so anyway i just want to mention this one thing it was uh a saturday something
terribly exciting happened to me and and you know how good it is when something happens
that you know you will remember the rest of your life that only happens maybe a handful
of times yeah if you're lucky in in your lifetime so here's what it was on saturday
morning now i have to set the scene for you may have to use your imagination i'm in montana
it's it's the treasure state yes and i think probably the whitest of all states
i believe so it's just hugely well massive yeah so it's it's a 459 because i know this because i look
at the little digital readout on the clock it's 4 59 a.m and i hear a noise and i think to myself
probably the wind and in montana that's always a pretty good bet yeah so i go back to sleep
for about 10 minutes until i hear another noise and this time it's more pronounced more defined
but yet i think oh crap it's ten after five i ain't getting up i'm just not gonna get up so
i went to sleep for another half an hour and finally i hear what sounds like somebody in
the kitchen making breakfast okay and i said to myself well that's a good thing isn't it
it might be somebody in the kitchen making me breakfast i i don't recall setting it up
i don't recall organizing it but god bless them if they're making breakfast yeah sure
so i went back i went back to bed for like another ten minutes because it's it's still
not even six o'clock so finally the the noise becomes so cacophonous there is so much noise
coming out of the kitchen even if it's people making me breakfast they're doing a horrible job
so i i get up and i open the the bedroom door and i reach around the little thing there and i turn
on the light and and right in the next room is you have your living room and your sorry your dining
room and then you have your kitchen and i opened the door and they're standing in my kitchen is the
largest bear i've ever seen in my entire house get out get out of here a huge yes grizzly bear well i
don't know how big but he was the biggest bear i've ever seen in my kitchen sure i understand
okay well i closed the door and and he he had trashed the kitchen i mean he pulled
the refrigerator out of the thing he had pulled open the bottom drawers and just twisted them
like like little gum wrappers he had he ate half a chocolate cake he ate a dozen bananas yeah he ate
two oranges he ate a peach he chewed up the peach and spit the peach pit out into the dog's bowl
okay he ate he ate a jar of frosting he had two pouches of beef jerky
he slid open the drawers and got out some candles oh good you know for ambiance
he opened another door pulled out some hot dog buns ate the hot dog buns and
and and had was climbing up and just kind of sniffing around and had turned
on the faucet the water was running oh really i mean he had something in mind
orange yeah so so so i i i close i close the door and i and i call my friend a chip who lives
in town who sort of runs everything and knows everything and is really smart and really good
and a marine and he's the guy you want to call when you get a bear in your kitchen so he says
yes that's right so it's like a 40 miles from town to the house and
he gets there in 11 minutes and and so uh for the next two or three hours it's me and chip walking
through the house with flashlights and the bear gets tired eating everything so then we see him
walk down the hallway he walks down to the hall turns in the left and goes into another bedroom
so i go around the corner and oh i see him in the bedroom so we open that door thinking maybe
he'll come out and so then all of a sudden we can't see him again and i think oh my god
he's going downstairs now you get a bear in the basement you're really screwed so i i go down
in the basement with a flashlight and he's not down there and then i come up and as i come up
the bear is crossing from one bedroom into the next bedroom and it's just like oh good morning
he go goes into into the bed at the room and lies down and goes to sleep so now now i close the door
on the so he can't get out that way and open the outside but he's not coming out
he's in there asleep so i got some some lacrosse balls and now i'm throwing the balls at the bear
and he just he doesn't care he doesn't care about anything all he wants to do is nap so
he's stretched out the bear was in my house for five and a half hours
so finally chip my friend the genius he says you know what we need m80s
we got to get us some 80s so he calls this this high school kid in town brandon and he says
brandon
can can you get out here with some meme 80s so all right so now brandon comes out so me and chip are
standing in the driveway and in the meantime the hurrah the house is now surrounded by a herd of
bighorn sheep how did that it's like circus vargas or something i just was crazy uh so now uh brandon
shows up and and chip takes the the m80s in and he starts you know dropping him into the bedroom
where the bear is finally the the bear comes out and here let me show you what this guy looks like
okay this is him sitting in the bedroom maybe you can see that's him you see him in there
you think i'm making this crap up
finally he's coming out he's decided he's going to leave the house
and i'm telling you he couldn't have been cuter he couldn't have been sweeter
and was was not aggressive and and just very very dog-like and
here he is finally thank god after five and a half hours heading for the hills
so that was my saturday that's some yeah
but if if you ever are in that situation call a high school kid
get those m80s your problems are over ladies and gentlemen what a day now i want to just
follow up on one thing monday night i told this story about a bear breaking into my house and
fixing himself breakfast and and i told about the the damage that he had done and then and today
uh my friend in montana shipped me uh part of the damaged refrigerator oh yeah yeah so he
he got in and he turned on the faucet and he was eating bananas and he pulled the refrigerator out
right and he had chocolate cake and he was eating fudge frosting and he had oranges and some beef
jerky and an apple and a and a peach and then he spit the peach pit into the dog's bowl because
you know he's smart the peach pit those those are poisonous you can't be eaten though so
he just left a little something for the dog kind of a little hey
uh so anyway today i'm now getting remnants of the the
big breakfast uh the the kitchen mauling now this this is a sliding drawer out of a like a
refrigerator right sliding drawer yeah yeah and where you would put
and it would contain zucchini and carrots okay he was not interested in the zucchini and character
he wanted more chocolate cake okay but it was made oh look at that oh my goodness
ah that's solid that's solid metal yeah twisted it like a gum wrap i sure did
here now is the bear making his escape this is him this is after breakfast he's had enough
actually that's the real thing yep and there he goes
i'm gonna calling allstate about my bear policy
i hope your guy i know you're covered yeah i hope you're you've got to be yeah