FOLKS, BEFORE THE BREAK, I WAS TALKING ABOUT THE BIG
DEMOCRATIC DEBATE, BUT IN LIGHTER NEWS, WE'RE ALL GONNA
DIE.
TODAY, TOP HEALTH OFFICIALS ISSUED DIRE WARNINGS ABOUT
THE CORONAVIRUS, OR "COVID 19," AS THE KIDS CALL IT.
"YOU VIDDIN'?" NOW, IN A PHONE CONFERENCE WITH
REPORTERS, ONE C.D.C. OFFICIAL SAID, "WE ARE ASKING THE
AMERICAN PUBLIC TO PREPARE FOR THE EXPECTATION THAT THIS MIGHT
BE BAD."
WHOAH, DIAL DOWN THE TECHNICAL LANGUAGE, MAN.
IT'S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR SAYING, "WE'VE GOT THE RESULTS OF YOUR
TESTS BACK, AND YOU ARE TOTALLY...
FROWNY FACE.
Xs FOR EYES, TOO."
PLUS, WAY TO CALM DOWN THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, DOCTOR.
REMINDS ME OF THE IMMORTAL WORDS OF F.D.R.:
>> THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS...
POLIO!!
IT GOT ME, AND NOW IT'S COMING FOR YOU!!
RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!
I'M CONTAGIOUS!
( LAUGHTER )
CORONAVIRUS HAS MOSTLY BEEN RESTRICTED TO CHINA AND PEOPLE
WHO HAVE TRAVELED TO CHINA.
BUT NOW, THE C.D.C. OFFICIAL BELIEVES THE VIRUS IS HEADED
HERE, TELLING REPORTERS, "IT'S NOT SO MUCH OF A QUESTION OF IF
THIS WILL HAPPEN IN THIS COUNTRY ANY MORE BUT A QUESTION OF WHEN
THIS WILL HAPPEN."
BUT I'M SURE THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
RIGHT, JON?
>> Jon: WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE FINE, STEPHEN.
I THINK WE'RE GONNA BE GOOD.
I THINK WE'RE GONNA BE REAL GOOD.
>> Stephen: YOU LOOK GOOD.
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: THE C.D.C. OFFICIAL EXPLAINED HOW FAMILIES COULD
GET READY FOR THE OUTBREAK, SUGGESTING, "YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR
CHILDREN'S SCHOOLS ABOUT THEIR PLANS FOR SCHOOL DISMISSALS OR
SCHOOL CLOSURES.
ASK ABOUT PLANS FOR TELESCHOOL."
YES, "TELESCHOOL," OR AS WE CALLED IT BACK IN MY DAY, A
GRILLED CHEESE AND "THE PRICE IS RIGHT."
( APPLAUSE )
NOT FEELING GOOD.
I THINK I BETTER TELESCHOOL TODAY, MOM."
FEAR OF THE CORONAVIRUS IS ALREADY RAVAGING WALL STREET.
ON MONDAY, THE DOW TUMBLED MORE THAN 1,000 POINTS, WHICH WAS ITS
THIRD-WORST POINT DROP IN HISTORY, EFFECTIVELY ERASING ALL
GAINS FOR 2020.
THIS IS HORRIBLE ECONOMIC NEWS.
ALSO, CAN I ERASE ALL MY GAINS FROM 2020 IN ONE DAY?
BECAUSE I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF STRESS BAKING.
THEN JUST TODAY, THE DOW CLOSED DOWN BY ALMOST 900 POINTS.
GOOD LORD!
IF IT GOES ANY LOWER, I'LL HAVE TO FIND OUT WHAT "A DOW" IS
( LAUGHTER )
I DON'T KNOW WHAT A DOW IS.
ONE MAN DOESN'T SEEM TOO WORRIED: DONALD TRUMP.
DURING MONDAY'S 1,000-POINT PLUMMET, HE TWEETED, "THE
CORONAVIRUS IS VERY MUCH UNDER CONTROL IN THE U.S.A.
WE ARE IN CONTACT WITH EVERYONE AND ALL RELEVANT COUNTRIES.
C.D.C. AND WORLD HEALTH HAVE BEEN WORKING HARD AND VERY
SMART.
STOCK MARKET STARTING TO LOOK VERY GOOD TO ME!"
( LAUGHTER )
PARAMEDIC.
( AS TRUMP )
ME.
WELL, AT LEAST HIS TORSO.
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU IF WE EVER FIND HIS LIMBS.
ALSO, I'M HEARING SOME AWESOME THINGS ABOUT THIS HARVEY
WEINSTEIN GUY.
GETTING A LOT OF FREE PUBLICITY LATELY.
ANYWAY, ALL ABOARD THE HINDENBURG!
LOOKING NICE AND TOASTY UP THERE, GUYS!"
NOW THERE'S A REASON--
SEE.
THERE'S A REASON TRUMP IS TRYING TO DOWNPLAY THE CORONAVIRUS
FEARS: IF THE C.D.C. IS RIGHT ABOUT THIS OUTBREAK, IT MIGHT BE
HIS FAULT, BECAUSE IN 2018, THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION FIRED THE
GOVERNMENT'S ENTIRE PANDEMIC RESPONSE CHAIN OF COMMAND.
TRUMP DID NOT REPLACE THEM.
SO, CURRENTLY, OUR PANDEMIC RESPONSE TEAM IS IVANKA AND A
BOTTLE OF AIRBORNE.
( LAUGHTER )
SHE LOOKS GOOD WITH THE LAB COAT.
IT'S VERY FLATTERING.
THE OUTBREAK HAS ALREADY AFFECTED PLANS FOR THIS SUMMER'S
OLYMPICS.
"TOKYO OLYMPIC ORGANIZERS HAVE UNTIL LATE MAY TO SEE IF THE
VIRUS IS UNDER CONTROL.
IF NOT," EXPERTS SAY, "YOU'RE PROBABLY LOOKING AT A
CANCELLATION."
>> Audience: OOOH!
>> Stephen: I FEEL SO BAD FOR THOSE OLYMPIANS.
THEY'VE SPENT THEIR WHOLE LIVES PREPARING TO BONE EACH OTHER IN
THE OLYMPIC VILLAGE.
NOW, NOW AT BEST, THEY'LL HAVE TO TELE-BONE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALSO GOES NICE WITH A GRILLED
CHEESE.
ARE YOU HAPPY?
HAPPY LITTLE BOY OVER THERE.
THE SOMBER ANNOUNCEMENT WAS MADE BY I.O.C. OFFICIAL DICK POUND.
( LAUGHTER )
OF THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THE CORONAVIRUS.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK