I love the requests that we get from you, the viewers. And one of you asked this,
"Dr. Paul, can you do a video on how to handle an interfering mother-in-law?"
Actually, I can. You ever wonder where all of the mother-in-law jokes and all the
mother-in-law stories come from? It's because people actually have these
experiences. You know what, though? Most people don't want to be that person.
That's going to be really important as we come back to how to handle it
in just a little bit. First, let's review our 5 key relationships. Now, this is
Dr. Paul's opinion, okay? I've just... And I've earned it. I've developed this
opinion over almost 3 decades of clinical experience working with people
just like you. And I've come to this conclusion. There are 5. And in this
order: Number 1, your Creator. I'm not here as your spiritual guide or
as your ecclesiastical leader. I'm just acknowledging that it's really important
for us as human beings to come to some sense of where we came from. Our source.
Our Creator. Whatever that is for you, connect with that. That's your number 1
key relationship that gives purpose and meaning to the other 4.
Number 2 is yourself. Some people skip this one they forget that it's even a
relationship. But it absolutely is. And honestly, if I treated you the way you
treat you, would we still be friends? Pretty good question to be asking
yourself. How do you treat the number one person in your life? After your Creator,
it's you. You're next. And we've got other videos where we can talk about that. It's
important to keep that in context. Number 3, family. You're glad that I went
there, right? Because your family is so important to you. But there's a line up
within family. Within the category of family, it goes first, spouse. That person
that you're married to. That person that you have
a permanent committed relationship with, number 1, family relationship bar none.
Number 2 within family, children. As a parent, that's your next most important
relationship. After your spouse is the relationship with your children. And
third, extended family. Oh, that's where mother-in-law fits in. I'm not saying
she's not important. She made the list. I'm just saying let's
put it in order. Because she's not as important as your spouse or your
children and your relationship with those people. Keep that in perspective.
After family, your fourth key relationship is other people. Outside of
your family. This includes people in your community, people in your church, people
at school, people at work. Starving children in Africa, they all make the
list. They're all important. They're just not as important to you as your family.
Got it? And then after number 4 comes number 5. That is your relationship
with things, stuff, property, money. All of the stuff in your life, you have a
relationship with. When we look at it that way, we start to handle it
differently. It's a word that I call stewardship.
That's your relationship with things. Now, why did I spend the time going through
the 5 key relationships. If we're going to figure out how to deal with an
interfering mother-in-law, we need to know where she is on the hierarchy. Again,
she made the list. She is in fact your extended family. And that makes her
important. She's not as important as your spouse or your children and that's going to
help to drive some of our decisions. Few years ago, a movie came out that I got to
watch with my daughter. And I love those daddy/daughter dates where Lindy and I
get to experience something together. This particular movie was Cinderella. Yes,
it's a newer version of Cinderella. a live-action. And it's well put-together.
I really enjoyed the movie. There's one part in the movie right in the beginning
where Cinderella's mother... Not the wicked stepmother, that we all hate. Her mom who
passed away told her this: "Have courage and be kind." That was basically her dying
wish for Cinderella that she would have courage and be kind. Can we implement
both of those things? As we figure out how to deal with an interfering
mother-in-law, I want you to have courage. That means you're going to have the
conversations that you've been avoiding having. I'll give you a little formula
for that in just a minute. But you're also going to be kind. You do not have to
be mean about this. In fact that would spoil the whole thing. So, be prepared to
follow Cinderella's mother's advice. Have courage and be kind. As I'm sharing these
ideas with you, I keep thinking of other videos we have right here on the channel
in the positive relationships resources playlist. Would you just check that out. I
think you're going to find there some resources that will be helpful to add on
to what we're talking about in this particular video. Because the next point
is communication. We've got some other videos about that. Communication is the
key. Remember, you are dealing with another human being who is also an adult,
who also loves you. I know, you might have to swallow hard on that one and just
wrap your head around it who also loves a lot of people that you love. The fact
that she's your mother-in-law suggests that she loves someone that you love and
she probably loved them first. Well, I have some empathy around that. I talked
about the influencer quadrant in some of our other videos on communication.
Basically, the short version is making sure that your focus stays on how other
people feel about themselves. When we focus on how we feel about ourselves, we
tend to get anxious and insecure. When your focus is on
that other person feels about herself, that puts you in a position of the
influence and will allow you to have a different kind of a conversation. We
won't get into all the details about how you stay in that green influence
quadrant on this particular video. That's why we've done all the others. In
that communication mode, there's a specific strategy that you can use that
I think is going to forward this conversation. Let's go there next. We've
used this strategy in different applications on other videos. Here's what
it is. Identify, verify and accept. You're not
even gonna do this until you've wrapped your head around what I've already asked
you to do --have courage and be kind. Put the focus on how someone else feels
about themselves. You got to get out of your own way enough that you can
actually effectively pull off this particular conversation. If someone is
interfering... Let's say that in this case it's the mother-in-law. And maybe she's
trying to tell you how to raise your kids. Oh, yeah. I've never heard that one
before, huh? That's blowing my mind right now. Okay. It happens, right? And maybe it's
happening to you. So, if that's the scenario, you want to first identify. Put
it in this format: When this happens, I feel this. So, it might sound like this,
using her name or whatever title you have agreed to. I know that's a whole
other conversation. But let's say that it's Carol. Okay? "Carol, when I hear
instructions from you about how to raise my kids,
I feel devalued or untrusted." Okay, now I'm just making that up. But whatever it
is that you're feeling, that's what you put into that phrase.
When this happens, I feel this. Do not accuse. "Hey, you are..." whatever, okay?
"You keep bossing me around." Whatever. No, don't go there because that will just
trigger defensiveness. It's "When this happens... When I hear instructions about
how to raise my kids, I feel devalued or untrusted." That's the
identify step. Now, we're going to move immediately into the second step which
is verify. You're going to give her chance to own it or not. And it sounds like this:
"Is that what you were going for?" No, people that I never say this. This is a
different way of communicating. Just roll with it for a minute, okay? Is that what
you were going for? Was that your agenda? Was that your objective? Is that what you
wanted to accomplish? Pick something that fits the way you might talk but put it
in that format. To verify is that what you were going for.
Now, you pause briefly. So, you do steps 1 and 2 right on each other's heels.
"When this happens I feel this. Is that what you were going for?"
Now, you pause. 95% of the time Carol's going to backtrack right about now. Okay? "Oh,
no sweetie. No, not at all. That's not what I intended to do." Okay. And she's going to
talk for a few minutes. Fine. Whatever she says is totally fine. She might turn it
back on you. "Oh, you're so sensitive. See, this is why I told my son he should be
careful about marrying you in the first place." I don't know where Carol's going
with this. It doesn't matter. You're just going to listen to whatever her response is.
Maybe she's actually going to own it. "Yeah. Yeah, that's what I was going for." Oh,
who has that mother-in-law? Oh, my gosh. Whatever she says, doesn't matter because
you're going to step 3. Accept. Remember, identify, verify, accept. Accept
sounds just like this: "Okay." That's it. "Okay." You simply say okay no matter what
she said. This is really powerful because it puts her on notice that the way she's
treating you is having an impact that she may not have intended. And honestly, I
don't think that she wants to make things worse in the family. I know a lot
of mother-in-laws. Some of you are mother-in-laws. You know that this is
true. You want things to be good. This kind of a conversation can illuminate
what the problems are in that relationship. If it gets worse than that,
I've got another video called how to deal with toxic family members you can
hook to that one right up here and watch it next if you want to. That might add to
what we've discussed in this video. Hope you found that helpful. Sometimes, the
videos aren't enough. That's why we've put together some other resources for
you. Click on the link down below that hooks
you into a free breakthrough call with a member of our coaching team. We would be
happy to have a private conversation with you about what you're dealing with.
Maybe we can hook you into some other really powerful resources that way. The
free breakthrough call. Click on it down below.