Translator: Ellen Maloney Reviewer: Denise RQ
"You look like a slut."
"You will never amount to anything."
Your Dad's a drunk."
These words rang in my ears as a child
and made me feel so imperfect on the inside,
it triggered a desire in me to appear perfect on the outside.
For many years, I thought being perfect was a great thing.
At the age of 16, I had my hair feathered and flipped,
and my ears pierced.
It was the 70s and everyone wanted to look like Farrah Fawcett.
When my teachers saw this, and they saw my effort,
they told me I looked like a slut.
This triggered a belief in me that to try and look pretty,
and especially if I got attention, must mean that I was a slut.
Another role model told me that I would never amount to anything.
At that point forward, I was determined to succeed at anything, at any cost.
When the talk around town about my father being a drunk was no longer just gossip,
and I thought that everyone everywhere knew that my father was an alcoholic,
which he was,
I began to keep everything in, and zipped up, and perfect,
to try and control the chaos around me.
When these three events collided,
it triggered my desire to be a perfectionist.
The collateral damage was the loss of joy.
Hello. I am Petra Kolber, and I am a recovering perfectionist.
Some see perfection as a driver to their success,
and in turn, their happiness.
For a few, this might be true.
For most of us, perfectionism is actually the roadblock
between the life we are living, and creating a life of our dreams.
The paradox of perfectionism is that unlike living a virtuous life,
we strive to be the best that we can be.
We view mistakes as mini milestones along the road to our success.
Perfectionists strive to be flawless;
they see their mistakes as a character flaw.
It is not even that they made a mistake, it is that they are the mistake.
Even the perfect moments have no joy,
because they are never quite perfect enough.
To paraphrase my favorite author Anne Lamott,
"Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor
and will keep you cramped and insane your entire life."
And while not a disease of the body, perfectionism is a cancer of the spirit.
And when left un-managed, it may manifest itself physically.
Anxiety, depression, eating disorders,
panic, suicidal thoughts.
Perfectionism comes in many colours,
but it speaks the language of black or white, all or nothing,
good or bad, worthy or worthless.
It is fed by shame, the feelings of shame that come from not feeling pretty enough,
good enough, smart enough, at work enough, rich enough,
at home enough, perfect enough.
Enough.
In 1994, the New York Times listed me as, "A Rising Star of Fitness.
I have been on many DVD's, OK, VHS tapes,
and I have starred alongside "Body By Jake" on television shows.
I have worked with George Foreman,
Nancy Kerrigan and the incredible Olympian, Dara Torres.
I have traveled around the world, speaking to thousands of people,
and talked to packed classes in New York City.
I have won pretty much every fitness accolade that there is to win,
and I have even been on the back of a Special-K cereal box.
I share this with you not to brag
but to let you know that even with all of that,
this was never enough.
Like any disease, perfectionism has many symptoms.
If you are like me, you might not realise you have this until it is too late.
Until you look back and notice all those moments, missing joy.
You look at your photographs and realise just how many you are not in
because you didn't feel quite perfect enough to be in front of the camera.
You look at all those relationships, damaged or destroyed,
because you were too busy being perfect, to be present.
Like many 'Type A' perfectionist, I had many symptoms.
I had two eating disorders, not one.
I had anorexia and bulimia.
Then in my thirties, my symptoms shifted to anxiety,
that then grew into full-blown panic attacks.
Like any perfectionist, I tried to manage my symptoms perfectly.
I could hide the tightening of my stomach, the racing of my heart,
the desperate need to get out of a room if I felt a panic attack coming on.
I could not hide my last symptom.
My last symptom was a zero-to-sixty.
I mean, not just a lip, not just a brow,
full body, head to heel, zero to sixty, sweat.
In less than 60 seconds, this little body looked like had run a marathon.
It was embarrassing, uncomfortable,
and just another public display of how imperfect I was.
After every panic attack, I felt lost, confused,
lonely and even more imperfect.
As my panic attacks became more frequent, my calendar emptied out.
For two full years, I turned down high-profile work.
The Today Show, The View, The CBS early news show,
for fear that I wasn't going to be perfect.
The only thing I knew during that time that I could do perfectly
was have a panic attack.
I just never knew when it was going to happen, or where.
You see I thought the very thing people expected from a fitness person
was perfectionism.
I thought they expected that of me.
But the very thing I thought they wanted
was the thing that kept me at an arms length.
Because who can relate to perfection?
The pastor Steve Furtick tells us
that the reason we are struggling so badly with our insecurities
is because we are so busy comparing
our back story to everybody else's highlight reel.
What would happen if we evolved our thinking?
And we stopped trying to be perfectionists,
and as my teacher and thought-leader Tal Ben-Shahar says,
become 'optimialists' instead.
My idea of an optimalist
is someone who learns to live in the Grey area of life.
They learn from their mistakes,
and they leave room to grow into a life of their dreams.
I also believe that if we stop trying to be perfect,
so many of us would get off the side-lines of life and jump in and start living it
with both feet and with an open heart.
I also believe that if we stop thinking about perfection,
we can stop some of this hatred;
this negative talk about others, and about ourselves.
We get to silence that inner critic, that inner judge,
and we begin to start living our imperfect lives out loud.
Perfectionists look to see how far they have got to go.
Optimalists look to see how far they have come.
Perfectionists say, "No, but..."
Optimalists go, "Yes, and..."
Perfectionists look for what is not working.
Optimalists look for what is.
Perfectionists are terrified of making a mistake,
and are so threatened by the success of others.
Whilst optimalists view mistakes as proof that they are trying,
and are inspired and encouraged by others in this world doing great things.
I know we cannot connect through this facade called perfection.
I know now, more than ever, we are craving connection.
but it is in the imperfect moments that our hearts speak to each other,
and the important lessons are learned.
The loss of a loved one, a betrayal,
the ending of what you thought was your forever relationship,
an illness, the loss of a job.
Such imperfect moments in life.
These are the moments that we get to reach up and ask for help.
We get to dig in and see the depth of our resilience,
and we get to strengthen our courage muscle.
We also get to stretch the belief and knowledge
of just how much we are capable of.
More importantly, we inspire and encourage others to do the same.
Perfection would never have allowed me to apply to TEDx
because the risk of not being accepted
would be too big a price to bear.
It would not have allowed me the courage to step on this stage and share my story.
What I know is that my imperfect voice,
and my imperfect story
is more powerful than the perfect silence.
Was this talk perfect? Probably not.
I guarantee I am going to look back
and wish I had put something in or left something out,
and I am sure that I made a mistake or two along the way.
But what I do know is that when we face our fear, that is when we become fearless.
As Elizabeth Gilbert reminds us,
"Perfectionism is just fear in really good shoes."
Thank you.
(Applause)