- I started sending nudes for the first time this year.
For the first time in my life, thank you so much.
Don't let this turtleneck fool you.
(audience laughs)
Uh, yeah, I yeah, I yeah, I have them.
I'm sending them off, I'm firing them off,
you know what I mean.
Yeah, yeah, I'm good at it too.
Thank you, thank you so much.
Yeah, I for a long time I didn't
because I thought like I was above it.
I'm not.
(audience laughs)
No, I'm not at all.
And my nudes are great,
because I took a photography class in college, right.
So, I'm giving you depth, I'm giving you foreground,
background, I'm color blocking, you understand, this is art.
And here's a little advice for dudes sending nudes.
Pick up your fucking socks.
(audience laughs)
If you can't put in the effort to pick your socks up,
I know that I'm better off with a vibrator, you understand.
Like I can see that, right away.
And like if you're sending like a mirror nude,
I don't know if that's the technical term, I'm new here.
But if you're sending a mirror nude
and your counter is a mess, I don't want to suck your dick,
I want to put the top on the toothpaste,
do you understand, that's.
(audience laughs)
Just a little bit of effort will go a long way.
That's really good advice,
I'm gonna be a really good stepmom some day.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I got a stepmom vibe, right.
Love every other weekend and on the holidays.
Yes, please, you know.
And I'll take you out, I'll take you to the park,
I'll take you to the... park, you know.
I'm taking you out, you know.
And you'll give me a little bit of attitude
because I won't care because I'm fucking your Dad, right.
(audience laughs)
It's pretty much my dating status right now.
It's pretty much a crow in the branches
of an old oak tree,
just like waiting for your parents marriage
to dissolve so I could just like swoop down, and
(bird call)
fuck your Dad.
(audience laughs)
I got the face of a stepmom too, right.
Like I look like somebody you would trust,
but not somebody you'd like.
Yeah, I've seen mirrors.
So it's @MollyOAustin.
You can DM pictures of your hot Dads, no ugo's, okay.
I mean that, right.
And I could be your new stepmom, you know.
@MollyOAustin, send me pictures of your Dad.
We can share a Dad, right.
No, I probably wouldn't make it to stepmom,
I'd probably just be like some weird lady
in your kitchen in the morning once in a while.
That's kind of more my style.
I like being single, I am single,
I like being single, I like going where I want to go,
I like doing what I want to do,
I like seeing who I want to see.
I like having the types of sex, that I like to have.
And there are so many different types of sex,
and there are these apps,
that can make your dreams come true.
Like I'm personally on Bumble,
and I crush it on Bumble, thank you so much.
I didn't crush it at first, but then I figured it out,
I cracked the code.
Well is anybody else here on Bumble.
(audience member woos)
Oh, just one sad lady in the balcony, yeah fucking right.
Suck my tits, its a proximity app you idiots.
I'm gonna get on stage, I'm gonna turn it on,
and I'm gonna see all your dumb faces.
Swiping left.
Yeah, whatever, even if you're in a relationship
you'll probably break up.
(audience laughs)
Statistically. (laughs)
Statistically.
So when you have to get back out there,
I'll tell you how to crush it, right.
It's a very easy process,
it's just step one, hide your personality.
(audience laughs)
Hide your personality, get on the date,
and then you release it, like the Game of Thrones dragons.
And then after that 80% of success, is showing up, you know.
Like you may not end up together forever,
but you can go home for the night, you know.
There's a multi-million dollar film franchise dedicated
to how a boy will fuck a pie, okay.
You're better than a pie, you know.
And then step 2 is to get your friend
whose very critical of your eyebrows,
to arrange your profile pictures.
And that part's a little harder, a little sadder,
but it's worth it.
Like I met this one guy and he was so hot,
like he was so so hot.
Like he's still hot, he's not dead.
And we went out on this great date,
and we went back to his place, and he took off his shirt,
and can everybody see me because he had these muscles,
yeah, I know, I know.
And I was like. (laughs)
And in my mind I was like, Molly be cool,
like act like you've seen it before, but.
(audience laughs)
I hadn't, not in real life, do you know what I mean.
Like movies and pictures of The Rock
on Instagram, of course, but real life, no, you know.
(audience laughs)
And then we had sex, and I had so many orgasms,
the real kind.
Ladies.
Yeah, but by the final orgasm,
I thought I was having a stroke,
because I've been having sex for long enough to know
that it's just real tough stuff on you fellas, isn't it.
It's just real tough stuff to make a lady cum once,
let alone multiple times.
And I remember the final orgasm is gearing up,
but I was like am I dying?
But no, it was just a cool orgasm, right.
(audience laughs)
You know how good it's got to be to contemplate death
and still cum.
(audience laughs)
Like obviously not for men, you cum no matter what, right.
Like your making eye contact with an oil painting
of your mother, it doesn't slow you down a tick.
But the female orgasm is so fragile, right.
It's so fragile, like I remember there was another time
I was having sex, because I get sex.
And I remember I was looking at the wall, and in my mind,
I was like, this is going great, and I was like,
hmm, is that eggshell or off white, and it was gone.
It's like, when you blow a kiss, where's it go,
you know you don't know, but it's not there.
(audience laughs)
And then in the morning, we woke up,
and he made us coffee and then he made his bed,
and then he put on a suit, and he went to work.
I just said he put on a suit, and he went to work.
Your all sitting there acting so cool
like your dating the guy
with the face with these muscles, with the multiple orgasms,
with the suit and the tie, with the job.
No you're not, no you're not.
It was a Miracle on 34th street,
and 34th street was my vagina, you understand.
I was walking home like a backup singer.
I was in the streets like this.
I was like this.
I was giving you points and winks
and making a ton of eye contact, and nobody liked it.
But I didn't care, because it was the best day of my life.
It's only a walk of shame, if he doesn't make you cum.
Yeah, cause that's a shame.
It's 2019, if a man isn't making you cum,
he's not even putting a Google search into, you understand.
Or he can't read.
And even then, he can be like,
hey Siri, how do make a nice lady cum.
And she'll tell you.
(audience laughs)
That jokes fun for me and I'll tell you guys why.
Because the men who laugh, laugh like,
"Ha, ha, yeah what a bunch of idiots."
And then the ones that don't are like, "Am I doing it."
And that's for me as well as you.
So yeah. (laughs)
I don't know, I'm a big believer in like getting
what you can get, while you can get it, right.
I read this article where a bunch of elderly woman
were interviewed and they were all asked
if they can go back in their life,
and do anything over, what would they do?
And a lot of them said, I wish I was more of a hoe.
A lot of them said this.
And if you look at the STD rates in nursing homes,
they're through the roof, so these are just cold hard facts.
So I think my point is just like,
do it while you have your knees.
Like you use your knees so much more
than you think you do, right.
I like I don't even get on top anymore, if I'm not in love.
Saving my knee cartilage for marriage, it's my dowry now.
So you know, let your Dad know about my knees.
(audience laughs)
(dramatic music)