(guitar strums)
(audience claps)
- Welcome to Set List: Stand-Up Without a Net
live at Nerdmelt!
(audience cheers)
We're taking comedians,
and we're putting them
in the most uncomfortable place possible.
They're going to come up here and improvise
and entire stand-up routine out of these crazy,
bizarre ideas.
- This is the worst idea for a show I've ever heard.
(laughs) I'm not kidding.
All you do is make comedians nervous.
I mean,
we all want to do it because it's a challenge,
but can't you have a,
do your own set list show?
What I'm saying right now is up on the editing floor,
you can all go fuck yourself.
So sick of my rants ending up on editing room floors.
- Will you welcome,
the never-before seen Set List,
ladies and gentlemen,
of Mr. Todd Glass!
(audience cheers)
- Thank you.
(electronic theme music)
(audience laughs)
- There's a little truth to that.
Next.
(audience laughs)
- Alright, there's that.
I don't really think that.
I'm worried there'll be one person,
just goin, "Why does Todd really think that?
"I thought he was more evolved."
Is that?
(audience laughs)
I have a hard time reading,
I'm not gonna lie to you. (audience laughs)
So let's try to,
I swear to God,
I'm not being sarcastic.
I can't really.
You gotta help me with this.
That is weird.
I love bacon. (audience chuckles)
How about Jim Gaffigan's joke about bacon?
That's fun, right?
Why should I try to do a better joke?
His is good,
I like it.
Bacon,
I like bacon.
(audience laughs) Go YouTube it.
It would be funny if you were watching a show
and some comedian goes, "I have a bit about bacon,
but watch Jim Gaffigan's."
And then we'll wait, (audience laughs)
like we literally just have dead air,
and people have time to go do it.
Alright, that's not,
I don't wanna mock this show,
it's not nice.
(audience chuckles)
Alright.
Alrighty, so there's,
that's fun stuff.
Right?
That's funny all by itself.
Give me the next one.
(audience laughs)
Who needs to work on that, right?
It's like, "Haha!"
(audience laughs)
That's like bullshit, right?
Come on.
This is fuckin' stupid,
isn't it?
Come on,
give me something to work with here.
Whoever did the cue cards,
you don't know my act?
You couldn't have put one God damned thing
that was coincidentally from my act?
Someone knew.
Someone did this today.
They knew I was coming up here,
and they also knew I was very nervous.
This is the most fun for me to do,
and also I shit in my pants.
(audience laughs) So I hope that making fun
of it sort of works,
but who knows?
(audience laughs)
I'm a rebel.
(audience chuckles)
(audience member laughs loudly)
(Todd snickers quietly)
(audience laughs)
Come on, folks!
That was funny.
What type of fuckin' rebel would I be?
(audience laughs) Alright, that was for there,
right?
No?
(audience laughs)
Hmm.
I got somethin' maybe right here with this.
(audience laughs loudly)
I do have a funny,
(audience member laughs loudly)
Funny thing.
Alright,
there's enough of that.
You think?
Alright, um.
Really?
The guy running it thinks, "I think you get more
"out of that."
(audience laughs) I know.
I'd be doin' it.
The guy's running it right now.
He's watching me right now and listening to me, "No,
"he's doin' good.
"Let it stay on that a little longer."
Ay-yai-yai.
So, um,
(audience members chuckle)
I know this seems unprofessional,
and I swear to God I'm being honest,
I did smoke marijuana before the show.
(audience chuckles) I like to tell people I'm high
because then I think they go, "Oh."
(audience chuckles) Right?
And then they're nicer to you.
People are nicer to you when you're high.
Somebody goes, "Stop telling everyone you're high."
I go, "Fuck you.
"I wanna tell people." (audience laughs)
I have good experiences from telling people.
Alright, so there's that. (audience chuckles)
Oh, put that back!
(laughs) Like I'm gonna have something for it (laughs).
(audience laughs)
Ooh, put that back.
I think I have something.
And then,
[Mumbles]
Well, (laughs)
(audience laughing)
It's so hard.
Either way,
it's hard.
Even if I'm not high,
it's hard.
I've done it.
That sounds gross.
They could,
some morning show will take snippets
from that and play it all morning.
(audience laughs)
Alright, here's where I'll wrap it up.
(audience chuckles)
One time someone told me Hitler used
to eat a whole cake,
everyday.
They go, "Isn't that crazy?"
That's what they said,
and I know what they meant,
but still.
That's not as crazy as some other stuff he's done,
right?
(audience laughs)
One thing in particular,
like I made my opinion up about Hitler.
It's not like I'm not still needing one more thing, "I
"don't know.
"There's definitely something weird about him, but,"
(audience laughs) And then someone goes, "You
"know he ate a whole cake everyday?"
I knew it was something,
he's like a fuckin' sicko isn't he?
(audience chuckles)
Thank you, goodnight.
(audience claps and cheers)
At first I thought, "Go out there and just do it."
But then,
I got up there and I'm like, "Well.
"Nothin's comin' to me."
(laughs) The old way,
it would say, (laughs) "Dogs."
Or, "The mall."
That I can do.
This new way is hard.
There's nothin' funny about women not having rights.
(laughs)
(audience cheering)
- Todd Glass,
ladies and gentlemen!
(quick-paced synthesizer music)
(playing cards woosh)