Transcriber: Jia Cao Reviewer: Emma Gon
When I walk around my neighborhood or at my work,
people often recognize me and say, “Hello, Paul.”
When I walk around small areas such as the corridors at work or in my office,
people usually look me in the eyes and say, “Hello, Paul.”
I always greet them in kind and I’ve never really thought much of it.
But recently I've had an unsettling experience that has made me question
where people should look when they greet me,
particularly if I look deeper inside myself and ask, “Where is Paul?”
I'm a radiologist, and every day I have the privilege of looking inside people.
One day in 2014, that person was me.
This is an MRI of my brain.
This is me.
In a way no one had ever seen me before,
not even myself.
An MRI is a magnetic resonance image.
It's a way of looking at the brain using its fundamental magnetic properties.
This is the front of my brain.
This is the back of my brain.
This is the far left of my brain.
This is my left eye,
my nose,
my right eye and the far right of my brain.
At the bottom of my brain is my spinal cord
that connects my brain to the rest of my body.
When people greet me, they usually look at my eyes,
probably because they feel that
somewhere behind my eyes is me.
Now, all the people who have greeted me in my life can’t be wrong.
So I must be behind there somewhere.
I must be there because everywhere I go,
I always take myself with me.
I spent a long time scrolling through these images.
So what is behind my eyes?
Let’s take a look at what modern neuroscience tells us.
The brain is a vast mess of connections
made of neurons and tissue frameworks.
And neuron is simply a cable
that connects two parts of the brain to each other.
It uses fine electrical chemical impulses
across very thin membranes to communicate this signal.
It’s fundamentally a simple building block.
The magic lies in how these connections connect.
Each part of the brain has a specific purpose,
and I will start arbitrarily at the central parts of the brain
that are responsible for respiration,
circadian rhythm and temperature control.
Below this area is again the spinal cord
that connects the brain to the rest of my body.
Behind this area, a region for fine reflexes,
above that, areas for visual spatial control and motor control.
Around the center of the brain, areas for emotion and memory.
And right in the front of the brain, there is for calculation and thought.
And that’s it. There is, of course, more detail to each of these structures,
but that is the limit of what exists inside my brain and my code.
As I scroll through these images endlessly,
I couldn’t help asking myself,
“But where is Paul?”
If when people greeted me
instead of looking at my eyes or my face,
if they could see my brain, where would they look?
Now, before we answer this question
let’s take a look at what emerges from our understanding
of everything that is behind our eyes.
And they are three important processes.
When we look at the brain of a young child,
we can see all of the neural elements evolving.
As this child gets older and is perceived to be growing up,
what is happening is the child is growing in connections.
It was a primal force that drives the neurons
to connect in more complex structural frameworks.
Simultaneously external to this,
everything else is concerned with bringing oxygen
and nutrients to the brain.
While the neurons focus on connecting,
the body focuses on continuing.
So, the first process is connecting
and the second process is continuity.
Connect, connect, connect and never stop.
I did say there were three processes,
and the third process occurs the moment
the first two processes become aware of themselves.
Here I'm referring to consciousness.
There is a large body of work on consciousness.
To remain within the mainstream definition
we can say that somebody is either conscious or not conscious
and that there is a drive for consciousness to expand
what it can perceive, to be aware of more.
And this parallels the drive to connect and continue.
Now, neuro development does not occur in isolation,
it is driven by complex internal and external stimuli
and in space and time forms a blueprint that connects us to our world.
These are the connections that teach us that a thorn pierces our skin,
and so we don't grab a thorny bush.
These are the connections that help us recognize our family and friends
in a crowd so that we move towards them.
This is the endless stream of connections
and stimuli that become our mind.
As our neuro development is connected to the external environment,
it is also subject to decay, degradation and destruction.
This is an MRI of somebody who recently had a stroke.
A blood vessel has become blocked and can no longer supply oxygen
and nutrients to this part of the brain.
The neurons die and the brain is unable to replace those neurons.
What we see as the brain begins to heal
is neurons in the same area begin to connect more.
The drive to connect is endless,
limited only by the ability to provide enough resources and protection.
So as I stand here today, me, Paul,
I’m aware of myself as containing billions of neurons
or trying to connect more and trying to find resources to survive.
And this is the same for you. This is the same for everyone.
In fact, this is a MRI of my friend Ahmed.
This is the MRI of Ahmed and me side by side.
The shape is slightly different, but all the same brain structures are present.
But Ahmed and I are very different.
Ahmed loves all the bushy tea and I really don’t.
With each experience, as we grew up in different countries,
different cultures, different families,
we formed unique neural connections.
We share a drive for our neurons to connect in ever more complex ways.
But each connection is unique,
and these unique connections are what form our unique personalities,
hopes, dreams and fears.
I am a function of a drive for infinite connections
and infinite continuity caught in a finite body.
My experience of these connections is my mind
as it connects with the internal and external environment.
This is what I learnt from looking at an MRI of my own brain.
I can see in exquisite detail every structure and connection
that has brought me here today
and everything that I am is on that screen.
I can’t be anywhere else.
In the year subsequent to my first MRI in 2014,
I certainly learnt a lot of what was behind my eyes.
But now I know that I am not there.
Whenever somebody looks at my eyes and greets me,
I know she is not greeting my mind.
She is not greeting the unique model of my complex neural connections.
None of these finite things that I have described.
I have begun to quiet my mind.
Whenever somebody greets me and whenever I greet somebody else.
No thought for just a moment.
I want to remove all of my connections.
I want to remove everything that I can see on an MRI from my experience.
Then I greet them and they greet me.