(audience applause)
- Alright, guys.
So, it is our last episode of the season
and right now we don't know when we're coming back
or if we're ever coming back.
You know, like your dad.
(audience laughs)
I wanted to take a minute tonight
to talk about what drew me to
Not Safe with Nikki Glaser, you know,
besides the with Nikki Glaser part,
it's really cool.
But in the past year I've talked to foot worshippers,
professional cuddlers, escorts, porn stars,
strippers, sugar daddies, young couples,
old couples, dudes on Tinder, pegging enthusiasts,
so many incredible comedians and guess what?
Everybody has sex.
We're all doin' it.
That guy over there isn't,
but the rest of us are.
(audience laughs)
It's crazy to me that we're all here right now
because some dude was just like.
(grunts forcefully)
Like, that's crazy.
And by some dude, I mean your dad.
(audience laughs)
Everyone of your dads.
Some of them even louder than that
and those are the ones who aren't coming back.
But I know.
(audience laughs)
I know that talking about sex is uncomfortable
and it makes people all like,
like, how will I explain this to my children?
And it's like, your children, your kid
came out of your vagina so the least you can do
is explain to them what one is.
And please don't tell them to call it a downstairs
or a front bottom.
(audience laughs)
I don't know, actually, I kinda like front bottom.
We can keep that.
But my parents, honestly, never gave me the sex talk
which is why I talk about sex all the time now.
You made your bed, mom and dad, and now
I'm talking about banging in it.
Because sex was such a taboo subject in my household,
I didn't masterbate until my mid-20s.
So, like, like, yesterday.
(audience laughs)
I'm 32.
So by the time I started masterbating,
I felt like Billy Madison of jacking off.
I felt stupid, left behind, and I could only do it
if I was staring at a picture of Chris Farley
dressed as a bus driver.
(audience laughs)
Don't do that to me, you guys.
Stop it.
Here's the thing.
I think it's important that we all talk about sex
and here's why, because he's talking about sex.
Yeah, this guy.
And not just the adorable stuff he says
about wanting to date his own daughter.
Oh my god, I love engagement photos.
(audience groans)
It's disgusting.
Last week, Trump told young girls everywhere
that if they're sexually harassed at work
they should quit or find a new career.
In other words, someone please sexually harass Donald Trump.
I beg you, please.
(audience cheers)
His VP, Mike Pence, is talking about sex.
He's also talking about what kind of haircut
he might get from the Lego factory next,
but mostly sex.
He said that if elected he and Trump
will appoint Supreme Court justices
who will overturn Roe versus Wade.
You know, just like he overturns baby turtles
in order to feel joy.
(audience laughs)
Mikey likey.
You need to talk about sex because these states
are talking about sex and they're all trying
to pass legislation about it.
Like, North Carolina and their trans-panic bathroom laws.
Or Mississippi with their Religious Freedom Act.
Even Indiana tried making it legal
to discriminate against the LGBT community,
but thankfully, people rebelled until
their shit bag governor caved in and walked it back.
Wait, who is their governor?
I for, oh, right, the turtle murderer.
Guys, we have to talk about sex.
When we're quiet and we treat sex
like it's shameful or weird,
we leave a void that anyone could fill
with their own personal hangups or religious beliefs
and that's where shit hits the fan.
And I don't mean that in like a fetishy sort of way.
No offense, Jim.
(audience laughs)
Talk about sex.
Be honest about it.
Because look, I'm sure last week not everybody
wanted to hear the story about the time
I found a Monistat 7 cap lodged in my vagina
that had been there over a year.
But isn't it better than pretending that we don't
lose Monistat 7 caps in our vaginas?
Right?
If you're like I was and are ashamed of yourself
for what you're into, if you hate that you watch porn
or that you like to lick feet or that you
get turned on when milfs get hit in the face with pies,
you're not alone.
The milf pie guy might be because we broke up,
but he dumped me.
He said I got too old.
Sex is all around us.
In fact, sex is us.
It's how we got to be here.
It shouldn't be something we're ashamed to talk about.
So stop whispering.
Be loud.
Be honest.
Be open.
It should be celebrated when we say like,
I have sex, you know?
(audience cheers)
That's too much celebrating.
I mean, come on.
It's not like I won American Idol.
I'm just a normal person who has sex sometimes, you know.
(short sharp bang)
(screams)
(audience cheers)
Guys, seriously, come on.
It's not New Year's Eve, okay.
("Auld Lang Syne")
Is that Auld Lang Syne?
Oh, Jesus, well maybe we should celebrate it this much.
Guys, don't be quiet about sex.
Be loud about it.
Talk about it.
We'll be right back.
(audience cheers)