-Donald Trump has appealed a ruling
in the case over his stolen top-secret documents
directly to the Supreme Court --
and specifically Justice Clarence Thomas,
whose wife, Ginni Thomas, has been implicated
in Trump's attempted coup and whom Trump praised publicly
at a recent rally -- posing a major test
for the strength of our constitutional system.
Also in an equally important story,
Trump reportedly complained
about how awful Rudy Giuliani's [bleep] smelled.
Those two stories are both important.
[ Laughter ]
They are the same level of importance.
We're going to talk about them the same amount
because they matter the same.
[ Laughter ]
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
Every so often a story comes along that makes us throw out
everything we are planning on doing that night on the show,
a blockbuster story
of monumental consequence to the nation.
It happened many times during the Trump presidency --
the Mueller investigation, two impeachments, an attempted coup.
And look, I don't want to say that our audience expects
or needs us to provide this service,
but we feel a moral obligation
to bring you the biggest stories of the day.
Because for many people, let's face it,
and I don't say this lightly, we are their Walter Cronkite.
People trust us to bring them the stories that matter most
and to do it with poise and moral clarity and gravitas.
In fact, Alex, this one is so big,
can we go to black and white?
Great.
And, uh, cigarette, please?
Thank you very much.
Alright, let's do it.
Tonight we begin our show with a story of immense
significance to the future of our nation.
It involves a deeply corrupt ex-president
who poses an existential threat to democracy
and the accomplices around him who aid
and abet his criminal lawlessness.
According to a blockbuster tell-all
by "New York Times" reporter Maggie Haberman...
[ Laughter ]
Alex, I think we can bring the color back now.
That's right -- Trump loudly
complained about his lawyer's stinky dumps.
According to the book...
This is one of those shocking stories
you also definitely could have predicted.
No one thinks Rudy is making good smells.
[ Laughter ]
It's why he's constantly voted New York mayor
at least likely to have his own fragrance.
[ Laughter ]
You know who's most likely? Eric Adams.
I mean, cologne is probably the solution
to the trash problem for him.
"I know that garbage on the street smells bad.
That's why I never leave the house
without putting on some Swagger."
[ Laughter ]
So I'm not surprised Rudy makes bad smells, but I am surprised
it's so bad that Trump complained about it.
I mean, all Trump consumes are Big Macs and Diet Cokes.
He probably has one bowel movement a week
that looks like the scene from "Jurassic Park."
[ Laughter ]
And of course, even as he was running
for the most important job in the world,
that was what Trump was preoccupied with.
I'm sure it happened after he won, too.
"Mr. President, North Korea
just launched a nuclear missile into the --"
"God damn it, Rudy!
What the hell did you do it here?
It's Air Force One, not Air Force number two!"
I'm guessing the reason Trump reacted so fast
was so he could beat Rudy to the punch,
because Rudy definitely has the vibe of a
"don't go in there" kind of guy.
I mean, Rudy immediately confesses
to everything without prompting.
I'm shocked he didn't do it on TV.
Remember all those televised confessions?
-Did our State Department ask you to go on a mission for them?
-They did.
And you know who I did it at the request of?
The State Department.
It's all here. Right here.
-So you did ask Ukraine to look into Joe Biden?
-Of course I did.
-"Did you drink an entire bottle of scotch with dinner?"
"Sure!"
"And did you eat an entire prime rib?"
"Yes!"
"And how did your system
react to that combination?"
"Not well!"
"And did you destroy the airplane lavatory?"
-Of course I did.
-I'm not -- [ Laughter ]
I'm not exaggerating when I tell you
that this is the most important story
we have ever covered on this show.
This is our Watergate.
So many pieces of the puzzle
are finally falling into place.
For example, now we know
why Trump's always complaining about toilets.
-People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times.
Sinks, toilets, and showers.
You don't get any water. We won't talk about toilets.
But, you know a...
tink, tink, tink.
10, 15 --
but we don't talk about that.
Sinks, right? Showers.
And what goes with a sink and a shower?
10 times, right? 10 times.
I won't talk about the fact
that people have to flush their toilet 15 times.
-Now, in the past, when I've heard that,
my reaction has been, even for Donald Trump,
that seems like a lot of flushes.
But now I know there was a second pooper.
Also, I want to emphasize that according to the book,
this happened in 2016 and Rudy still went to work for Trump
for six more years.
I don't know about you guys,
but if my boss made it a point to loudly complain
about how bad the bathroom smelled after I used it
so that everyone else could hear,
my response would not be "I am willing
to go to jail for this man,"
because let's make it clear -- Rudy isn't the bad guy here.
Sure, he can make some dietary adjustments,
but you reach a certain age
and it's going to be what it's going to be.
Trump is the bad guy here.
Being Trump's lawyer is the worst job in the world.
You don't get paid.
You're constantly exposing yourself
to criminal charges.
And he loudly complains about your bathroom smells.
"Rudy, you're a lawyer. Could you help my toilet out?
It's trying to file a restraining order
against your butthole.
[ Laughter ]
Do you guys hear what I said about Rudy?
Did everybody on the plane hear it?"
[ Laughter ]
We should be done with this story by now,
and yet I still have so many questions.
Like, for example,
they make it sound like it was a regular thing.
Why was Trump always going into the bathroom right after Rudy?
Was it just a revolving door
where these two Big Mac receptacles go back and forth,
just absolutely wrecking the airplane bathroom
until they landed?
"Knock, knock, anyone in there?"
"You know it's me, boss!
[ Laughter ]
I came in when you came out."
"Well, it's time again for me, Rudy."
[ Laughter ]
I don't want to be overdramatic here,
but we need a congressional investigation into this.
Liz Cheney needs to work this
into the next January six hearing.
And lest you think I'm being silly, remember,
they did do an entire segment at the hearings
about how Rudy was drunk on election night.
-Was there anyone in that conversation who,
in your observation, had had too much to drink?
-Um, Mayor Giuliani.
-"And how did you know that
Rudy was at the White House that night?"
-"Uh, there was police tape on one of the bathroom doors.
[ Laughter ]
Also, this mask isn't because of COVID."
[ Laughter ]
Now, as much as I'd love
to spend the rest of the show on this story,
and believe me, we thought about going live tonight to cover it,
but the network did not respond to our many e-mails,
there are, I guess, some other
less important stories in the news.
For example, the investigation
into all those top-secret documents
Trump stole from the White House
and stashed in the basement of
his Palm Beach resort/luxury morgue.
And you can rest assured,
you can rest assured there is no possible connection
between Trump's handling of official government records
and the toilet story we just told you about.
-Staff members at the White House residence
discovered wads of printed paper in a clogged toilet
and believe that former President Trump
was trying to flush documents.
-In her new book, Maggie Haberman
of "The New York Times" confirms a habit of the former president
that wasn't just unhealthy for the White House plumbing,
it was bad for the presidency as well.
And she's got the photos to prove it.
-Damn it, we can't get away from this toilet story!
[ Laughter ]
Every time I think I'm out, they flush me back in.
Even more shocking to me is that both these stories
are in the same book
by "New York Times" reporter Maggie Haberman.
She wrote a deeply reported 600-page tell-all
about the most dangerous president
in modern American history.
And to do it, she had to spend a significant amount of time
investigating the weird toilet habits
of the grossest freaks on Earth.
Toilets have never played such a large role
in American history before.
I mean, just look at the index.
Here in the mentions of Mike Pence in the book,
and here are the mentions for toilets.
[ Laughter ]
I mean, that's it, I prom-- No more --
No more toilet stuff!
The point is, Trump's habit of destroying
or stealing official government records,
including top-secret documents
with the most sensitive classified information,
is now under a very intense federal criminal investigation.
So naturally, Trump is once again
trying to manipulate the courts to help him.
In fact, now he's going all the way to the Supreme Court.
And in particular, his appeal was addressed to a justice
who is very obviously and blatantly compromised
in a way that should disqualify him.
-We have some breaking news to report
in the criminal investigation
into Donald Trump's handling of classified documents.
Attorneys for the ex-president made an attempt to block
DOJ's criminal investigation by asking the US Supreme Court
to reverse a ruling by an appeals court
that gives the DOJ access to classified documents
that were seized at Mar-a-Lago.
-Notably, this request from Trump's team
does go directly to Justice Clarence Thomas.
-Clarence Thomas' wife, who is a lawyer,
urged Republicans in state legislatures around the country
to change the outcome of the presidential election.
-No Supreme Court justice in history
has ever been more publicly compromised
by the conduct of a relative than Clarence Thomas.
But today, Clarence Thomas did not recuse himself
when Donald Trump's lawyers filed their appeal
to the Supreme Court directly to Clarence Thomas.
-That's right -- Trump's appeal went directly to Clarence Thomas
because Clarence Thomas is the justice with jurisdiction
over the 11th Circuit Court of Appeals,
which issued the ruling Trump is appealing.
And Thomas did not immediately recuse himself,
which is obviously insane.
His wife, Ginni Thomas, tried to help Trump
overthrow a presidential election.
You can't pretend like that just didn't happen.
That would be like using the bathroom
right after Rudy Giuliani
and not saying anything about it.
I said we wouldn't bring it up again
and we brought it up again. I'm very sorry.
Seriously, Clarence Thomas shouldn't even be on the bench,
let alone ruling on cases directly involving the guy
his wife teamed up with to orchestrate an attempted coup.
For one thing, I seriously doubt they never talked about it.
Can you imagine any married person
saying with a straight face, "Oh, no,
I've never heard any of my spouse's insane opinions"?
Thomas involving himself in this ruling
is even more ludicrous given that his wife, Ginni,
just testified to the January Six Committee last week.
During that testimony, she actually stood by her belief
that the 2020 election was stolen.
And then Trump praised her for it at a rally over the weekend.
-Ginni Thomas, the conservative activist
and wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas,
met today with the January Six Select House Committee.
-We are told that she cooperated,
that she answered every question.
But Chairman Bennie Thompson has also told reporters
that she still believes the election was stolen, Jake.
So after everything we know,
Ginni Thomas is still an election denier.
-I would like to thank a great woman named Ginni Thomas.
Do you know Ginni Thomas? [ Cheers and applause ]
She's a great woman, the wife of a great man --
Justice Clarence Thomas -- for her courage and strength.
She said that she still believes the 2020 election was stolen.
She didn't say, "Oh, well, I'd like not to get involved.
Of course, it was a wonderful election."
It was a rigged and stolen election.
-I do like Trump's impressions of other people
because they're all the same
regardless of who he's talking about.
It doesn't matter if it's Joe Biden or Ginni Thomas.
I'd love to see his SNL audition.
"Next, I'll be doing my Harry Styles impression.
Okay, here we go. [ Clears throat ]
Hi, my name is Harry Styles.
I...I do songs and spit on Chris Pine."
[ Laughter ]
But again, let's step back and process
the order of things here.
Clarence Thomas' spouse urged lawmakers
in several states to overturn the 2020 election.
She texted Trump's chief of staff
and urged him not to concede.
She then repeated those lies to the January Six Committee.
Trump then praised her and her husband at a political rally,
and now her husband is ruling on a case involving Trump's
potentially criminal handling of classified documents.
If that isn't a brazen conflict of interest,
I don't know what is.
This is a conflict of interest
on the level of finding out the Mets' pitching staff
we're secretly all Braves fans, which would explain a lot.
Look, I don't want to pick on the Mets,
but they're the only team in the history of baseball
that could win 100 games and still make their fans
feel absolutely [bleep] miserable.
And maybe this Mets situation doesn't affect all of you,
but I somehow work with every single fan of the Mets,
and they've been walking around all day this week
like they just used the bathroom after Rudy Giuliani.
Which is ironic because we got a few Rudys on the crew.
You know who you are.
[ Laughter ]
As gross and unimportant as the Rudy toilet story is,
it's both, A, very funny
and, B, an example of the kinds of humiliation
the people in Trump's orbit are willing to endure to serve him.
And that orbit now includes the spouse
of a Supreme Court justice who is poised to rule
on a very serious federal criminal investigation
into Trump's handling of classified documents.
Trump has destroyed the integrity
of our nation's institutions,
just as Rudy has destroyed our nation's --
-Toilets! -This...
has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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