- If you truly loved me, you would buy me that.
- SHUT UP!
- Behold, the average girlfriend,
a subspecies of Homo sapien that will suck the life right out of you and drain you of everything you have.
For years, they have worked in plain sight, destroying the human male little by little.
But the methods have been a mystery until now.
This is Girlfriends in the Wild.
(theme music)
- Come on, are you almost done?
- Here we see the human male attempting to lure this subspecies of girlfriend known as the Low-Selfesteemus
from her nest.
- Come on! The doctor says my grandma only has a half-hour to live.
- You know I can't go out looking like this. I barely have any makeup on.
- Come on, babe. You look great.
- You are an a--hole.
- Never try to compliment the Low-Selfesteemus.
It will only serve to agitate her further.
- Hey! What are you doing in my--
- The common bedroom.
What should be a place for excitement and fun is quickly turned deadly with
the talkative subspecies of girlfriend known as the Talkalotimus.
- Oh my god. I had the craziest dream. Do you want to hear it?
- Nope.
- Okay, so, like, it was me, Jerry. You were there, but I couldn't see any of your faces. And Jerry started selling marshmallows, which was so totally weird, because you know better...
- As you can see, the douchebag male's only escape from the Talkalotimus is through ritual suicide.
- Hey, what the f--k? (gunshots)
- The human feeding ground is always a bloodbath
when it comes to the average girlfriend species known as the Alwaysonadietus.
- You know you can't have bread. I'm on a diet!
You know I can't have water. I'm on a diet!
You know I can't see silverware. It makes me think of food!
- The most unstable species is the Expectationus Gigantus.
- You forgot today is our three-year and second-moth anniversary.
Why can't you be more like Edward?
Why can't you be more like Katniss?
- The key to dealing with this species is to have simple aversion tactics ready when the threat arises.
- There you are!
I've been looking for you everywhere.
You're late for our anniversary dinner again.
- Oh God, guys. This is the worst species of girlfriend known as the Pissedoffallthetimeus,
or more simply known as...
my girlfriend.
- I can hear you, a--hole.
And I thought I told you I didn't want to be on camera. It makes me look fat.
- Babe, you look great.
- Oh, save it, George. And I'm assuming you forgot about our anniversary.
- Of course not. Um, I was just wanting to surprise you with a surprise trip to, uh... Utah.
I mean, we'll be going to Italy, where we're staying in a beautiful and very expensive mansion.
- Oh, baby, I love you!
- You too.
- Say it.
- I love you too.
- As you can see, my father has completely caved in to all this creature's demands. His species is known as the Giganticpussyasaurus.
- I'm sorry, sweet cheeks. I'll never say no to you again.
- Join us next time when my dad tries to grow a pair of freaking balls.
- Help... please.
- To see alternate scenes and bloopers, click the link in the description below!
Or if you're a lazy ass, click the video right here.
- My mother------- fingers in this mother------- door!
- Thanks for subscribing. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go find my balls.