Hey guys.
This is Jack and Clayton.
And in this video, we're gonna talk about the most powerful way to attract the one.
Now that's a bold claim because I'm not quite even sure that I believe that there's just
a one out there for us, but I do know that we all want to find a long-term committed
relationship where we can really be ourselves.
Let down the masks and have a place to come back to where we can experience the sharing
of life…
Right.
With no pretense.
And one of the key things that I said in there was a place where we can be ourselves.
And that is actually the topic of this video because that is the most powerful way to attract
the one.
And now oftentimes that concept of just being yourself it gets criticized by a lot of different
dating coaches because it's like how do you do it?
How do you actually just be yourself?
Because if it was that easy, we'd all just be right in it.
Right.
Just be yourself.
And it can be an incredible struggle, right?
And let's just actually underscore the value of it though just in case you may be wondering,
or it's not completely landed.
Notice two scenarios.
Notice one in which you are hanging out with a really good friend of yours and notice how
flexible you are, charming, how much you can have fun [and] laugh at yourself…
There’s chemistry.
Right.
There's a freedom there.
Yes.
Beautiful.
And then imagine yourself in a scenario with someone that you find really attractive, that
perhaps you want to be with.
Notice how you feel in your body there.
Are you as flexible?
Are you as creative?
Are you as funny?
And it’s often times when we are divorced from ourselves and we're not able to be ourselves,
we are not able to bring our best selves or our full selves to the table.
So, what's your thought on that?
Like how does one begin to just move the needle?
I know this a big concept here that we're really trying to bite off but how do we start
to get closer to this authentic self in the dating and relationship land, so we can get
that partner or start to experience more freedom in our dating life?
Yes.
So, you said that may not be like the one person out there for us.
I think we can agree on that but where we may agree also is that there is the one here,
right?
So, let's talk about becoming the one and in that sense it's not like there's lots of
different ones out there.
This is you.
You are unique and so part of being yourself is actually owning your uniqueness.
And the metaphor that I like to use here is the orchestra.
So, in the orchestra we have you know we have the brass, right?
Which would include say like the French horn, right?
But we also have the strings which would include the violin.
And a violin and a horn are different but equally valuable to the orchestra.
And a horn kind of if you will trust itself to be itself you blow it and it makes a particular
sound.
You as a human being have a particular sound, a particular flavor, a particular expression
if you will.
And this is what being yourself is, it’s actually knowing that you’re a horn and
trusting that and expressing it.
Or, knowing that you’re a violin and trusting that and expressing it but not trying to be
something that you're not.
Not trying to play a game or pretend or mimic or mold or model to be something that you're
actually not.
It's actually just trusting that your own sound, your own voice and expression is good
enough and is what the world wants from you.
Yes.
Now there's something that's coming up for me as you're talking about this because I'm
imagining that if you ever play with that metaphor: a violin trying to be a trumpet
or thinking that it needs to be a trumpet in order to be…
That’s a recipe for failure.
Total recipe for failure.
And I can imagine how exhausting that would be.
Trying to be something different than tomorrow and so if you put yourself in the dating world,
and you are thinking that you need to be different than who you are, and you have to bring a
certain…
Persona or image or presentation.
You’re setting yourself up for more work.
You're setting yourself up for exhaustion and more than likely you're going to attract
somebody else who is in a role.
Somebody else who is not being themselves.
And then suddenly your relationship becomes brittle because rather than having two hearts
in a relationship together, you have to ego structures that are interacting with each
other.
So now when you're hanging out with this person, it's not a place to be yourself.
It's a place where you're acting.
Right.
And you've got to keep reinforcing that you're putting out in the world.
My days of – when I worked in London like the difference of a meeting where you very
much felt like I had to present myself in a certain way to get like the credibility
or respect of in this instance it would be like a headmaster sitting opposite me, this
is where you could kind of go in and just kind of chat and be yourself and that was
good enough.
It's such a different feeling.
One is there's nerves.
I've got butterflies.
I'm anxious.
I'm monitoring myself.
I'm monitoring what I'm saying and like, “does that sound good enough?” versus like, “Here
I am.”
[It’s] kind of like here I am take me or leave me.
[It’s] having the confidence in yourself but actually you are not attracted to Who
I am, that's okay because I know that the right person will be.
That’s really I think where this is going.
It's actually trusting that the one [or] Mr. Right will love and be respectful and attracted
to you for who you are, not for your image, not for your presentation, not for your persona
and not for your projections but for the real you that sits underneath it.Yes.
I love that.
And the other thing I want to say you talked about the heart.
And I'm remembering being with a mentor of mine at a difficult time of my life.
I built a company in London and I was just kind of not into it anymore.
And I remember him saying to me, “Jack where you put your heart you put your life.”
So, you might recognize the feeling of where like your heart isn't in something, maybe
you turn up at work, maybe you had this in your previous career where you kind of turning
up at work every day and you're like, “This isn't really who I am.
This isn't really my heart's not in it.
I don't feel real.
I have to pretend.”
That is also possible for yourself in your relationships, right?
Well you don't have to pretend that you're a nice girl and that you’re actually a badass.
Well, you don't have to pretend you're super intellectual when actually you just want to
dance and be in your body.
It's like you get to be who you frickin’ are.
That’s why this is exciting because you get to relax more.
You get to play more.
You get to be more fun.
You get to be freer.
You get to be yourself.
You get to have life coursing through your veins.
So, what I'm noticing here, this is beautiful.
I’m worked up.
Yes.
Right.
You’re really being yourself right now.
It sounds like there's a shift in focus that occurs, right?
So, in one scenario when you're talking about the meeting.
It's almost like the focus is over there and the type of result of how that person is perceiving
you.
Where when you're yourself, you're not actually focused over there.
You're focused over here on what?
What are you focus on when you're being yourself?
Like expression?
Yes.
Just kind of letting yourself flow out.
And just allowing yourself to speak, to move.
Yes, express is a good word.
Yes.
I love that.
So, all of this just I'm gonna share a story it translates over to say the dating life.
So, in going out and meeting new people, I often hear women and men say you know “dating
is exhausting.”
It's an exhausting experience and I think to myself well what is specifically exhausting
about it?
I mean I know that in one reality going out and meeting new people can be incredibly energizing.
Absolutely.
However, if your focus is over there on creating a good impression over on…
Making sure you like me.
Right.
Are you impressing them?
How are you coming off?
Then suddenly, what becomes exhausting is actually the facade that you're having to
bring to the table.
Image management.
Right.
Image management.
Exactly.
So, that's a key point here in our attempt to help move the needle on authenticity is
notice where you are trying to manage your image with folks: to people that you're dating,
with new people that you're meeting.
The more that you're trying over there to be whatever it is that you think that you
need to be in order to get some type of result, you are creating a schism within yourself
and your authentic self.
The persona and the authentic self.
So, the invitation here is let's say in the dating world is rather than making the intent
of going on these dates to be to impress or to get some type of results or to get a second
date, why don't you make it a container for an experiment for say the next month or two
one in which the primary intent is to show up and be yourself in.
That's it.
It's not to get a second date.
It's not to impress the person.
It's not to get the person to like you or to want to move things forward.
It is just a container [or] a pressure cooker for you to practice bringing that self that
you are around your friends to the interactions.
Yes.
That's awesome.
Right?
So, this shift in focus right there is the thing that may begin to unlock you to that
more authentic self.
Which in turn, and ironically and paradoxically, allows people to get introduced to the real
you and they may just indirectly start to like you more.
Of course.
Right.
Because why?
You're more trustworthy.
You're more fun.
You're more free.
You're more expressed.
You're more real.
And you can also just trust that if that person isn't magnetized or attracted to you that's
actually okay, right?
Because it's like we want your true expression and the true expression of someone else to
be magnetized to one another naturally; not because we're all working so freaking hard
to play a game.
So, you probably get by now the essence of our work and the kind of stuff that we produce
together is very much about you getting to be yourself and be in relationship.
And if that is of interest to you, I really implore you to click the link below this video
and join us on the Three Keys to Being Relationship Ready webinar because it's exactly about this.
[It’s} about distinguishing the places where you are not yourself, learning how to relax
those things in service of you getting to be yourself more often in your dating and
relationship life.
Yes.
So, click the link below this video and register for a time that works for you for the webinar
and we will see you on there.
We'll see you there.