- I've never been a rule breaker or a law breaker.
If somebody tells me I can't do something,
I just don't do it.
It's what I've always been like.
Like my sister reminded me recently, she said,
"Remember we were never allowed Space Dust."
You remember Space Dust?
- [Audience] Yes. - Never allowed it,
'cause my mom thought it was drugs.
(audience laughing)
"It's what all the bairns are getting into these days.
They're all getting hooked."
I'm sure she thought it was a gateway drug
to Dip Dabs and fountains.
(audience laughing)
But me dad said, "You've had it now, haven't you?"
And I went, "No."
And he went, "But you're in your thirties."
And I went, "But I'm not allowed."
(audience laughing)
But I had quite a girly relationship
with me mom when I was little.
Like if she got new makeup or new clothes,
she'd always show me.
Every single time she bought new perfume
she'd always say, "Do you wanna smell me new perfume?"
And I'd go, "Yes, please."
And I'd go over to where she was,
she'd bend down 'cause I was only little.
She'd pull her top to one side and I would inhale.
(inhales deeply)
And every single time she'd done a massive fart.
(audience laughing)
She never told me.
For years that's what I thought
Chanel Number 5 smelled like!
(audience laughing)
At best, it's Chanel Number 2.
(audience laughing)
But my sister,
she likes to buy me little presents every now and again.
You know, sort of, she always says,
"I saw this and I thought of you."
And they're never, you know, they're not big and expensive.
They're just daft little things that she's seen.
The most recent one was a pillbox.
"I saw this and I thought of you."
And it's a Mr. Man pillbox
to show children that tablets can be fun.
(audience laughing)
And the Mr. Man of choice is actually Little Miss Late.
(audience laughing)
Finally, somewhere for all of my morning-after pills.
(audience laughing)
But we had a chat recently, me and my mom,
she's got a friend who's quite a but younger than her
who's on the contraceptive injection and, ah...
I don't like the idea of the contraceptive injection
'cause when I was on the pill I had a lot of bother with it.
So it was quite nice to be able
to come off it straight away,
with the injection it's a bit more complicated.
It was a very sensible conversation.
It was a very female conversation,
that my dad chose to interject.
(audience laughing)
Put his paper down, and he went,
"You should never mess with mother nature."
(audience laughing)
(audience laughing louder)
And me mom went, "Never mess with mother nature?
"You can talk, with your metal hips."
(audience laughing)
My dad's a very friendly man.
He likes to talk to people.
He likes to talk to everybody.
He likes to know people's names.
He's the sort of person in a shop,
he will read all of the name badges.
So if we go in a shop,
he gets his change off the lady on the till,
he'll go, "Thanks very much... Jean."
(audience laughing)
We're just glad that he's stopped staring
at an old lady's tit.
(audience laughing)
We got a train last year from London up to Newcastle,
me and my sister, my mom and dad.
Managed to get a table on the train, awesome work.
And we got really cheap first-class tickets
'cause we booked them when I was about nine.
(audience laughing)
And a lady got on the train
and sat across from us on her own.
And me dad was instantly sort of itching to talk to her.
"Stranger. Must chat."
(audience laughing)
And they did have a very minor conversation.
Me dad said something like,
"it's not that cold down here is it?"
And the lady said, "No, it's much warmer
than it is up north."
That was it.
That was the extent of the conversation.
Yet my dad still saw fit in 10 minutes' time,
when the woman removed her cardigan
to go, "Da-da duh, da-da da duh!"
(audience laughing)
When I was in Australia, I missed my family terribly.
And I used to Skype them once a week.
You know this thing of Skype,
where you can see each other through your computer screens?
It makes home feel that little bit closer, I think,
if you can see people's faces
as well as hear their voices.
And they'd sit around their computer,
me mom, dad, me sister, in a semicircle, once a week.
And at the end of every call,
they'd lean in and kiss the web cam.
- [Audience] Aww!
- Which was lovely,
but terrifying the first time it happened.
(audience laughing)
Ahh!
Like I know my sister knows about computers,
and I know my dad used to work with computers.
But I'm pretty sure me mom doesn't really know how it works.
I know that she definitely doesn't know
that I can still see her face,
even when I'm not talking to her.
(audience laughing)
'Cause I'd talk to me mom, then I'd move on to me sister,
and I'd go, "How was work?"
And me mom would do this.
(audience laughing)
But whenever I spend time with my sister
we always go shopping.
'Cause my sister's a really good influence on me.
For example, if I buy makeup, I always buy cheap makeup,
'cause if I buy cheap makeup, I can buy more makeup.
(audience chuckles)
That's how my mind works.
My friend said to me the other day, she said,
"I like that glittery eyeliner you've got on.
"Where'd you get that from?"
I say, "It's just from Asda."
She said, "Really?"
I said, "Yeah." I said, "It smarts a bit,
"but it was only four pound!"
(audience laughing)
And my sister said, "Why don't we just buy one thing
"that's good quality, a bit more expensive and will last."
I said, "That's a good idea."
So I bought a blusher.
And you know how make-up, all the colours have names
these days, don't they?
My blush is called "Orgasm."
I said, "Why does it have to be called 'Orgasm?'
"Why can't it just be 'Fuckin' Peach?'
"I mean, 'Peach.'"
(audience laughing)
Well it'd be more fun
if make up was a little swearier, though, wouldn't it?
"I like your nail varnish."
"Thanks very much. It's called 'Shittin' Red.'"
(audience laughing)
But my sister was determined to embarrass me
in front of our parents.
And she went, "Tell dad what your blusher's called."
"No."
"Tell dad what your blusher's called."
"No."
I said, "Look, we're 35 And 41,
"are you really gonna reduce us to children?"
And she went, "Tell dad what your blusher's called!"
I said, "Right. Shut up, I'll tell him."
So I said, "Dad."
Just gotta limber up for this kinda conversation.
I said, "Dad." He went, "Uh-huh?"
I went, "Me blusher...
(anxious sigh)
"Me blusher's called 'Orgasm.'"
And he thought he'd do a funny joke,
and he said, "When you put it on,
"does it make your face do this?"
And I went, "Whoa!"
(audience laughs loudly)
"Whatever you're about to do,
"you must never do when I am there."
(audience laughs)
God...
I do you have a good relationship with me mum.
You know sometimes in comedy,
you laugh at things because it's familiar,
'cause it's a shared experience?
Sometimes you laugh because you're just glad you're not me?
(audience laughing)
I think this next thing might fall into the latter category.
Let's see if this has happened to anybody else.
Whenever I'm on the phone to me mom,
it always makes me need a poo.
(audience laughing loudly)
Give us a woo if that's happened to you.
(audience cheering)
A few of you, good. I've looked into it,
it's a closeness issue.
It means that me and those people who wooed,
we love our moms more than the rest of you lot love yours.
(audience laughing)
I love my mom so much it makes me shit.
(audience laughing loudly)
Try getting that on a balloon on Mother's Day.
(audience laughing)
Thank God for Moonpig!
(audience laughs)
Well I clearly get this cautious nature from my parents.
When I was little, in order to play out,
me mom would say, "Play out by all means in the back lane,
"but leave the backyard door open,
"and every 20 minutes I want you to come past
"that backyard door and just gives us a little wave,
"so that I know you're all right."
And she'd stand at that kitchen window
for what seemed like hours,
just to make sure that I was safe.
And I know it's just that if I ever got abducted
I'd never be further than Gateshead.
(audience laughing)
It's quite satisfying to see that my parents
haven't changed in the intervening 30 years.
They came to stay with me a few months ago for the weekend.
And on the Sunday night,
they're packing up the car to go home.
And me mom has what she calls her "pretty woman" bags.
Which you know, like the cardboard shopping bags,
as opposed to plastic ones?
I'm glad that I know that's what she calls them,
'cause a month before that I'd been on the phone
when she said, "I've had a proper pretty woman day."
And I thought, "I hope you've been shopping,
"and not just suckin' off businessmen."
(audience laughing)
She's retired, she's got a lot of time on her hands.
But I took me mom, dad, and me sister out
for a nice meal just before Christmas.
And midway through the meal, me mom said,
"When me and your dad go, we're gonna go together."
I said, "What are we talking about, now?"
"When me and your dad go, we're gonna go together."
I said, "Are you talking about a suicide pact?"
(audience laughing)
And she went, "No...
"We're not gonna call it that."
(audience laughing)
So I sort of did the 'what the fuck?' face at me sister.
The...
And she quite calmly just said,
"As long as they leave me a letter explaining it.
"'Cause I'm not gonna go to prison for them."
(audience laughing)
Just getting steadily worse.
So I looked at my dad,
'cause my dad's like the voice of reason in our family.
I looked at my dad and I said,
"What do you think about this?"
And he went, "First I've heard of it."
(audience laughs loudly)
He did genuinely look gutted, as well.
(audience laughs)
Like he had massive plans for what he was gonna do
after my mum had died.
(audience laughing)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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