We spend a lot of time, here on the channel, talking about the eye contact, the body language,
tonality, basically, all of the surface-level aspects of charisma. But, I want to take a
step back today, and I want to talk about the mindsets that underpin all of those things,
because when you're having a conversation with someone, it becomes very, very difficult
to focus on the eye contact that you have, as well as the tonality that you have, and
the gesticulations all at the same time.
When you get the mindsets firmly set in place, all of those sorts of things that are surface-level
tend to just flow easily. So, today, I want to talk about 6 mindsets--that's 6 mindsets--that
lead to the kinds of charismatic behaviors that are going to make your life much, much
better, in terms of social, professional interaction, and those mindsets are, starting with number
1. No matter what, I will be okay. In my opinion, this is the most fundamental mindset to charisma,
because so many people live their life wrapped in this sort of mental loop of "what if" questions,
right? What if I speak up and my boss doesn't like my idea? What if I ask this girl on a
date and she says no? What if I lean in for a kiss, and, even worse, she ducks away, right?
What if I would ask this person to go, just as a friend, out to coffee and they said, "I was
busy," that's it?
All of these sorts of things stop people from acting, from speaking up, from expressing
who they really are. Now, in the social context, what you need to realize is that the repercussions
for even the worst case scenario of every single one of these, are not so bad. You'll
recover from this. If your boss doesn't like the idea, fine, move on. If a girl doesn't
want to go on a date with you, probably better that you know, rather than spending six months,
trying to figure out which signal is she sending that indicate that she does?
So when you can get that mindset that no matter what, I will be okay, and I apply this to
the social theater. I don't necessarily mean that you need to extend this to jumping out
of 40-story buildings, but, socially, no matter what happens, you will be okay. That enables
you to act with a sort of freedom that most people never ever experience, and that means
that you can risk social things in terms of cracking jokes, expressing ideas, asking people,
expressing how you feel. That means that you can risk that more than other people. And
when other people see that you seem to have this immunity to social pressure, that you
are expressing who you are more, they will naturally gravitate towards you because that
is the strength that most of us really, really want to have in ourselves. The most fundamental
piece, "No matter what happens, you will be okay." If you ever find yourself stuck, not
knowing if you should speak up, come back to this belief. It is so critical.
The second belief: "I care more about my character than about my reputation." Now, this is basically
a quote from John Wooden that I have turned into a belief. But if you take that idea that
your character is more important than how people perceive you, what you realize is that
the way that you are matters more than the way that people think that you are.
So many people spend their lives trying to manage the opinions of other people, right?
Well, they think this if I do that. What happens if I do this? Even if I say the truth, they're
still not going to believe me, right? When you focus on just doing the right thing, worrying
about your own character, and, then, letting people form opinions about you, what happens
is people see that you're not overly invested in controlling how they feel, which
makes them go, "Wait a second. If they don't care so much about how I feel, I can trust
them to be genuine." So it's kind of paradoxical, but if you focus on your character and you
stop investing so much effort into controlling people's opinions of you, what tends to happen
is that not only do you feel that freedom to act and be who you are, but people will
have better opinions of you. It sounds crazy but it is absolutely true.
The third belief, and, in my opinion, this is the one that is the least emphasized and
needs to be talked about much, much more, and that belief is that you have impeccable
honesty and impeccable integrity. Every single time that you tell a lie, even if it's only
a little, little lie, like, I'm on my way, when, really, you're still getting dressed
and showering, or if it's a big lie, on the other side; the type of lie that could potentially
ruin a relationship. No matter what it is, even if you don't get caught, even if there's
no negative consequences to the relationship, the problem is that you build a reputation
with yourself when you lie. And that reputation is that sometimes, you say words that aren't
true. Sometimes, you are not to be believed. And even if no one else finds out, you know
this. Now, this absolutely devastates your ability to speak with conviction, and this
is critical to charisma.
The ability to look someone in the eye and speak in a way that says to them "I believe
100% the words that are coming out of my mouth. The things that I say, I'm fully standing
behind." When you lie, sometimes, you hurt your ability to speak with conviction all
the time, because in the back of your head, no matter what you're saying, you know that
sometimes you lie, and that comes through in little gestures. It can come through in
a flinch, in eye contact, in the little waver of the voice, whatever it is, that is going
to break through. So, my recommendation to you, if you identified someone, which is likely
that sometimes lies, is to cut that shit out today. And the truth is, there's going to
be a penalty to pay, right?
If you started building a life that is predicated on a handful of convenient lies that might
have seemed worth it at the time, walking them back and exposing the truth can hurt.
My advice, when I get questions about this, 90 to 99% of the time is to do it anyway.
Are there situations around the periphery where it is just not worth it, or somebody's
on their deathbed, and you don't need to tell them that you don't believe in God because
they do believe in God. Sure, there are times that fall under that circumstance, but for
90 to 99% of those situations, where you're not sure, "Should I tell the truth or shouldn't
I?" The answer, even if it's damaging to that relationship is "Yes," because if you don't
tell the truth, you are crushing your own self-esteem, you are crushing your ability
to speak with conviction, and to form genuine relationships in your life. So, that is a
huge, huge belief, and it requires action.
The fourth belief is that you do not need to convince any of any particular belief,
action, anything. You don't need to convince anyone. And I know this sounds crazy coming
from this channel because if you've seen some of our other videos, we've talked about how
to be more persuasive, how to get people to want to do the things that you might like
them to do. So how do those two things square together? The idea behind those persuasive
videos, how to be more persuasive, is that what you're learning how to do is to make
your acts more persuasive; it's to increase the odds that someone wants to do the things
that you would like them to do. But the idea is not that you repeat that cycle over, and
over, and over again, and badger someone trying to make them do the things. You never need
anyone to do anything. You are simply asking them.
Now, where people run into trouble is when they have relationships in their life that
they feel like they absolutely need to get someone to work a certain way. They need the boss
to feel a certain way. They need a boyfriend or a girlfriend to behave a certain way, or
a particular boy or girl to like them back so that they can date. They need a family
member to change their behavior, then you enter into neediness. Then, you are entering
into trying to convince when you've gone back and forth over the same issue many, many,
many times. What happens, then, is that your charisma is destroyed, because you need something
from that person.
The charismatic person simply asks, and, then, decides. Okay, if the answer is yes, great.
If the answer is no, can I deal with this person and this relationship in this way that's
acceptable to me, or do I need to filter this person and this relationship out? This can
be very, very hard. I recognize this when talking about old friends, family members.
This can be tough, but if someone is not treating you the way that you'd like to be treated,
the answer is not to engage in this repetitive battle, to try to force them to be something
that they don't want to be. The answer is either to accept that that relationship is
going to remain the way it is, or to filter them out of your life, and I realized that
can be hard, but once you start filtering those periphery relationships, maybe, those
old friends that don't treat you the way you'd like to be, those old friends that don't push
you in the way that you'd like to be pushed, or that look at new hobbies and new endeavors
with a discouraging eye. When you start to filter those out, you start to make room for
the type of people that are going to lift you up. So, really, not convincing people
and entering into that filtering mindset is so, so important.
The fifth mindset for charisma is that charisma and you need to start communicating your purpose
more proactively. I know that a lot of people spend a lot of their lives engaged in small
talk, right? When people ask you what you do or where you're from, and you wind up with
the same rote answer telling them your job title, this, "That, yeah, it's great, we went
on vacation," blah, blah, blah.
Charismatic people have a purpose that they are fired up by. And while they're not going
to shove it down your throat, when it comes up in conversation, what do they do? They're
willing. They're eager. They will tell you what their purpose is, and realized this,
I remember, I was watching an episode of The Buried Life, which, if you don't know it,
these four guys who had this really long bucket list, and they would go through this bucket
list doing these amazing things--play basketball with Obama, right? And, then, they'd help
other people do items on their bucket list, and one of the ways that they got to, actually,
play basketball with Obama is by walking around the streets of Washington DC and just telling
people, "Hey, we've got this list. On this list is we want to play basketball with Obama.
Can you help us?" And before they know, within days, they were in a Senator's office; they
were making calls to Obama. Long story short, months later, Obama sees the TV show on MTV,
invites them in, and they get that dream, right? It's this incredible thing happens
but only because they repeatedly put it out there.
This isn't a secret. This isn't the universe hearing. This is other human beings hearing,
being inspired by that message, being inspired by that desire, and, then, helping them. So
make sure to put your purpose out there into the world.
The sixth mindset is that you need to start going first. And in the book Charisma on Command,
I exploded this out into six different beliefs. But the truth is it can be boiled down. Go
there first. Be the first person to extend praise in a group of people that are not very
comfortable of doing that. Be the first person in a new group of strangers who cracks a joke.
Be the first one in a new group who is talking, who shares something vulnerable. When you
are the person who is leading the group towards areas where you can connect more, whether
that means being fun, extending praise, being vulnerable, all of those things signify leadership
to other people. They signify bravery because you're doing that thing that other people
are nervous to do, and when you do that, you, naturally, are going to become the type of person
that other people want to be around.
And what you've found, I'm sure, in your own life, is that your being in a group of people
that would be very solemn, one person will crack a joke, and, then, somebody else gets
comfortable, they'll crack a joke. And all of a sudden, the whole group dynamic has shifted.
The same thing happens with vulnerability. Somebody opens up and shares a story about
their life, and the next thing you know, you're going back and you're connecting on a level
that was previously not available. People remember who the first person to do that was and it makes
them so much more endearing because they are the one taking the social risk. Be the person
who takes the risk, who goes there first, and, of course, remember that no matter what
happens here, it will be okay. That is the fundamental belief.
So, hopefully, these 6 to 12, depending on how you count the beliefs, can be very, very
helpful in your own life. As you start to incorporate them, you will find that they
make a tremendous difference. This doesn't mean to throw every thing else to the side.
This means that you can still focus on your eye contact, your body language, all of that
stuff, but you want to be building the mindsets concurrently with those sort of surface-level
things, and if you focus on one of each at a time, that, I find, is the best way to do
it.
So, I hope that you've enjoyed this video. If you have, and you want to learn more about
how to change your inner belief in terms of confidence, we've set up a different video
that covers how to feel more confident inside of 60 seconds, and this is something that
you can do for a presentation, a date, whatever it is. It's a little exercise that is actually
very physical in nature and will help you feel more confident pretty much like that;
a little bit longer than that--10 seconds to 60 seconds.
So, if you're interested in getting that video, go ahead, click the link that will pop up
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So, go ahead, subscribe to the channel. Any comments, any suggestions of videos you'd
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