OK, here we go. The first subject is...
Unlikely Things to Hear at the Royal Variety Show.
IN SCOTTISH ACCENT: Hello, I'm Frankie Boyle!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Our next act, Mr Memory, couldn't be with us
this evening, he's in the Pizza Express in Woking.
LAUGHTER
They asked me not to do any Prince Andrew jokes tonight
and I said, "Sure, no sweat."
LAUGHTER
And for her next trick, The Queen will make
Prince Andrew's birthday disappear.
LAUGHTER
At this point in the evening I'd just like to ask
the members of the royal family to put their rifles away
as I welcome to the stage the cast of The Lion King!
LAUGHTER
At 93 years old, I think we'll all agree it's just good
to see her out of the house at this time of the year.
Give it up for Madonna!
LAUGHTER
Welcome Ginger, Baby, Sporty, Posh and the other one.
Yes, it's the royal family!
LAUGHTER
Unfortunately Prince Andrew is running late, because
he's stuck in trafficking.
LAUGHTER, GASPS AND APPLAUSE
Well, we're now going to end this evening of royal entertainment
in this magnificent theatre in the traditional way -
a fly through by the Red Arrows!
LAUGHTER
It's now my privilege to introduce the rock band REM.
I've got a photograph of me with them years ago.
That's me in the corner.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This next act needs no introduction.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Yes, she bends, she twists, she contorts herself,
but the Queen cannot get out of her obligation to attend
this shitshow.
LAUGHTER
And your card is what?
The four of clubs?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think you're going to enjoy this, Your Majesty.
Our next act is a dog act.
It uses corgis, because they're exactly the right
shape to fit in the cannon.
LAUGHTER
Welcome to the stage Britain's premier OAP break dancing group,
Hip Op!
LAUGHTER
No, Liz, why don't you shut the fuck up?!
LAUGHTER