If your Myers-Briggs personality type is INFJ, and you're still single, this video
is for you. I'm gonna go into some detail about why you might still be single
based on your personality type. Before we get into the video let me tell you about
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Alright, reason number one why an INFJ is still single: you're too attached to your
dream person. The reason that we get so attached to this kind of stuff, our dream
person, is that we are very intuitive, the INFJs, and so we paint this picture in
our head of what the perfect partner is going to be, and we just get
hooked on that. The problem being that because our intuition is so over
developed that when it comes to the actual sensory real world, we kind of
poo-poo it. So when you start getting into the real world--you know, that place where
we all live--and meeting people, there's no way that they're going to match up
with the person in your head. And the thing is, you know this
intellectually, you're gonna say, "Frank, I'm not stupid, I know that no
one's gonna match up to it." But you are overly attached to this image in your
head, and you don't even realize it. Number two: dating is a pain in the butt
for INFJs. I mean, it's a pain in the butt in general, but especially for INFJs,
because it's all this sensory information to sift through. Do you know
what our inferior function is as an INFJ? It's extroverted sensing. So that means
we don't really like it when a bunch of sensory info is being thrown our way. We
don't want to have to deal with it. And that's all dating is, is sorting
through a bunch of new information getting out there in the real world,
meeting up with people. It's exhausting. It's just exhausting to have to go
through our inferior function and be like, "Okay, let me get
some details, some facts here... Let me see what this person's like... crap." Number
three: you think too much, and you try to over plan something when it comes to
dating in order to feel safe. Now I don't just mean like a normal kind of safe where
it's like, "I don't want to get kidnapped by someone," but I mean intuition is about
planning. It's about projecting into the future
and kind of formulating, "What do I think is gonna happen?" And so INFJs love to
just over plan stuff and not actually do anything, and so you begin to just
overthink everything. You're projecting into the future about how is it
gonna happen, how is this next date gonna happen, and it gets to the point where it
can paralyze you. You're trying to set up a date with someone and you're thinking
about all the logistics, and it feels insurmountable because you feel like you
have to plan for everything that's going to happen. We don't like going into
something and just freewheeling it, just flying by the seat of our pants. We
prefer to go into any situation with a plan, and that can hold us back. Before we
continue with the next point, let's take a quick commercial break to support this
channel. Number four: you're too aware of other people's needs. And this is
because of extroverted feeling that we have, where it's just--we're looking
outward at what everyone else is feeling state is. And that's not just emotion,
let me clarify that. That's also like, what do people like, and how are
they valuing things. So when you are dating, it can be hard sometimes to put
what you like how you value things above what other people are feeling. Now the
reason that keeps us single is because a lot of times we get into relationships
that are kind of one-sided, and it's all us, you know, trying to make sure that this
other person is getting their needs met. And if you're not careful, you can forget
about yourself. And so when those kind of relationships end you're like, "Never
again... nevah forget." And so that keeps you single because you're just like, I don't
want to do that. And you don't realize that it's you kind
of sabotaging yourself by not focusing enough on yourself and your own needs.
Alright number five, it's related to the last one: you're looking for someone to
give you an identity. Big mistake. This is because we have the very strong
extraverted feeling and kind of weaker introverted thinking. Introverted
thinking is looking inward. And because of that it can get to a point where it's
like our identity is a little bit more malleable. You've heard before that INFJs
are like chameleons, they kind of fit in wherever, and it's problematic when we
are subtly in a relationship or in a dating scenario hoping that the other
person can sort of like define us in a way. Like by contrast, when I'm setup with
this other person, okay finally my identity will be figured out. No. You got
to figure out your identity on your own. And it's a problem in dating because we
get frustrated when we're we're trying to give the responsibility for finding
our identity to someone else. Which--it's not a good dynamic, because then what
happens is the other person gets a little bit like confused, like, "Wait a
second, I thought you--I thought you had this figured out. This is your
responsibility to have your identity figured out. I'm
not going to give it to you." And so that, that's a stumbling block that many INFJs
are gonna go through. Not all of them--but a lot of them--are gonna have
this issue of just trying to find out who they are, not realizing that they're
doing it, and using relationships as a way of figuring it out. You have to
figure it out on your own first. Number six. This one's going to be
controversial. INFJs can, in a relationship, become
a shell of themself, after the relationship has gone on for a while. Not
good, folks. Not good. So to be honest with you, I can't exactly say why this happens.
I can't exactly tie it to cognitive functions. I have just--through my research
through the reliable internet as well as looking at my own life, it just
seems like there can be times where an INFJ will be... they'll be warm and
loving and really eager to make a relationship work at first, and then at
some point just like just totally retreat and just be like this cold shell
of themselves. It don't work so well. People hate... Did you know this? People
don't like it when you become a shell of yourself. And you might find that in past
relationships you've done this, and this is why they can kind of burn out after a
while. Why does it happen? Are you avoiding a conflict in the relationship
that you don't want to bring up so you just think it's better to just go cold?
Or maybe you know it's not gonna work? That's the other thing is you look too
far in the future and you think things aren't gonna work out. I don't even know
that that's on my list, but that's like a sub point here: you look too far in the
future and decide things aren't gonna work out before you even know what
you're talking about, brotha. Stop thinking. Number seven is:
you get in too deep too fast, oh my gosh. It's something I've definitely noticed.
It's a thing I think because, once again, a lot of these things you're gonna find
is because of introverted intuition, extroverted feeling. I feel like a broken
record saying it over and over again. You know what I'm talking about.
But extroverted feeling is so comfortable with the social game, and it
realizes it's just a game, that when you get into any kind of interaction,
especially dating--not "especially" but "including" dating--it's fun to just
play the game. And it can be fun to sort of get to the heart of things.
Introverted intuition will want to get to the heart of things very quickly, and
sometimes it's difficult to stop yourself, and be like, "Maybe I should stop
overdoing these top two functions." Which, you know, if you just let Ni-Fe go
into overdrive you... Here's something that might be weird to say, controversial. As
an INFJ you you know how people work and you know what it takes
to get someone else to like you, and you know what it takes to get deep into a
relationship. And if you want that, you will kind of use your superpowers there
to unintentionally manipulate this relationship to accelerate way faster
than is normal. I'm not saying that we're doing it to be manipulative but when you
just understand other people's inner workings very well, it's difficult to not
want to use it--you just use it because that's what you do, you don't even think
about it. You're just like, "Okay, this is how people work, this is how I can get 'in'
with this person." Of course the problem with getting too deep too soon, you know,
just getting too attached to another person too soon, is it's like, okay, you've
played the game, but now are you actually compatible with somebody? And you'll just
have relationships that seem great and then fall apart very quickly because
they were--they were going good for a short amount of time--they burned
intensely like a firework that then disappeared into the night. You know what
I'm saying? Number eight is very related to that
which is: we can read people very well and that scares you. Why? Because people
are people, no one is perfect, and when you can read someone and kind of see
what they're insecure about, or see maybe where they're trying to overcompensate
for something, or you see their flaws quickly,
it turns you off because you just... you just see it. It's there. And it puts you
in a position where, oh crap, no one's good enough. It goes back to the first
thing of: we have this person in our head, no one's ever gonna match up to it.
You'll see the pattern here is that you're overworking those top two
functions, the intuition, the feeling, and the problem gets to be you get into a
date and you feel like you've read the person in five seconds. And you know what,
maybe you're right. But the other thing is, maybe there's more to know that will
only come over time. Maybe, yeah, you read a few
things correctly about a person, but there's just so much more that needs
time to come out. Give people a chance. You know, instead of "give peace a chance,"
"give people a chance." On the flip side of that, if someone seems really nice, they
seem good, they seem great, they seem well, the issue is because we have inferior
extroverted sensing, and we kind of don't like to use it, and we sort of
instinctually know that half of our perception is limited--because that's
what intuition and sensing are, they're the perceiving functions. And when one is
way down there, the fourth function, we can freak
ourselves out and be like, "I'm missing something here...
This person seems great, but they can't be... There's--I'm just missing something, I
know it, there's some detail that is obvious to everyone else that I just
don't see. What is wrong with this person? They must be a freakazoid, I just can't
tell. And let me just break up with them, they seem too good." That's like--that's
like a Seinfeld episode. Oh my gosh, Jerry Seinfeld, INFJ, he's having all these
problems. But you got to realize that when you think, "Oh this person is too
good, there must be a red flag I'm not seeing." What you're gonna do--I've done it,
it's embarrassing, and it makes you feel like a freakazoid, is--I think I've used the
word "freakazoid" twice in one minute--you're gonna start digging to find stuff.
You're going to convince yourself that there's something that you just--that's
just under the surface, that if you just keep digging you're gonna find
it and... You are a crazy person for doing that. Don't do it. When you're
looking for something, convinced that you're gonna find something, you're gonna
find something even if it's not what you think it is. If you want to, you're gonna--
you're gonna figure out a red flag whether it's there or not in the other
person. You're gonna blow it out of proportion because you have this
imbalance and you instinctually know that you have it. So I would just say calm down,
simmer down, just say, "Hey, I'm okay, I can get the details, it's not a big deal,
let's just take it in slow and steady. Number ten: you are weird, and that's okay.
When you're any kind of NF type--there's only four of them, baby.
When you're an NF type, you're just kind of weird, and it's--and the thing is, don't
take that too hard. Don't be like "I'm a-- I'm a loser, no one's gonna like me." So
don't think--don't think of dating like, "I'm going around to a bunch of people
who could be great matches, and they rejected me because I'm a weirdo." That's
a bad way to look at it. I'm gonna tell you an analogy that I'm stealing from
Barron Cruz, his channel is called The Charisma Matrix, I'll link it down below.
He talks about... look at it like everyone has a card a playing card--
you know like Jack of Diamonds, you know what I'm saying? Or Three of Clubs. And
you're just going around to see if the other people have matching cards. Maybe
they do, maybe they don't. It's not so much that, "Oh you're a you're
a loser so I'm gonna reject you." It's just like, "No, we don't have the same card,
we're not a match." Once you look at dating or even just like friendships or
any kind of interpersonal relationship like that, you start to realize there's
no big deal here, we're just looking for a match. It's not that
any of us are deficient, some people just don't get along well. And when you are
kind of weird, when you're an NF type, especially an INFJ, it just might take a
little bit more digging to find someone with the same card as you, to find
someone who is a match. It might feel like there's not an abundance of people
out there, not an abundance of options, but that's looking at it all wrong.
Because you don't want an abundance, you just want one. And there are people out
there who have that matching number to you, and it's just a matter of finding
them. The abundance is like an illusion, don't worry about that. Thanks
so much for watching. If you want to check out another INFJ video or two
click or tap the screen right here. Make sure you smash like, share this video
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next time stay cool and attractive.