>> I HAD A TUNNEL BUILT STRAIGHT FROM THE FARM.
>> STEPHEN: YOU CAME HERE FROM THE FARM?
>> RIGHT FROM THE FARM.
>> Stephen: YOU DO YOUR FARMING IN MAKEUP AND A TIE?
>> I LIKE TO LOOK NICE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: JOHN --
HMM?
>> Stephen: YOU MISS IT, DON'T YOU?
>> YES, I MISS IT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> I SPEND THE WHOLE DAY YELLING
ABOUT TRUMP TO THE ANIMALS.
( LAUGHTER ) WE HAVE A BARN SPIDER, DON'T
KNOW THE NAME, WOVE "PLEASE GET A JOB" INTO A WEB!
>> STEPHEN: JON, IF YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THE FARM, YOU'RE
ALWAYS WELCOME HERE.
WE HAVE A CHAIR RIGHT HERE.
THERE YOU GO.
>> OH, THIS IS NICE!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) I LIKE THIS.
IT'S A LITTLE TIGHT.
A LILT TIGHT.
>> Stephen: YES, IT IS.
SO, JON.
JON, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT TRUMP
BANNING THE MAINSTREAM MEDIA FROM THAT BRIEFING AND HIM NOT
GOING TO THE CORRESPONDENT'S DINNER?
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE THE GUY'S GOT THE BALLS TO GET AWAY WITH THAT.
TRUMP LIES MORE IN ONE PRESS CONFERENCE THAN CNN DOES IN A
YEAR, AND THAT'S COMING FROM A GUY WHO HATES CNN.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK AT THIS.
>> GOT 306 ELECTORAL COLLEGE VOTES.
I GUESS IT WAS THE BIGGEST ELECTORAL COLLEGE WIN SINCE
RONALD REAGAN.
>> YOU GUESS WRONG!
( LAUGHTER ) IT WAS SMALLER THAN BOTH OF
BARACK OBAMA'S WINS AND BILL CLINTON AND GEORGE H.W. BUSH.
IT'S THE BIGGEST WIN SINCE REAGAN IF YOU DON'T COUNT
EVERYONE SINCE REAGAN.
BUT WHAT ABOUT THIS?
>> THE MURDER RATE IN OUR COUNTRY IS THE HIGHEST IT HAS
BEEN IN 47 YEARS.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
47 YEARS.
I'D SAY THAT IN A SPEECH AND EVERYBODY WAS SURPRISED BECAUSE
THE PRESS DOESN'T TELL IT LIKE IT IS.
>> NO.
THEY WERE SURPRISED BECAUSE IT'S NOT TRUE!
IT'S NEAR THE LOWEST IT'S BEEN IN 45 YEARS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND THEN THIS ONE IS MY
FAVORITE.
YOU'VE GOT TO SEE THIS ONE.
>> BOMB THREATS HAVE BEEN MADE AGAINST JEWISH CENTERS ALL
ACROSS THE COUNTRY IN THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS.
THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE COMMITTING ANTISEMITIC ACTS OR
THREATENING TO -- >> YOU SEE, HE SAID HE WAS
GOING TO ASK A VERY SIMPLE EASY QUESTION.
AND ITS NOT.
IT'S NOT.
NOT A SIMPLE QUESTION, NOT A FAIR QUESTION.
OKAY, SIT DOWN.
I UNDERSTAND THE REST OF YOUR QUESTION.
SO HERE'S THE STORY FOLKS, NUMBER ONE, I AM THE LEAST
ANTI-SEMITIC PERSON YOU'VE EVER SEEN IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> I DON'T THINK THAT'S TRUE!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
HE SAID THAT TO A GUY WEARING A YAMAKA!
DONALD, YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE LEAST
ANTI-SEMITIC PERSON IN THAT CLIP WE SHOWED!
>> Stephen: JON, THE PRESIDENT EXAGGERATES, BUT YOU CAN'T
POSSIBLY KNOW HE'S LYING ON PURPOSE.
>> STEPHEN, YOU CAN!
>> Stephen: HOW?
BECAUSE HE CONSTANTLY SAYS THE PHRASE "BELIEVE ME."
NOBODY SAYS "BELIEVE ME" UNLESS THEY'RE LYING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: CAN YOU MIGH GIVE ME
EXAMPLE?
>> HONEY, I WAS JUST HELPING STACY TEST OUT HER PERFECT SLEEP
NUMBER, BELIEVE ME.
WHAT?
NO, IT'S JUST A GIANT WOODEN HORSE.
BELIEVE ME. WHAT?
DEMOCRATS IN DISARRAY?
NO, THEY HAVE A PLAN.
BELIEVE ME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: C'MON, HE DOESN'T
SAY BELIEVE ME THAT OFTEN.
>> ROLL 212.
>> BELIEVE ME.
BELIEVE ME.
BELIEVE ME OK, BELIEVE ME.
BELIEVE ME.
BELIEVE ME FOLKS.
BELIEVE ME.
BELIEVE ME, BE-LIEVE ME.
BUH-LIEVE ME.
>> BUH-BULL( BLEEP ).
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
>> BUH-BULL( BLEEP ).
>> STEPHEN: SO YOU AGREE WITH ME THAT BANNING THE PRESS IS
UNAMERICAN?
>> AW, IT'S UNAMERICAN NOT TO LIKE US!
I SAY, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE MEDIA FOR A SECOND.
>> Stephen: SURE, GO AHEAD.
WHICH CAMERA GOES TO THE MEDIA.
>> Stephen: THAT ONE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> HEY, MEDIA.
I HEARD DONALD BROKE UP WITH YOU.
STINGS A LITTLE.
YOU FINALLY THOUGHT YOU'D MET YOUR PERFECT MATCH.
A BLABBER-MOUTH WHO'S AS THIN-SKINNED AND NARCISSISTIC AS
YOU ARE.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) ( LAUGHTER )
NOW IT'S OVER!
WELL, GOOD RIDDANCE.
I SAY -- KICK --
HIM -- TO --
THE -- CURB.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> THANK YOU.
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET YOUR GROOVE BACK, MEDIA.
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU KIND OF LET YOURSELF GO A LITTLE BIT
THESE PAST FEW YEARS.
YOU PUT ON A FEW PUNDITS.
OBSESSING, 24 HOURS A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, ABOUT THIS ONE GUY.
"WHAT'S DONNY UP TO?
DID HE SAY ANYTHING ABOUT US?
YOU THINK HE'S GONNA COME ON?
DO YOU THINK HE LIKES US?
HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO COME HIMSELF.
HE CAN JUST CALL IN!
DONNY, PLEASE!
JUST LET US KNOW YOU'RE OKAY!" ( LAUGHTER )
AND THE WHOLE TIME YOU'RE ALL CHASING AFTER HIM, THE REST OF
US ARE THINKING, "BUT CAN'T YOU SEE HE'S AN ( BLEEP )?"
( LAUGHTER ) NO, YOU TRY TO DEFEND HIM!
"OH, NO, NO, THAT'S JUST PRIMARIES DONALD.
THAT'S JUST ELECTION DONALD.
YOU'LL SEE.
WE CAN CHANGE HIM!
HE'LL GET PRESIDENTIAL!" YEAH, HOW'D THAT WORK OUT?
IT DIDN'T.
YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE 70-YEAR-OLD MEN DON'T GET LESS CRANKY OR RACIST AS
TIME GOES BY -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
UNLESS THEY HAPPEN TO BE VISITED BY THREE SPIRITS IN THE NIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) LOOK, MEDIA,
I'M NOT SAYING THE BREAK UP IS GOING TO BE EASY.
YOU'RE GOING TO SEE YOUR EX SWIPING FAR RIGHT WITH EVERY
TOM, DRUDGE, AND BREITBART.
AND THEY DO ( BLEEP ).
ER( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: JON, WE'RE ON CBS.
IN MY DEFENSE, THEY DO (BLEEP)!
DID I GET US CANCELED?
>> Stephen: US?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT HERE'S MY POINT, MEDIA -- THIS BREAKUP HAS GIVEN YOU AN
AMAZING OPPORTUNITY FOR SELF-REFLECTION AND IMPROVEMENT.
INSTEAD OF WORRYING ABOUT WHETHER TRUMP IS UNAMERICAN OR
IF HE THINKS YOU'RE THE ENEMY OR IF HE'S BEING MEAN TO YOU OR
IF HE'S GOING TO LET YOU BACK IN THE BRIEFINGS, DO SOMETHING FOR
YOURSELF.
TAKE UP A HOBBY.
I RECOMMEND JOURNALISM.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I THINK THIS BREAKUP IS GOING TO BE THE BEST THING THAT EVER
HAPPENED TO YOU.
>> STEPHEN: YOU REALLY THINK THE MEDIA IS GOING TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO SELF-EXAMINE AND THEN GET BETTER AT THEIR JOB?
>> I REALLY DO.
BELIEVE ME.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: JON STEWART,
EVERYONE!
♪ WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CONNIE
BRITTON.