-Alright, everybody calm down.
-Oh! Mnh-mnh, no!
There's something wrong with these lamps!
-Ah, yeah right.
I probably have to get back to work.
-Dude, did you take a [bleep] in your lamps?
-What, in these lamps? I don't think so.
[ Whimsical theme plays ]
-You've found that one special someone
and you never want to be apart.
You dine together.
[ Romantic tune plays ]
You play together.
♪♪
You sleep together.
♪♪
You even bathe together.
♪♪
So, why not share the most intimate moment of them all?
With the Love Toilet.
♪♪
Exquisitely designed,
handcrafted of the finest porcelain,
with flush assembly and float bowl
imported from France,
the nation of love.
The Love Toilet.
[ Flushing ] From Niagara,
the toilet people.
Because, when you're in love,
even five minutes apart can seem
like an eternity.
-The Love Toilet.
Available at all Bambergers and other fine stores.
[ Suspenseful music plays ]
-My fellow conformists,
there is only one approved way
to sit on the toilet.
It has been designed to make you look stupid and feel foolish!
It is against regulation to look cool
or feel confident on the toilet.
This is the way it has always been and must always be.
[ Clang ]
[ Static crackles ]
-No.
♪♪
-What is the meaning of this?!
Go sit on your designated toilet
and feel shame!
♪♪
That toilet is different!
What is that?!
-The future.
[ Rock plays ]
♪♪
Impossible.
No citizen can look cool
while sitting on the toilet.
This changes
everything!
[ Static crackling ] No-o-o-o-o-o-o!
-Introducing the Koohl Toilet by Koehler.
A sleek reverse-bowl toilet that you sit on the cool way:
backwards, with your arms casually draped over the top.
The craftsmanship you expect from Kohler,
coupled with revolutionary design
that brings confidence into the bathroom.
♪♪
[ Zipper whirs ]
[ Chime, flushing ]
♪♪
[ Resonating ]
-Nothing will ever be the same.
♪♪
-The Koohl Toilet by Kohler, coming spring 2017.
Already available in Japan.
[ Telephone rings nearby ] -Hey, Johnson, don't forget:
We need those reports by the end of the day.
-You got it.
[ Rumbling ] Ooh!
[ Inhales sharply ]
Oh, no! -Need to go to the bathroom,
but you have a lot of work to do,
and it's all the way down the hall?
-Yep.
-[chuckling] We've all been there before.
Why don't you check your lamp?
-Huh?
-Check your lamp.
-Whoa!
-Go ahead, do your business.
-Whaddya mean?
-Use it as a toilet.
-Oh! Now, I get it.
-Introducing the Undercover Office Potty,
the only toilet that looks like a lamp,
so you can go whenever you want, and no one has to know.
Just open it up and go to town.
It'll be our little secret.
-Thanks, Undercover Office Potty.
I did good.
-Hey, Johnson, you get around to those reports?
-Yeah, finished them a while ago.
[sotto voce] I had plenty of time.
-Wait, why do you have so many lamps on your desk?
-Huh. I guess I like a lotta light.
-[sniff] Oh, god!
It stinks in here!
-Well, it wasn't me.
I used the bathroom all the way down the hall.
-Jesus! I think it's these lamps!
[sniff] [Bleep], man!
It's definitely these lamps!
Oh, my god!
-Smells like regular lamps to me!
-Hey, Adams, get in here!
-[sniffing] Holy [bleep]
-Alright, everybody calm down.
-[sniffing] Oh! Mnh-mnh, no! There's something wrong
with these lamps! -Ah, yeah right.
I probably have to get back to work.
-Dude, did you take a [bleep] in your lamps?
-What, in these lamps? I don't think so.
-We gotta do something about this.
I'm tellin' Mr. Anderson. -No, please.
♪♪
-Johnson, this is never easy, but, uh,
your coworkers are complaining about your lamps.
-But I go to the bathroom all the way down the hall!
-I'm gonna have to take a look at these lamps.
-[Gasp]
-[sniff] Oh, my god.
Oh!
You lied, Johnson!
You went to the bathroom in the lamps!
Get 'em outta here! -Yes, sir! Sorry, sir!
-Let me guess:
nosey coworkers caught on to the lamps
because you had too many on your desk?
-Yep. -We've you covered
with everyday office items
that you can use as a toilet.
Introducing the...
There's the stapler, the tape dispenser,
and the automatic pencil sharpener.
-Hey, guys, look!
I got rid of the lamps!
-Why is your tape dispenser so massive?
-Hm. I guess I like a lotta tape.
-God, he's goin' to the bathroom
in these oversized fake office supplies!
-I go to the bathroom down the hall.
-What is wrong with you?! -I just need--
Why would you do this?! -The voiceover said
it would save time for business!
-What have you been working on?!
-I don't know! I've been too busy going to the bathroom!
-It smells like [bleep] in here!
-[whimper] Am I fired?!
-Yes! -[Sigh]
[ Slaps desk ]
And take that [bleep] With you.
-Right, yeah, of course.
[grunts] Oh! [ Liquid sloshes ]
-Oh, god! -God!
[ Tender tune plays ]
-You hear about Al?
He passed away.
-Oh, no!
That's awful!
-I'll say.
They found him on the toilet!
-That's so embarrassing!
-Dying on the toilet.
It's every senior's worst nightmare.
You live a life of grace and honor,
only to pass in the most humiliating way imaginable:
ass-up on a bathroom floor,
a loaded toilet rotting behind you.
Thankfully, there's a solution
that's both elegant and dignified.
The Toilet Death Ejector.
When you are on the toilet and you feel yourself dying,
simply press the red button.
-Ooh!
[ Croak ]
-Hydraulics beneath your seat
will propel your dead body forward,
hurl you gently through the air,
and deposit you neatly on your bed.
The toilet will then automatically flush
and release a puff of lavender scent.
Finally, a smart book will fall from the ceiling
onto your chest, to imply wisdom.
Choose from impressive titles like the Bible,
Henry David Thoreau's "Walden,"
or Latest Gladwell.
-I don't know.
That sure seems awfully complicated.
-I'll tell you what complicated:
explaining to the grandkids that Nana died
while taking a giant dump.
No matter what the cause of death is, they're gonna
assume it was the size of the dump that killed her.
So, reclaim your dignity.
-[Gasping]
[ Whir ]
-Hey, Mom, I just --
Oh, no!
♪♪
[ Sigh ]
She was so wise.
-Our team of engineers guarantees
that the Toilet Death Ejector is mostly accurate.
[ Whirring ]
[ Clattering ]
[ Glass breaking ]
-He passed away. -Oh, no!
-It's a shame. But at least he died peacefully,
in bed, reading scripture.
-Oh, that's nice, yeah.
-Only thing was his pants were around his ankles
and there was [bleep] everywhere.
-The Toilet Death Ejector.
Every time you hear that sound...
[ Whir ] an angel gets its wings.
♪♪